Better than expected!!
So my mom is really hard to get a hold of, and most of the time I get her voice mail or something. So I kept texting her for good times to call her when she'd have time to have an actual conversation because I had to get something off my chest. I texted that there was something big that had happened, that I was nervous but excited to tell her and that to not worry that I was finally truly truly happy!
Well we kept playing phone tag, so I finally left a text saying that I would be calling back later that night. That if she didn't answer I was just going to have to leave the news on a voicmail that I couldn't wait anymore and I just had to get it off my chest. They may sound kind of mean, but I'm talking a whole month without getting a hold of her. Although I can't be that hard on her we did connect twice BUT she was with guests or out to dinner etc and that is just bad timing and I wasn't going to throw such big news at her when she is entertaining guests. I also told her that I really didn't want to tell her on a message but I just had to tell her by end of the day!
Anyway I call her later that night, and she answers! She started the conversation that she is pretty 100% sure that she knew what I was going to tell her. She asked me "Are you my daughter now"? And with a huge smile on my face I said "Yes I am"! We talked for over 2 hours and she told me that she will help me with my siblings to help them understand! I have 4 siblings and I come from a pretty conservative family, as close to "normal" as normal gets (as there really is no normal as we all know
. On top of that I'm the youngest, and on top of that 3 of my siblings are 15-17 years older than me. So all my life I've sought their approval because they were more like parental figures to me. So it was always hard for me to be bold and different, even though I've colored my hair since middle school and mostly wild colors, dressed differently than my peers and generally stood out my whole life. But to tell them I was transgender always seemed the impossible and that I would never get their approval. So now that I have my mom on board with me, I just feel so confident everyone will come to terms with it and accept me for me. The me I've been hiding for so long, I feel like I will finally be close to my family, like really close. It's hard being from a big family and never really feel like you could be yourself. I always felt so awkward in my skin! I know I'm preaching to the choir
But I just feel things are going to be so awesome with my family. I've known strongly for a very long time, that none of my family would ever every disown or abandon me. My family is very very loving and they've always come through for me in my hardest and darkest times. And now they will understand my struggles, and although it will be a shock for them and a definite adjustment period, I just know things will be great
So on top of that my mom asks "Honey do you mind if I tell your step dad, I like to share everything with him" and I said of course, that I share everything with my husband too. Then my mom says "B you do you want to talk to "Harlow*"? And he comes on the line and started saying how he's happy for me since I am finally being able to be true to myself. How my dad (who passed away when I was 19) came to him a few times and was trying to understand me. How I acted like a girl and that he couldn't get me interested in a simple as a thing as toy cars etc. etc. He completely was 100% accepting and even asked if I was getting surgeries. Which made me so happy, because I was expecting more along the lines of them telling me to hold it back and not take it too far etc. But they were 100% okay with it all!
(*I went by Harlow years ago, not sure if I'm taking that name again or not)
My mom was telling me some things I never knew as well! I came out as gay when I was 16/17 and she told me all the same things that she did back then plus some. How she knew since I was very young around 2 or 3. How I was always surrounded by girls and how they loved me and we'd play dolls for hours. How the other moms would comment on how cute I was, and that I was going to be a "babe magnet" one day. How my mom in her mind kind of giggled and thought "He's a little too cute" and she just knew. Well apparently one time when I was 6 or so my mom was doing the dishes and I called out "MOM" and she acknowledged me but didn't look in my direction. So I again loudly called out "MOM"! and so she turned around and I looked her in the eyes and said "Mom I'm a girl"! She then kindly changed the subject
Then again when I was around 10 she told me we had a mommy and son date. That she had a wonderful time with just me (because we have a big family) and that we went shopping at one of the fancier malls in our area. She said she couldn't believe at my age how I was so savvy and knew all the designers names and how excited I was to be shopping with her. My fondest memories are of the days with just me and mom. I could always relax and just be myself, I could play with dolls in front of her I could dance and sing and twirl. So it doesn't come to a surprise that I was being like a young daughter to her that day. She said it was so much fun, than she took me to a fancy Italian restaurant for lunch and said I was so cute that I ordered the tiramisu for dessert. A dessert she'd never even heard before, I was always ordering the fanciest sounding foods without really even know what they were lol. She than said again, that I got her attention and I said "Mom, I'm a girl" and again she sweetly smiled and changed the subject. Then the one that really got me because I was an adult and have NO recollection of this at ALL. It was my sisters wedding reception and I was 19 years old. My mom bought me a very expensive Calvin Klein suit that was tailored for me. She pulled me aside and commented on how handsome I looked. I leaned over and said "Oh my God mom, I feel so awkward I hate this. I feel like a woman in a suit and tie". I couldn't believe I'd say something like that, I was always fearful of saying anything about me being trans or anything close. Even my short lived drag days were a complete secret.
This was AMAZING news, I just felt so validated, I never really felt doubt about starting HRT this time around. I have just been so happy, loving my life and enjoying it. I'm starting to love my body now, and my mind is so much clearer and lighter. But there was always a part of me, nagging me, asking myself if I just
wanted to be transgender. I've never felt so strongly like a lot of stories you here, I've never harmed myself or wanted to harm myself over any gender issues. I've never been suicidal or depressed or anything to suggest I was 100% transgender and
needed to pursue HRT and the whole process or I would self destruct or just be absolutely miserable. I have lived a shadow of a life, especially the last 10 years or so. I shut down and became reclusive and my life only revolved around work my husband and my dogs. I slept a lot and didn't care about my appearance anymore, I stopped caring about clothes all together and this is someone who went to fashion school. So yes looking back it was definitely a cause of concern and was obviously connected to not being able to express who I am on the inside. But again I always doubted if I
truly was transgender. Not a gay guy who was fascinated by how HRT can change you physically, or obsessed with drag queens and their magical transformations. But now hearing all of what she had told me, that I tried to come out to her at least 3 different times. Not saying that I feel different or what not, but that I told her "I AM a girl" I feel so relieved and 100% whole, I am a transgender woman and I am so excited to live the rest of my life as 100% me and 100% authentic and I'm not going to ever have to be that awkward gay guy anymore. Being gay was my beard and a nice breather as I could be effeminate and it was expected. I just feel so right now as trans, it's an amazing feeling!!
I can't wait for more changes and to get closer and closer to my family. I don't talk to any of them hardly and when I do I'm always super anxious and nervous. I always thought it might be from social anxiety or some issue I may have. But it's because I always felt like I wasn't being me, and it would make me feel kind of not all there. So it will be so exciting to rebuild my relationships with all of them and really let them into my life again
I could go on and on I'm just so thrilled at how well it went. How I was not expecting at ALL that my dad was listening in on the conversation. Which I'm so happy my mom secretly did that, as I was very open and had I known he was on the phone I wouldn't have been able to really be 100% honest and say what I needed to say. That she is going to help me come out to my siblings, that she told me she knew one day I'd probably come out as transgender, how she will be able to tell them how I tried to come out to her even as a small child.
I couldn't be happier, it's like all my wishes came true!! I always dreamed of having a husband and being able to be a woman and event though I used to dream of having children (not anymore) we have two amazing dogs and that is enough for me
