Sex/ual Desire after HRT (MtF)

[lolife]

My SO is MtF and has been on HRT for almost 6 months.  Before HRT we had a very active sex life and now she is not as interested in sex on a general level.  She says that her desire for me is still there it is just a bit muted.  She is able to become aroused, get, and sustain erections when we do occasionally engage.  I feel that if we are going to have any sexual activity at all, I will need to be the instigator and that makes me feel like I am coercing her into something she doesn't want to do.  Has anyone else dealt with this from either side and can offer any advice? I am feeling like a horrible person being frustrated and upset, but I want to make love to my girlfriend, damnit.

[Jamie D]

Six months of estradiol and my "ability to perform" ceased.  I'm not too keen on using the thing anyway, in terms of PiV sex.  Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that one's sexlife has to stop.  There are plenty of options.

See Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition (2009)

Be the instigator - be creative. 

[Jessica Merriman]

HRT does change the drive for sex. Before HRT it was on my mind all the time and pretty much ran my life every second of every day. Now after HRT it is different. I am not controlled by the male sexual drive anymore and I think about it a lot different. I want a deeper more romantic experience both body AND mind. I don't just want it to have it. I want someone to take it slower with a lot more gentle foreplay and not just a quickie. After I want to cuddle and not just go watch T.V. or something. She is going to be different the rest of her life, but not because of a loss of interest in you it is just the hormones affecting her new emotional system. Don't feel horrible, just try to understand her new emotional state and remember she is fairly new to the hormones so be patient and understanding. She has a lot to learn about her new body as she is basically going through puberty again.  

[muffinpants]

I would suggest sitting her down to a night alone and discussing it. Is it the hrt that is causing this? Perhaps just all the change in her life, she is too preoccupied? Maybe she is uncomfortable using her given 'equipment'? And maybe she likes it when you are the initiator, perhaps it helps her to feel her feminine side. Or maybe t has clouded her vision for a long time and she is finally able to think clearly again, without the constant distraction of being horny (think episode of seinfeld where george gives up sex).

anyways, sounds like yall are still having sex, no need to feel like you're coercing her (unless she guilts you or is passive aggressive about you initiating?). Maybe you could get into the whole thing and pull out a strap on next time But hun don't feel like a horrible person for wanting intimate time with your loved one! I hope ya feel better and everything works out!

[Brooke777]

As my estrogen levels have risen, my sex drive has also risen. I am far more interested in sex now than I was before. However, it takes more for me to actually be in the mood. Basically, before hrt if someone mentioned sex I was good to go. But now I require that they actually make an effort to make me feel wanted. Take last night for example. I really want to have sex, but my bf just came over after work, complained about his day, and asked if we could move into the bedroom. Once he did that, my desire just disappeared.

I don't know how things are between you and your SO, but perhaps you need to try a little romance. It doesn't have to be a big gesture. Just thoughtful.

[TerriT]

Yeah, I lost a ton of my sex drive. We still enjoy sex, just not nearly as often. We tried using other toys, but I started to feel like I couldn't do anything for her and it became a bit of an issue. IDK why. We've always had a lot of toys and stuff and it never bothered me before. But maybe it was because I felt outpaced for the first time that it was like I had become useless to her. It still works and we still have sex but it really takes a lot of effort for me to feel like I want to. Also, the little guy is pretty sensitive and it's not nearly as "explosive" as it was. It makes me feel a little insecure that I don't perform the way I used to. I'm probably making an ass out of myself so I'll stop now.

[Crackpot]

Before hormones and the start of transition my wife's sex drive was exceptionally low and it was a big issue for me during our relationship. However as transition continued and our sex life *changed* she has been more interested in it. It wasn't until a few weeks ago (right before the 8 year anniversary of our first date) that I found out that she had NEVER liked using that part and all those years the little we did have sex was just to make me happy. We don't use it at all anymore and we're both enjoying our sex life more than ever.

My suggestion is to talk to her. I know the others that commented above said that their sex drive had gone down, it's also a possibility that it's lower because she's no longer comfortable using that part. If that's the case, you guys will just have to try new things and find out what works for you that leave you both satisfied.

[blueconstancy]

I don't know if reframing the issue will help, but my wife pointed out that she'd had to initiate/seduce me 99% of the time we've been together, and I always told her I appreciated and enjoyed it once we got going... so how was it different if I had to seduce her now, instead?

Basically, I second the suggestion of simply talking to her! If she says she's happy to have sex once you've gotten the ball rolling, you can try to take her at her word. One of the but changes HRT can make is reducing that "gotta have it" aspect of the sex drive, so that like many women, she might need a bit of warmup to get her engine running these days. It doesn't mean she's not interested or isn't enjoying it.

[lolife]

Thank you everyone for your insightful and varied responses.  I really appreciate it.  It's nice to hear that other women's drives have lessened and that it isn't a "me" thing.    Some particulars about our situation that may be different are that I have had some reconstructive facial work done, so I've been feeling REALLY unattractive and her lack of interest in sex ended up coinciding with everything.  She doesn't have a problem with her penis emotionally or intellectually, though she is leaning toward SRS in the distant future.  Tiffany - I really appreciate your honesty.  She is in a similar place with less production/explosion though I'm not sure about sensitivity.  I'll keep talking with her.  Thank you again.

[ashley_thomas]

I love sex so does my wife (I'm trans she's cis), but the moments we connect are less frequently now.  I have some performance anxiety, she does too.  How do we do it, right? We talk open about it and we move forward. It's always good when we connect, the changes though seem somewhat rapid so there always seems to be something to talk about.  That part kind of stinks, but talking and then making out beats the alternative of not talking and then not touching.  It's also kind of awesome and reassuring too.  I wish we were on auto pilot and already there, wherever there is, but I'll take what we have and be super happy about it. Gotta talk about it and your wonderful trans partner likely will be relieved to have a straight forward open discussion... It's what we dream about

[brianna1016]

My sex drive went waaay down after hrt. But that was before I started dating men my female sex drive has been awakened and things have never been better! I love it!

[Jennygirl]

Thank you everyone for your insightful and varied responses.  I really appreciate it.  It's nice to hear that other women's drives have lessened and that it isn't a "me" thing.    Some particulars about our situation that may be different are that I have had some reconstructive facial work done, so I've been feeling REALLY unattractive and her lack of interest in sex ended up coinciding with everything.  She doesn't have a problem with her penis emotionally or intellectually, though she is leaning toward SRS in the distant future.  Tiffany - I really appreciate your honesty.  She is in a similar place with less production/explosion though I'm not sure about sensitivity.  I'll keep talking with her.  Thank you again.

All of the sexual relationships I was in throughout my earlier years my S.O. had the same problem. The feeling of turning it inwards on yourself is (I think) extremely common, but don't worry. I know, easier said than done right?

I found sex to be dangerous or harmful to the relationships at times, because of the exchange that happens when the interest isn't there. Feelings get hurt fast and issues escalate virulently!

Perhaps you could try to connect with her on an even more emotional level than you already do, a more intimate level. I.e. for basically my whole life (but especially after HRT), I have found myself unable to become aroused with someone unless there is an active emotional connection. Sometimes it's an emotion of closeness with someone and great meaning behind being with that person, sometimes it's simply a feeling of comfort or amazement about them. I guess what I'm getting at is maybe just try focusing more on intimacy and love, and not expecting for her to gain much traction with the visual aspect that she likely used to be able to with testosterone in the bloodstream.

Just tell her how much you love her and see what happens. You could think of it as emotional foreplay