Believing in Yourself

[the bore worms]

Hello.  I'm kind of new to this board but have lurked for some time and was seeking a little advice.

I've been on HRT for about 6 months now and I'd say the results have been decent.  Mentally, I still struggle with depression although it has improved and my constant transgender dysphoria/agitation has largely lifted.  Physically, there's still considerable work to be done but I can't say I expected much more at this point.  Side note - I'm 42 so it's going to be a long(er) process.

The problem I'm having is that I have trouble seeing myself as female.  It's essentially the same problem that I encountered in my limited experience with cross-dressing - I have no interest in being a male dressed as a woman.  Yet that is what it inevitably feels like, even when I can see objectively that I'm actually somewhat passable.  This leads to a pattern of not wanting to even bother with "girl mode," which makes it even less natural-feeling when I do - it's a self-reinforcing cycle.

I read about people who seemed so incredibly eager to transition publicly and wonder what's wrong with me.  I don't really question being trans anymore but I still wonder if I'm somehow different.  I've considered halting HRT but I don't know how well I could live with the spectre of this hanging over me.  I feel like it would only be a matter of time before I felt the pressure to transition more acutely again, so better to do it now before even more time goes by.

So...curious as to opinions/criticism on this.  At what point did those of you who are further along begin to feel "authentically" female?  Or is it just something that I need to accept?

Thanks.

[Katie]

Thinking that ones purpose for transitioning is to be the person they know they are. Adding to this though is that more often than not the rest of the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place as time goes by.

[evecrook]

Just being on estrogen does it for me. Of coarse I've been seeing myself since grade school

[sam79]

Oh don't stress! You're no different!

I was much the same. Once I started to put concerted effort into transitioning, I stopped going "girl-mode" at all... It was not authentic as you say, on account of the male body. So I totally get it.

During that time before hormones had done much, I tried to dress andro ( all womens clothing ). That was about the closest I could be to being authentic given circumstances. And I really didn't like it at all... I hated "boy mode" for obvious reasons, "girl mode" was fake appearance wise. Andro mode was the lesser of the evils I guess.

However effects from HRT really picked up for me a little while ago, and it was enough to start the switch. Over about two months, I did a gradual change from andro to overtly female. Up until hormones did enough, I would probably have stayed andro, or on the feminine side of it without anything overt. Luckily, my face had changed enough when my boobs grew to the point of no question.

So now, I'm feeling pretty authentically female. There's plenty more to be done physically ( hair, SRS etc ), but I'm far enough along to feel like I'm in a better body which is fairly feminine. Mostly that's due to changes in my face, skin, having nice hair and real boobs ( although small ).

Best advice I can give is to be patient... And perhaps a more subtle feminine andro appearance will work for you in this difficult time.

Hugs!

[Adam (birkin)]

I feel you on this! The feeling gradually becomes less and less as I integrate more as male. Before, it was always there, now, it's only there when I really think about stuff that makes me dysphoric. The sense of normalness, blending in, and feeling like less of an imposter passes with time.

[Ms Grace]

Asking a cis woman what it feels like to be a woman might elicit a look that suggests you've lost your marbles. The way I think about it is that cis people (probably) don't wake up in the morning saying "yes, I am a woman/man and I'm going to affirm my femininity/masculinity today" since it's just a natural part of who they are and how they relate and live. I guess what I'm trying to say is that HRT most probably will not having you thinking every minute of everyday "I feel like a woman now" and that's not a bad thing, I look forward to when thoughts about my gender identity have pretty much vanished into the background of who I am. Don't know if that makes any sense or not.

[the bore worms]

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

[Carrie Liz]

Hope it's not too late for me to chime in, but I just want to say that I felt the EXACT same way at around the 6-month mark.

It gets better. Just give it time. With enough social experience, especially if you can find some accepting friends, and with enough changes on HRT, I guarantee that you won't feel that way much longer. Once you start passing, once you start hearing female pronouns, once you start looking in the mirror and seeing a woman looking back at you, it all works out. That self-critical voice gives way, and you start actually feeling female instead of just like a guy dressed up as one.

Now, after having gone through a lot of reassuring social experiences myself, even though I'm having to go back to "guy mode" for the time being due to work circumstances, I don't feel like a guy anymore. Now it's the opposite of what it used to be. Instead of feeling like a man dressed in women's clothes, now I feel like a woman dressed up as a guy.

It's all about self-acceptance. And this self-acceptance is helped along greatly by reassuring social experiences.