Waiting Is The Hardest Part

[Simon]

I realize there are ups and downs to transition and basically everything in life. I kinda feel selfish in a way by posting this but then again I think at times we all need to vent a little. Why do I feel selfish (maybe ungrateful is a better word)? Because today is my one year on T day. While I should be celebrating the milestones I have reached (name change, hysto, on T) I can't help but be angry at myself for not accomplishing more. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the jealous type. Anytime I see that another guy has reached an important milestone I think "Good for him, wtg man". I have never felt competitive with anyone else who is transitioning so I guess that is why I lack any envy.

Well, long story short...2013 was a crapfest of a year for me. Biggest issue was my gf of almost a decade leaving me. After a few months we did work out our differences, reunited, and got married. That is the number one cause of my transition being halted for awhile. I was supposed to be having top surgery in a few months but after all that happened I ended up not having the needed funds. Now it looks like it'll be between this time next year and Spring 2015 until I can get it done. After dropping my College courses when we split I have re-enrolled and start in Jan. We only have one car at the moment so around March I have to drop a few grand to get myself either a car or truck. That's more money...It just feels like I constantly take one step forward and two steps back.

Does anyone else here feel like while transition is completely plausible that the world just seems dead set against you doing what you need to do in order to get it done? I've never been an impatient person but it's starting to wear me down. This Spring I'm starting a new job once I get my own transportation and my wife says she wants to get an extra part time job to help me out. I know my surgeries are coming (first top then bottom) but it seems like a lifetime away. Again, I am grateful for as far as I am so far. I don't want to seem like a whiner if I come off that way. I am motivated and working towards my goals...just sick of let downs.

Anyone else have similar feelings? 

[CursedFireDean]

As someone who has been relying on a parent to pay for my therapy (and who hasn't scheduled appointments in a while) I totally understand this. I know I'll be on T within a year unless a medical issue arises because I can do informed consent this summer if need be, but right now I feel like I'm not getting anywhere at all. And even if I can get a letter for T soon, I won't be able to actually start until at least May, which is feeling like an eternity away.

[Simon]

I know I'll be on T within a year unless a medical issue arises

Just wanted to tell you to not stress about a possible medical issue. I really think doctors (who are trans friendly) are starting to see HRT as a important therapy and medication to our overall well being. Even when I was dealing with cancer, had a pulmonary embolism, and now dealing with blood sugar issues due to pancreatic cysts not one doctor ever told me I wouldn't be able to start T. Someone would have to be pretty tore up or have a reaction to the hormone somehow for a professional to completely rule it out.

[Proton]

Yeah, I get that, at least to some degree.

I've been trying to get on T for a while now. I was supposed to get my first prescription yesterday, but because of some problems in my ultrasounds, I'll have to get a few more exams before my endo feels 100% safe giving me hormones. It's just three months, but I'm still pretty upset.

[mm]

Proton, why the ultrasound I hope nothing serious. I hope you can start t shortly.

[CursedFireDean]

Just wanted to tell you to not stress about a possible medical issue. I really think doctors (who are trans friendly) are starting to see HRT as a important therapy and medication to our overall well being. Even when I was dealing with cancer, had a pulmonary embolism, and now dealing with blood sugar issues due to pancreatic cysts not one doctor ever told me I wouldn't be able to start T. Someone would have to be pretty tore up or have a reaction to the hormone somehow for a professional to completely rule it out.

That's really good to know, I've heard confusing info about whether medical conditions will mess with transition.

[assorted_human]

I became depressed when a (in real life) friend of mine came out, passed for two months and got T. I myself at that point had been out and passing for 5 and a half years and trying to find my way to a therapist with no luck. I was pissed and as close as him and I were I seriously didn't hang out or talk to him (we work together though different departments) for 4 or 6 months and had nightmares that kept me awake for most of the first month. I was mortified that he so easily and seemingly with no effort got what I was trying so hard to get. He was going to a particular college were he saw his therapist and such so I tried to get in and all the college did for 6 months was give me the wrong information...JUST TO ENROLL. Then FAFSA wouldn't go through. Leading me to take a break from the hassle of it all and just get on. Finally when I talked to him again I told him all of my thoughts and feelings on the situation. And him 4 or 6 months on T (by this point) let me know that even though I'm jealous of his milestone he was still jealous of me. Due to how well I pass and how I never really tried not to be me and let me know he needed me to help him through his tough times (he's from a very Catholic family). I felt so bad for being so selfish.
And still at this point (7 years of being male) I have nothing to show for myself. In my thoughts in the past I should have facial hair and had surgery by now. At least my name will change soon.

[Adam (birkin)]

Just wanted to say I feel you. I had to wait about 3 years or so for hormones after getting my T letter. As for surgery... My province's insurance was meant to cover it, but the way the system is I got lost and basically now have to pay for private. I do have those thoughts of "goddamnit, most people my age are ahead of me; they're not doing degrees, so they've had jobs for a while, they're getting married, they're not paying for surgeries, they are saving for cars and homes and getting on with life." And I see people who are like 20 having top surgery and I feel like, why couldn't I have came out earlier and gotten on with the process earlier?

[Simon]

And still at this point (7 years of being male) I have nothing to show for myself. In my thoughts in the past I should have facial hair and had surgery by now. At least my name will change soon.

Just wanted to say I feel you. I had to wait about 3 years or so for hormones after getting my T letter.

I do have those thoughts of "goddamnit, most people my age are ahead of me; they're not doing degrees, so they've had jobs for a while, they're getting married, they're not paying for surgeries, they are saving for cars and homes and getting on with life." And I see people who are like 20 having top surgery and I feel like, why couldn't I have came out earlier and gotten on with the process earlier?

Guys, know that you're not alone in the struggle. I had my name changed about 12 years ago now. The only reason I was able to do that when I was 20 was because I was living in Colorado and at the time it was $70 to get it done. After that there has been one set back after another. I just had a hysto last year (only because I got it covered as medically necessary) and am now a year on T. I've been binding for 14 years, lol. To even type that is nuts, it's absurd.

In my life there has been one set back after another. Come hell or high water I will be getting my top surgery around this time next year. For me it's not so I can take my shirt off at the pool or take shirtless photos to post online. It's just to be comfortable. I'm a bit worried about going to College and working in the evenings soon. I'm trying to work it so I can come home and change binders after class/before work. With my kidney issues it's hard to wear the damn thing for 12 hours or more a day.

Yeah, the lucky ones are the ones who live at home with understanding parents who either pay for their surgery or let them save up while paying no bills. I tell young guys who are certain that they want to transition to be smart and stay home as long as you can. This all gets exponentially harder when you're on your own.

Oh, and Caleb I received my T letter in 2009, I got on T in 2012. I never even used the letter in the end, lol. I had to wait per my doctor's orders due to issues I had prior to my hysto. At first I was only approved to have one ovary removed that had a tumor in it. Then after I developed endometriosis a few years later and another tumor they approved removal of everything. Why didn't they just take everything out in the first place? Because I was trans and they didn't want to facilitate in that.

[Lauren5]

I may be from MTFville, but I can say I'm experiencing the same thing. I see many other MTFs and FTMs going by that started therapy around about the same time as me, or even after, and are already on HRT, while I just kinda sit here and am like "nice job, way to go guys/girls."
I get the whole one step back, two steps forward. I go and get myself some nice clothes, but there goes some money, and my therapy staff says "good job, little steps!" but that's about it, I don't have very many big steps in transition so far, and those I've somehow managed to screw up. Another one forward, two back moment.

I'm sorry I'm ranting about myself, this is about you. I wish there was some way I could help out. I feel so useless when I see those in need, but have no way to help them from behind an LED panel.

[geek]

And I see people who are like 20 having top surgery and I feel like, why couldn't I have came out earlier and gotten on with the process earlier?

This, a thousand times this. ;_;