Despite the fact that I'm horny 24/7 I have no interest in actually having physical sexual contact with anyone except for my husband, who's out of state for the next 6 months to a year. It's mostly because I'm uncomfortable with my body and I know that he accepts the way I look 110% and is very attracted to me. There's no rejection on his part and that makes me feel secure.
However, there's a girl at work that I've become new friends with and she's attracted to me and has a crush on me. She's told me herself, and it's flattering but I don't really know how to handle it. I'm the type of person who makes a joke or makes people laugh when I feel awkward or unsure, so I listened to her, but then teased her and got her to laugh with me and the tension in my head went away.
You see, I thought I'd identify as gay but my interest in women has increased although my fear of them hasn't gone away. I've been rejected by men plenty of times and while it can hurt depending on the circumstances, for the most part it's never been painful or mean spirited. Just a 'No I'm not interested.' I fear women because I've never met any that didn't eventually turn on me and stab me in the back. I fear it happening again, but now it's even worse because I want to be closer than I ever was with my girl friends or mother and that would hurt even worse. I'm good at being friendly with girls, but that's it.
I have wondered if transition and passing as a guy will mean that women will treat me different. I haven't experienced that outside of this job yet, though, so I don't know.
I think this girl is cute, but I don't know if I'm interested in her because I'm still getting to know her and of course worry of how she'll handle things on her end means I'm still holding back and waiting and watching. It takes me a while to know if I'm interested in a guy, so it doesn't surprise me if it'll work the same for women if I ever do manage to figure out if I'm bi/pansexual or not.
I'm super confused. Any advice or thoughts?
