A difficult place...

[Michelle_Innes]

Hi there,

I'm Michelle, 30, now living in Birmingham, and worried.   I've been dealing with 'spikes' of anxiety every few years since I was 16, strong and serious bouts of dysphoria.   Now I am coming to the conclusion that, happiness or hardship aside, I can't go on as I am.  I don't want to be in my 40s and regretting not have made this decision sooner.

My body feels wrong, very wrong.  I have always felt, physically in the wrong body.  Socially, I don't really feel especially comfortable in the general society of men or women, however.  Nor have I felt at home in the LGBT community (though the general acceptance is refreshing, of course.)

Effectively, I feel like I have the wrong body, but the trappings of 'Gender' concern me.  I am neither especially 'feminine' or 'masculine,' socially  I'm non-competitive but out-doors orientated, I have female and male friends and, concerned as I am about putting labels on myself, I suppose I would think of myself vaguely as a 'tom-boy' except... you know... with the wrong body to make that relevant.

All trans folk, I suppose, feel the fear of not being 'accepted' as their chosen sex.  For me, though, I fear it is worse.  Most MTF that I have talked with and socialised with have been very concerned with the trappings of 'femininity' in our society... I don't really think that is of interest to me.  I'm a grungy sort of girl and my bigger fear is that, aside from not being accepted socially (a risk/likelihood I feel I'm just going to have to take.)  Here in the UK, there are thankfully good support options for people who are considering transition and, ultimately, SRS.  However I fear that my needs might not be taken seriously, as there it seems to me there is this perception of necessity in taking on all the trappings of being a woman in our society; I don't want to feel I have to 'perform' to be accepted as a woman by the medical authorities.

Are there any transwomen out there who have felt similar to me and have had experience with having their case accepted on the NHS?  Can you reassure me at all?  I am afraid for my situation and, though I have one or two wonderful and accepting friends to whom I have 'come out' over this, the fear of my position being officially dismissed has felt crippling over the past few months.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Michelle. First off, you have support here with people who know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. Relax and all the good people here will help and not let you down. Second, I had to learn to let go how others view me. I am a lot like you, outdoorsy, not a fragile doll type person and assertive. I felt Dysphoria since age 7 and started to transition at 47. I was placed on HRT for a little over three months and then it was stopped because I was not acting "girly" enough for the therapist who used her view of femininity instead of the WPATH SoCs. Of course it does not help at all I live in a VERY intolerant part of the States. I guess all I am trying to say is do what you need to do to feel normal, relaxed and at peace. If that includes HRT and eventually SRS GO FOR IT! Don't let others dictate happiness for you or define you how they think you should be. Do what you need to do for YOURSELF. This is one time in life it is OK to be selfish and do what you want to and need to. You have all the support you will ever need here in this family. It is important enough for me the fight is not yet over and I will do what I have to and succeed (HUAH)! Become who you are comfortable with and the heck with others. They do not have to live in your skin and life. Let it go baby! Become the real you, not a fake you produced by society. Trust me, you will live longer and happier as the real you. Hope this helps.

[Aina]

I use to think if you were transgender you either though you were one or the other. Yet there are many forms of gender, such as gender-fluid.

I myself never really felt overly "feminine" or "masculine" yet, as far back as I can remember I've always been interested, wanted and wished to be a girl. I can't really explain it - and it wasn't till my early teens when I played online games - and started presenting myself as female that I found I like people treating and reacting to me as if I was female.

Yet stubbornly I said to myself "Nope I won't transition unless they come up with a way for me to be fully female". So I wished and prayed and hope one day I would, yet it never happen. I woke up one day and I was 30 socially I had friends but I never really do anything and haven't had a relationship in years, and since this august the desire to transition and move on with my life has been extremely strong.

I been moving at baby steps and hoping one day I have the courage to come out and push forward.

So what I am saying with my rant? Your not alone plenty of people on these forums are going through the exact thing you are. Susan's place is here just for people like us, who are confused, lost or just seeking answers.

[L G]

I am in pretty much the same situation you are in Michelle.

I am the kind of person that does what that do because they like doing it not because of what should be expected of me because of my gender. I have never truly associated myself with male or female and have floated in-between or largely ignored my gender socially for most of my life. While at the same time physically feeling wrong on a constant basis. This has put a huge strain on myself as it is constantly weighing on my thoughts as to weather I should or shouldn't do anything right now. Along with the fear that I will not accept myself and be stuck in some kind of limbo physically before any major "issues" are sorted out.

So in short, no you aren't the only person going thought what you are.