I've managed to have a number of rewarding long-term relationships with women over the years, successfully living a parallel trans life without being discovered (I should be a spy). I imagine that ignorance and naivety on my part (and of course my partner's) played a big part in my ability to live this double-life, as at the time my knowledge of ->-bleeped-<- was very limited (which raises other, unrelated questions about knowledge and self-identification). In fact, even when ->-bleeped-<- was waved in my face, I didn't relate it to my own life at all (some kind of psychological protective barrier?). However, when I did attain greater self-awareness (relatively recently), I thought it would be a great idea to tell my partner of more than 10-years. After my disclosure, my ex had a mini breakdown, an identity crisis and subsequently abandoned the relationship.
This series of tragic events made me wonder how I was going to negotiate future relationships. Should I risk being honest about who I am and how could I possibly know when it's safe to do so? Do I have to seek out partners from that very small pool of females who would be interested in dating a trans person? A pool, apparently, that primarily consists of women with "a low sex drive or... equally sexually attracted to men and women" (Barrett, James, 2007). I couldn't handle a sex-starved relationship (though I can imagine how that might work under certain conditions). And while bisexuality appears to be a key factor, I don't imagine that it increases trans relationship acceptance by that much.
So, given all that (and assuming that you're not already "out" to the world) how do you negotiate your trans nature with regard to dating and new relationships? Do you tell your new/prospective partner everything? Do you hide it from them and live a parallel life (as I did)? Or do you have a more nuanced way of managing this aspect of your life?
