Waiting

[Danielle Emmalee]

So I've lived 27 years as male, why is it feeling so difficult to wait just a few more month for things to happen?  HRT should be happening within 6 months, I should be able to come out to everyone within the same time period, I should be able to get laser at least started within the next couple months and I should be relatively safe to live as 100% female at least at home within a couple months.  These are all very short time periods when compared to my whole life, so why do I feel so much worse about not having it done than I did, say, a year ago?  I'm feeling unusually upset about my life compared to the norm and extremely impatient.  I just want to be myself already and its making me very irritable and depressed.  I know I'm preaching to the choir here, so I guess this is just a rant.  I really hate my life right now.

[Jessica Merriman]

Don't hate your life! You are so close to being born again in the body you felt you should have had long ago. You are impatient because you are so close to being the real you. I thought HRT would NEVER come soon enough, so I get it totally. It is not often you get the chance to start a new life and be happy. Hang in there!

[Ltl89]

So I've lived 27 years as male, why is it feeling so difficult to wait just a few more month for things to happen?  HRT should be happening within 6 months, I should be able to come out to everyone within the same time period, I should be able to get laser at least started within the next couple months and I should be relatively safe to live as 100% female at least at home within a couple months.  These are all very short time periods when compared to my whole life, so why do I feel so much worse about not having it done than I did, say, a year ago?  I'm feeling unusually upset about my life compared to the norm and extremely impatient.  I just want to be myself already and its making me very irritable and depressed.  I know I'm preaching to the choir here, so I guess this is just a rant.  I really hate my life right now.

I completely understand the feeling.  I've been taking my time with my transition and it can be frustrating, but honestly it's been worth it in the end.  If you plan on fully transitioning, let me recommend that you start working on your voice.  Voice training is really time consuming and it is one of the most important things you can do.  If you get that done before everything else, you are already well on your way and won't feel like you simply sat there waiting.  Good luck with everything!

[RainbowGuacamole]

I think waiting the last little bit of time is probably so hard simply BECAUSE you've spent your whole life waiting for this. Being on the verge of a new life and counting down the days until you can drop the facade and experience the life you were always meant to have is a nail bitter to be sure. I can understand the feeling of hating your life as it is, but just think about it this way: 2014 is the last year you'll ever have had to ring in presenting male!

[Danielle Emmalee]

I have no doubts it will be worth it.  I'm not contemplating giving up.  The only thing I'm contemplating is pushing myself to start everything earlier.

[RainbowGuacamole]

Would there be any potential complications/major hurdles to starting earlier?

[Danielle Emmalee]

I'd like to have more money saved up before I start laser.  My job isn't entirely stable as my keeping it is based on a fairly uncontrollable variable.  Also I have roommates that may not take to my coming out too well and they're moving out within a couple month.  Also my sister is pregnant and due very soon, so if I come out now, and it's not taken well by my whole family, it could complicate seeing my new nephew.

[Adam (birkin)]

I feel you on this. I waited a very long time for a few reasons, and now, the final part of the wait is becoming unbearable. I think I remember you saying you got into a clinic in BC - be grateful for that at least! The Alberta clinic is absolutely brutal, horrible wait times, so skipping that is really a good thing, trust me. The time will go by soon enough but I know how much it blows meanwhile.

[Ms Grace]

Yep, waiting is a bore. Technically I've been waiting 23 years since my tilt at transition. And now I'm less than three months from full time I'm the most impatient I've ever felt! It gives me the opportunity to get things in shape though. Soon. Soon...

[Sephirah]

So I've lived 27 years as male, why is it feeling so difficult to wait just a few more month for things to happen?

I'm of the view that waiting only becomes hard once you realise that's what you're doing. Until that point you believe you're living your life. Unfocused. Once you know that until that point you've actually been existing, once you gain focus, and learn what you have to do to actually start living... that's when it becomes hard to accept any aspect of it that you aren't in control of.

Patience may be a virtue, but so is courage. Sometimes that one is stronger, and fires us up. Motivates us. Urges us to take control of ourselves and our lives to realise the object of that focus. The outcome. And any delay on that is met with unusually harsh resistance.

[Danielle Emmalee]

I feel you on this. I waited a very long time for a few reasons, and now, the final part of the wait is becoming unbearable. I think I remember you saying you got into a clinic in BC - be grateful for that at least! The Alberta clinic is absolutely brutal, horrible wait times, so skipping that is really a good thing, trust me. The time will go by soon enough but I know how much it blows meanwhile.

Yeah I am happy that I managed that.

I'm of the view that waiting only becomes hard once you realise that's what you're doing. Until that point you believe you're living your life. Unfocused. Once you know that until that point you've actually been existing, once you gain focus, and learn what you have to do to actually start living... that's when it becomes hard to accept any aspect of it that you aren't in control of.

Patience may be a virtue, but so is courage. Sometimes that one is stronger, and fires us up. Motivates us. Urges us to take control of ourselves and our lives to realise the object of that focus. The outcome. And any delay on that is met with unusually harsh resistance.

That makes sense.

I completely understand the feeling.  I've been taking my time with my transition and it can be frustrating, but honestly it's been worth it in the end.  If you plan on fully transitioning, let me recommend that you start working on your voice.  Voice training is really time consuming and it is one of the most important things you can do.  If you get that done before everything else, you are already well on your way and won't feel like you simply sat there waiting.  Good luck with everything!

Good call on the voice thing.  I don't feel dysphoric about my own voice, so it hasn't been much of a focus for me, but having it keep people gender me male will likely cause dysphoria, so its probably a good idea.

[FrancisAnn]

It's OK to vent. Waiting just sucks. We have all been there.

Try & be cool, just relax & take each day one day at a time as they say.

Good luck GF.

[Jill F]

One valuable life lesson my transition has taught me is patience.  It's been over a year, and I am honestly not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel (barfy cliche, I know).  I am starting to think that there is a distinct possibility that looking for that light may be yet another exercise in futility.  Perhaps it is more about the journey than the destination (to dust off another barfy cliche) and focusing on the here and the now makes a lot more sense than on that one day in the distant or not-so-distant future when I see that pretty lady in the mirror with all the right parts.   Don't get me wrong, my eyes are still on the prize, but not allowing myself to be happy or satisfied until that goal is attained just doesn't seem healthy.  I will get there someday, but I know I must stop to smell the roses (barfy cliche #3... Wow, I'm on a roll.) and enjoy life each day to the fullest just in case I get hit by a bus tomorrow. (I'm going to need a bucket now, and perhaps a hose.)

Patience is key.