Reflecting on how far I've come - inviting anyone else to do the same

[Jeatyn]

I've been on this forum for around 5 years. This is pretty much the first place I discovered when I started seriously questioning my gender identity. There was roughly a year before that of "discovering myself." You've all been here to guide me and provide me with a place to air out my frustrations and I'm so thankful for that. Many of you have been here much longer than me and have watched my journey through my posts on here - there have been times when having these forums to come to has saved my life. Just having people who understand what you're going through when times get rough is such a huge help.

When I look back on that 5 years I marvel at how far I've come - when I discovered this place I had no future. I was depressed, a twice over college drop out, unemployed, pretty much homeless (crashing on whoever's couch was available) - I had lived my life up until that point in a daze, just going through the motions of what I thought was expected of me.

Even when I was at rock bottom though, I never lost hope. That hope may have just been a barely visible glimmer in the back of my mind at times but it was always there, spurring me to carry on. I always had a pretty firm idea of the kind of person I wanted to be and the sort of life I wanted - it was just sort of blurry around the edges. I found it very difficult to make actual plans and move my life forward in any way. It all just felt pointless and unobtainable.

But now? Holy crap, I can't even believe how happy I am with my life now. It took me 4 years of struggling to convince a GP I needed help, battles with MP's over policy's, a plethora of failed relationships/friendships, a huge legal battle over my pregnancy, and about 8 long distance house moves to get here - on top of the dysphoria and all the social minefields that come with transitioning. Now I'm just over 1 year on T and a week post-op and I consider my transition pretty much finished. Obviously T will continue to work it's magic for many years to come; and I have some general body issues to fix with good ol' diet and exercise but that could apply to any number of guys trans or otherwise.

I'm now settled in a very nice house, I have the greatest partner anyone could ask for and we're raising a well behaved bright little girl. I run my own business which is doing pretty well, keeping me afloat whilst I study for a degree in software development - which is also going very well.

For the first time ever I have a social life and friends - my uni class is 18 guys and I fit in perfectly with nobody questioning my gender. I'm one of the guys and I am loving it. My personality finally has a chance to shine through and now that my top half has been fixed my body is no longer holding me back from accomplishing my physical goals. (After I recover, of course)

I'm extremely excited about the future, whilst very much enjoying the present. I hope this doesn't come across as bragging - that really isn't my intent, I just really wanted to share - and I would also love to hear other peoples stories. Even if you don't feel like you've made much progress yet, take a moment to reflect, it's probably more than you realise. Every little step forward counts as long as you don't give up.

[KabitTarah]

Mine won't be as impressive... 5 years, congrats!

I do want to start with the past, though. Around 15 I came OOTC to my parents. It was not successful and it was passed off as a phase, jealousy of my sister, etc. They convinced me it could never happen and tried to convince me it wasn't real. A big part of me believed them. Still, I see that time in my life as my experimentation phase.

From college until August 5th, 2013 (at 35 years old) I repressed it. Dysphoria would come and go, but it wasn't something I admitted to myself. I coped with food and transgender transformation (magic/sci-fi) stories and artwork.

Since August 5th, I've written in my diary almost every day (hormonal dysphoria and emotional issues sometimes stop that). I came out to my wife just days after coming out to myself. She broke down so I came out to my parents... who also broke down in grief and tried to "fix" me for a time.

I've repaired most of the relationships to a degree, but my family is still intolerant of me and my wife's family is tolerant and appear accepting (though possibly they just give that appearance, but that's still pretty wonderful of them).

Recently I came out to my management chain (because my new manager was being chosen and I wanted them to have advanced planning time).

I start HRT one week from today.

My therapist has commented a number of times on how quickly I've progressed (psychologically). I tell him that I've had over 20 years to come to terms with who I am. If I'd have started seeing him during the height of my repression (don't know how I could've) I might be less accepting of myself.

[suzifrommd]

I joined Susan's April 2012. At that point I had never had the slightest desire to wear women's clothes and the idea of transitioning hadn't occurred to me. It's 19 months later and I've been happily living full time as a woman for more than six months.

Some of my mental health professionals have been concerned that I'm moving "too fast" (Who are they to judge? How do they know how fast is too fast for me?)

If I hadn't moved as fast, I'd still be unhappily trying to act like a male.

Thanks for sharing your story Jeatyn. I hope I can end mine as happily as yours.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I have followed your story from the beginning, Jeatyn.  And I am so happy that you are getting to a place where you are happy.

In the last 5 years, for me, it has not been so great.  Started transition in 2008.  September of that year I was full time, even in my job.  In that same month, I changed my name.  However in 2009, I lost my job.  I lived on unemployment til 2012.

In 2011, I returned to college to get an AA degree in Veterinary Medicine.  I am a registered Vet Tech, but I will be losing my license at the end of December, because I can not find any kind of work.  I can even pay for the renewal of my license.

I could become homeless in January for the same reason.

But good for you, Jeatyn.  Hugs to that little girl of yours.

[Jeatyn]

Sorry to hear you're having some issues at the moment Janet, I think everyone is struggling at the moment with finances, my partner was just "let go" due to cuts recently. I decided working for myself was a more secure option and that's saying something All fingers crossed for you that things start to pick up soon.

kabit, one week until HRT, exciting I think keeping a diary is a great idea. What actually prompted this thread was me reading back all of my old posts which is the closest I have to a diary, it's very interesting to look back and see how things have changed.

suzi: I must admit that does seem fast, but if you're happy with it then that's what counts, it only seems fast because I had to wait so long once I made the decision to transition, I would have loved to have been able to do it faster. I got there in the end though =)