Hi Cameron,
The advice of all the wonderful women on your thread is amazing. But before you lose your confidence again and feel like you don't add anything to your baby's life, read my story and realize it could be so much worse.
I was married at 21, in 1976, and tried to stop the marriage before it happened because my Dysphoria was growing huge again and I realized once more for a time that no woman could save me from being transsexual. In late '77, when I was having an affair with a guy, shaving my legs, seeing him as a woman only and still in a very unhappy marriage, she thought she was pregnant and told me she'd get an abortion if she was, because I couldn't be trusted to be any baby's father, because I was 'more of a woman' than she was. We divorced, and I met a woman the next year, and the night we first made love my legs and underarms were shaved, which was pretty hard for her not to notice. When we got seriously involved I tried to pull back completely from my Gender Dysphoria, but she could tell I wasn't succeeding well. I got her pregnant and after three months she said she had a miscarriage, but to this day I don't know if she had an abortion or miscarriage. I reconnected with her on Facebook as friends and she told me she was glad the baby didn't make it because she knew I was a woman inside and she needed a man. In '82 I got a girl I was living with pregnant and she had an abortion with an exclamation point, telling me, "If you were the last man on earth I wouldn't have this baby, because you're not a man anyway, and you'll never be there for us when we need you." Believe it or not, it happened again with the same woman the next year, and for years I've felt terrible guilt that I had a part in both abortions and that I'm childless. I always felt I'd be a good parent, either as a mom or dad. If the child was a boy, I was an extremely good athlete, knew a great deal about sports and was very patient as a teacher, but I wouldn't push. I feel even more positive I'd have been a good parent to a daughter. Because I was honest, or more truthfully, because I couldn't hide who I really was, I have no one to be a parent to and it still hurts, especially around Christmas. I hear some women say they're glad they're trans, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, because of how it affected me in every single aspect of my life, but so intensely on this very subject, children. Still, since I know that unrelenting heartache almost invariably accompanies an mtf trans who doesn't transition, I would recommend transition to each and every transgendered woman. I'm usually quite happy and at peace, but threads such as this one can stir up emotions lurking in an unhappy past. Hugs, Mira
