My fiancee and I went to visit a friend of hers in Texas last weekend. As we were packing, it never even occurred to me to pack any male clothes... just girl stuff, and I started out in makeup and comfy travel clothes wearing my favorite wig.
There were many revelations on this trip. The first was that, now that I'm letting my girl flag fly, packing is a *LOT* more involved than it used to be. Between cosmetics, moisturizers, night clothes, day clothes, (no hair-care for me, at least), and various other sundries (magnifying makeup mirror, makeup remover, etc), my packing volume is three times what it used to be. Fortunately I share a lot of those things with my fiancee, so it wasn't all *just* for me.
So, there we went. I'm far from stealth, still. Four weeks + from even *starting* HRT... but I've been out on the town presenting properly for long enough that there is a certain degree of confidence and I'm a lot less awkward than I used to be. I no longer nod at all the men I see, I tend to smile and wink more often now. Behaviorally I am much less constrained, shedding more and more of my male shell. So, I reasoned, while I may not register with everyone as all-female, I could probably get by.
It wasn't until about forty minutes into the trip that I realized that I may very well *have* to get by extremely well. We were driving deep into rural Texas, a state not known for its tolerance, understanding, and open-armed embrace of the trans* community. Still, I had enough confidence in my womanhood to go for it... with the backup plan of enough martial arts training to get my fiancee and I out of most less-than civilized exchanges safely.
The drive was uneventful... a wonderful thing. I was, well, a woman. Nothing special. OK, I was an exceptionally tall woman (6'4") with an athletic frame and a deep (but not chest-resonant, I hope) voice, but otherwise unremarkable. I got familiar with various gas stations' women's rooms. I had men stop to give us right of way in crowded stores. I got *blush* checked out a number of times, and even managed to flirt back a few times.
When we arrived at the hotel we were to stay at I was getting tired and my makeup had seen better days (note to self: remember after a day of driving to do maintenance on makeup and conjure up extra feminine energy before entering public places) and the desk clerk called me "man" rather than "ma'am". I wasn't crushed; it goes with the territory. I was out with my girlfriend on a road trip! Besides, I had to use my (male) ID and credit card to check in, so it wasn't like any illusion would last too long.
We met my fiancee's friend that night, who is FTM and a perfect gentleman. The next day he showed us some of the sights in town. Riding in the back of his car that morning (my fiancee in the front seat) with the window slightly down, the wind blew into my "hair" (it's synthetic, but it felt great!) as the sun shone on my face and a feeling of bliss hit me. Here I was, hundreds of miles away from home, not a stitch of male clothing, feeling pretty and glorious and, well, blissful. It was the first moment of internal, personal joy I had felt in many, many years. I had shared joy with my fiancee, of course, and had other joyful moments with my kids, but this moment was for *me* and me alone. It was like the Universe held me in the center of her hand and said, "Here, in this moment, you are truly yourself. You are on the right path. One day soon, you will be able to be yourself all the time, without fear, basking in the warmth that is Life."
Before I knew it I was singing along to the radio, moving my body to the music in ways I never had (or could) before, thrilling to being me, inside a body of flesh and blood. I was infinitely happy that I was *alive*.
The rest of the day went well, but unremarkably so. A good meal with great company for lunch (the food was pretty bad, but the company made up for it). We checked into a less expensive hotel and I called in to let my boss know I wouldn't be in to work on Monday (hung up in Texas) after my fiancee had a (mild) seizure. We could have gone home, but I was not ready yet, and the rest did her some good.
The people down in rural Texas were kind courteous and, amazingly to me, never batted an eye when I presented my credit card and driver's license. Well, one did, looking startled and comparing my photo ID to my face a few times (a quadruple take) before smiling and apologizing and saying "thank you for your patience, ma'am" (which felt *great*). Dallas was another story... perhaps the people there, being more urban, are more accustomed to trans* people and are more eager to show their disapproval.
All the way back my fiancee and I talked about our relationship, transitition, and other things. Overall, our relationship has grown stronger as I become more settled into the woman I am. I worry, sometimes, that transition could be all-consuming for me; it is important to me that I listen to her and do my best to be attentive to her needs as she is to mine. So far, it seems, we're maintaining a good balance.
When we got back inside the Oklahoma border we stopped for a potty break and to refresh our drink supplies. There I made an interesting discovery for both of us... some enterprising individual had put a condom machine in the women's room, stocking it with something purported to be "horny goat weed" along with "12 assorted novelties" and some other silly product. We had some giggles, took a picture to send to friends, and made our way back out to get drinks. As we checked out with our sodas, one of the gentleman behind the counter kind of smirked and said "Hey, beautiful mama-lou" to me... I wasn't sure how to respond. It didn't seem to be vicious, but at the same time it seemed that he had "made" me... I just smiled and nodded and took my change, whereupon we skedaddled to the car and resumed our journey.
"What does mama-lou mean?" I asked my fiancee.
"I'm not sure. I think he liked you." she replied.
"Let's go with that." I declared.
And that, it seems, is the lesson learned that weekend. I'll be found out, that's a given. I'm not there yet... but I'm learning who I am and how to be myself as fast as I can, and moving as quickly as possible. Rather than be paranoid, I'm simply learning to assume that, since I am a woman, I am seen as a woman... sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a negative way... but I am presenting female and I am female and who cares what anyone else thinks.
Let's go with that.
