Envious of my unborn son...

[Ethedon]

I've had bottom dysphoria ever since the age of 5, when I realized what I had downstairs was wrong.
Over the years my dysphoria only got worse. It wasn't until puberty when I developed top dysphoria. And I hated it! I cried to my parents but they only laughed not realizing it was serious. Come on every young girl is anticipates growing breast but I was a young boy!!! Now I'm 26 and my bottom dysphoria is unbearable! I've always had penis envy but now it's worst. I feel handicap. I can't have sex like a man. I want to be able to concieve a child as a man but I can't. I hate the fact I can't penetrate my girlfriend without using a strap. It's to the point where I hate using it but I use it for her pleasure. It kills me. We are now expecting. I was praying for a girl but it's a boy and I'm jealous of him already. I get to see him grow from a baby to a man which is was I was supposed to do!! He'll be able to do everything I can't. And on top of it all I can't find a way to connect with him because of my bottom dysphoria being that he's not biologically mine. Blood doesn't make a family but I'm only Human and this is hard for me. I feel like any guy who couldn't conceive would feel like this. Less of a man. I feel like I'm ready to be a father to a son after being dissapointed it wasn't a girl. But how to I get over being jealous and envious of this innocent person? And the fact my girlfriend didn't want to carry my eggs for me because she wanted a child that was biologically hers!! Now I'm supposed to be the strong one suck it up except it smile and be happy.She really didn't help my issues or dysphoria at all. She's half the reason I can't connect. But we're supposed to be a happy family!! FML

[Simon]

I've sit here trying to think of a tactful way to put this. The best thing I can come up with is suck it up and be a parent. The child didn't ask to be born. Going into this you knew there was a 50/50 chance. Being envious of a child can easily turn into neglect. Raise the boy to be the best man you can. The boy is going to need a father figure to look up to. Not one that is giving him the stink eye for merely existing.

I will be going through the same thing in a few years. My wife and I are planning on having a child once I graduate. I WANT a boy. I want to take him to Boy Scouts, Football practice, and fishing. I want my child to have everything I didn't. No, my child won't be biologically mine either but what does that matter? How many cis males raise children who aren't theirs and love them as their own?

[Gene]

I've sit here trying to think of a tactful way to put this. The best thing I can come up with is suck it up and be a parent. The child didn't ask to be born. Going into this you knew there was a 50/50 chance. Being envious of a child can easily turn into neglect. Raise the boy to be the best man you can. The boy is going to need a father figure to look up to. Not one that is giving him the stink eye for merely existing.

I will be going through the same thing in a few years. My wife and I are planning on having a child once I graduate. I WANT a boy. I want to take him to Boy Scouts, Football practice, and fishing. I want my child to have everything I didn't. No, my child won't be biologically mine either but what does that matter? How many cis males raise children who aren't theirs and love them as their own?

There is so much win in this post.

OP, you're focusing too much on the wrong thing. You're going to be a dad, and all you can think about is how the boy ain't your blood? And you are jealous instead of preparing to guide him through life? This strikes me as incredibly selfish. It's not about just you, guy.

[Contravene]

If the discussion of your girlfriend carrying your eggs came up then apparently you two talked about having a child at some length. So why did you decide to go through with it, or let her go through with it, despite being uncomfortable about these things?

You probably should have talked all this out long before she was expecting.

[Kreuzfidel]

If the discussion of your girlfriend carrying your eggs came up then apparently you two talked about having a child at some length. So why did you decide to go through with it, or let her go through with it, despite being uncomfortable about these things?

You probably should have talked all this out long before she was expecting.

^^^THIS.

It's not that I can't see what you mean - feeling envious of anyone born biologically male is sometimes just part of the territory when it comes to being trans* and dealing with dysphoria.  Yes, certain things will trigger it - I even find that I feel envious and sometimes jealous of my 4-year-old nephew for all the same reasons.  However, when it comes to a child that is meant to be your son, you have to either find a way to address and manage your feelings before you project them unfairly onto him or you need to step out of the picture before you become a toxic source of damage to your family.

Are you in therapy at all?  Because honestly, these issues (which should have been addressed before you went ahead with this) you're having need to be sorted out ASAP.

[King Malachite]

I've had bottom dysphoria ever since the age of 5, when I realized what I had downstairs was wrong.
Over the years my dysphoria only got worse. It wasn't until puberty when I developed top dysphoria. And I hated it! I cried to my parents but they only laughed not realizing it was serious. Come on every young girl is anticipates growing breast but I was a young boy!!! Now I'm 26 and my bottom dysphoria is unbearable! I've always had penis envy but now it's worst. I feel handicap. I can't have sex like a man. I want to be able to concieve a child as a man but I can't. I hate the fact I can't penetrate my girlfriend without using a strap. It's to the point where I hate using it but I use it for her pleasure. It kills me. We are now expecting. I was praying for a girl but it's a boy and I'm jealous of him already. I get to see him grow from a baby to a man which is was I was supposed to do!! He'll be able to do everything I can't. And on top of it all I can't find a way to connect with him because of my bottom dysphoria being that he's not biologically mine. Blood doesn't make a family but I'm only Human and this is hard for me. I feel like any guy who couldn't conceive would feel like this. Less of a man. I feel like I'm ready to be a father to a son after being dissapointed it wasn't a girl. But how to I get over being jealous and envious of this innocent person? And the fact my girlfriend didn't want to carry my eggs for me because she wanted a child that was biologically hers!! Now I'm supposed to be the strong one suck it up except it smile and be happy.She really didn't help my issues or dysphoria at all. She's half the reason I can't connect. But we're supposed to be a happy family!! FML

I understand your pain man.  Really, I do.  I intend on having children one day and I know that if it's a boy, I'm going to be extremely jealous of it.  Ironically enough I do want a son.  I'm going to back Simon up on this and say the best way to deal with it is to be the best father you can be to him.  Let you being transgender be the fuel that drives you to give your son the things you couldn't have.  That's how I'm going to deal with it.  Unless theres some medical breakthrough in the future, chances are, my son isn't going to be biologically mine.  That does hurt some, but at the same time, I'm not superman.  I have a lot horrible genes and I'm giving my son a gift by not passing them onto him.  I don't know if there's any sort of illnesses that run in your family, but I say look at it as your son may have a higher chance to get certain illnesses passed down to him.  If the process was done through sperm donation, then the donors are supposed to go through extensive screening and meet certain qualifications.  Yes, it would be awesome if the child was biologically yours, but you're the one that is going to be raising it, not donors, and in my opinion if I'm shelling out my time and money for a child that is legally mine, then that's enough for me.


I do agree that you need to discuss these feelings before the child is born.  If you can't do that with a therapist, then you need to talk about it more in depth with your partner.  The last thing you need when the baby is born is to have suppressed feelings about your son.

[LordKAT]

Do as parents do. Make sure your child has the opportunities and knowledge that you did not. Accept them as who they are no matter who that is. Love them from day 1 because they grow up real fast and they learn all the unwritten stuff that you never actually told them. There are no do overs when it comes to kids.

[Edge]

I feel envious of my son too. When that happens, I just let myself feel it privately and briefly and then let it go. He has his own issues to deal with. He doesn't need me unfairly putting my stuff on him. Also, if I'm feeling upset, hugging is a really good way for both of us to know we are loved.
It's ok not to feel connected to him right now. He hasn't even been born yet. Holding him will be much different. Also, as the months and years pass, you will get to watch as his personality comes out.
As for him not being "yours," I can understand the sadness, but genetics aren't really what makes him yours. You get to teach him things, take him places, and be his dad.

[peky]

I have two daughters, beautiful, healthy, loving, full of promises girls...

After they were born I hold them in my hands and I carefully inspected them, ears, nose, eyes, fingers, toes. As they grow up I was always hovering around them observing them, worrying if they may have inherited my GID...but luckily for them and me, no GID in their generation...

I have seen them experience all the girls milestones. First period, training bra, first date, etc., and now entering womanhood....

Was I ever envious or jealous of them? Not at all! Sometimes seeing them experience the things that were denied to me, will fill me with sadness and self pity but it usually did not last long enough.

I am so grateful I have been part of their lives, sharing their triumphs and their agonies

Yet, I understand your feelings...I always wonder how it is to be a cis woman or a cis man, and it bothers me that I will never know how it feels

[YBtheOutlaw]

it's fair for every ftm to feel jealous of biological males. for instance our neighbour's 2yr old kid is such an adorable thing and we both love each other's company, but when he runs around naked i can't help but feel jealous. i'm more than jealous of my younger brother. but man, this is your son! the fact that he doesn't carry your genes is only a scientific truth. reality doesn't always have to be what you believe to be true. just think of him as your own. it's all a mind game. and just imagine, when this child grows up he's gonna call you daddy no matter what. no explanations, no corrections like rest of the world, he'll see you as the man who's his dad. he's gonna look up to you, take you as his hero and love you just because you're his dad. learn to love him now, before he's born and it'll be a lot easier when he's around, when he's in your hands. the most important thing is that you're going to become a father, which is the greatest height any man can achieve.

[Oriah]

Step up and be a parent. It's not about YOU anymore.  Don't waste your time with envy and building a rift between you and your kid, be glad he'll have chances you never got and focus on being a good dad.

[AdamMLP]

For a long time I thought that I would never have children because I didn't know how to be a parent, then I met the best teacher I've ever had, not only in teaching his subject but also in teaching me how families should be, and how to be a father.  That man was more of a father to me in the two years I knew him than mine ever has been irrespective of blood or anything else.  He changed my life so much that I really don't know whether I'll keep my current surname, and not a drop of our blood is the same.  DNA and genes mean nothing to me, they're not a guarantee that someone is going to be a good parent to you, they're not a guarantee that there will be love between you, that sort of stuff has to be forged, not forced.

You know the saying "blood is thicker than water"?  That's a corruption of the phrase "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", in other words, the blood shared in the old days during "blood brother" sort of rituals with sacrificed goats and the like binds people together more than being related through birth.

As for actually raising the child, I know that I'm going to be jealous if I have a son, but I'd rather have a son than a daughter, because I wouldn't know where to start raising a girl.  I was tempted to swear to never have children again when I realised that it'd hurt seeing my son get to do all the things I never did, and then I changed my viewpoint on it.  Yeah, it's stuff that I wished I had been able to do, but why can't I live my youth again through seeing him grow up?  I thought back to when I was in the teacher I mentioned before's classroom, and there was a quote postcard pinned on the wall which said, "it's never too late to have a happy childhood", and that's stayed with me.  I don't have to be bitter about it, I can just make sure that my son gets everything that I wished I had had, and be happy in the knowledge that I've been the best father possible.

You need to change your viewpoint on your child.  Staying bitter is only going to make your families, and your, life miserable.  Give that kid the upbringing he and you deserves.  It's probably worth talking to your girlfriend as well about how you feel with her refusing to carry your eggs.  Was she doing it for your sake because egg harvesting involves lots and lots of estrogen and other female hormones?  Did she not understand how you felt?  There's a lack of communication there, it's a big thing to just let lie, and it could end up subconsciously being taken out on someone who wasn't even conceived then.

[overdrive]

I apologize because maybe I'm taking a portion of this post too personally but the OP posted saying you felt handicap. Wtf dude!? Not even close to it. I'm FTM and I'm a paraplegic. Being FTM is not a disability. Losing the ability to move your legs or even feel them for that matter is barely a disability unless you let it be. Drives me crazy to hear people cry disability when they have no understanding what real disability is.

[Simon]

I apologize because maybe I'm taking a portion of this post too personally but the OP posted saying you felt handicap. Wtf dude!? Not even close to it.

Drives me crazy to hear people cry disability when they have no understanding what real disability is.

No reason to apologize before making a truthful statement. I understand because in the past I have seen guys call their chests 'tumors' before top surgery. As a cancer patient it drives me up the wall and is a gross overreaction. I really wish transguys would see being trans as a journey more than a struggle. Some people say things without thinking.

[aleon515]

No reason to apologize before making a truthful statement. I understand because in the past I have seen guys call their chests 'tumors' before top surgery. As a cancer patient it drives me up the wall and is a gross overreaction. I really wish transguys would see being trans as a journey more than a struggle. Some people say things without thinking.

What you say is true. I have friends and family that didn't know about top surgery, so what they compared it to was a surgery for cancer. It is nothing like surgery for cancer, as I tried to explain. Though there is pain and discomfort, there is not really the fear and so on. I really wish guys wouldn't use this analogy as it is thoughtless (I mean without thought, not some other meaning). I can't say what I think guys should feel as there is a whole range fo things, and I think some guys do see this as more of a medical condition than a journey (say). I don't think there is anything wrong with the view of a medical condition, there are all ranges of medical conditions (actually of disabilities as well). I have Aspergers, but it isn't really comparable to someone with profound infantile autism.

--Jay

[Simon]

I think some guys do see this as more of a medical condition than a journey (say). I don't think there is anything wrong with the view of a medical condition, there are all ranges of medical conditions (actually of disabilities as well).

I think of being trans as a medical condition as I believe it is something I was born with. I didn't choose this, I just chose to do something about it. I meant journey more as in the processes we go through. I've seen so many transmen just get bitter over this process and just hate each aspect of it. I just think it's healthier in the long run to see all of this as a personal journey and learning process. It's not all sunshine and rainbows but each personal victory reached in this makes it all worth it.

[Lexicon]

As the parent of 3 boys (all my partners biologically) I get it.  As much as we'd all like to think those thoughts wouldn't cross our minds, they do.  I think it's pretty normal.  Now that the oldest is 12 and starting to conceive of himself as a man it's an odd thing to wrestle with the shadow of long buried thoughts of never being "a real man" when I'm raising three, very real men.  I'm a very real man myself.  But it sure does bring up all the stuff you haven't worked through. 

AND there is so much more to focus on as a parent.  At the end of the day when everyone is fed, the laundry is up around your ears, the garbage needs to go out, the dishes need to be done, homework is half finished, your  work is waiting in your laptop for you to think about when you get to "rest" the kids all want you to play with them, the animals need to be fed, the yard needs work, you need groceries, someone has practice for a sport, can't find their uniform, needs a random office supply for their project, someone hit someone, isn't being nice, won't share, can't find their favorite toy, won't go to sleep, doesn't want to take a bath, needs you to sign a permission slip or check their school project and you haven't even had time to think about the next holiday, birthday, or anniversary quickly approaching much less stopped to do anything other than fall down tired next to your partner at night... what you or they do or don't have on their body will be close to last to cross your mind. 

Worry about it now, work through it, get over it, resign yourself to the fact that it'll come up again and then catch up on sleep cause once the baby comes, that's the first thing to go

Best of Luck!

Lex

[Jack_M]

No reason to apologize before making a truthful statement. I understand because in the past I have seen guys call their chests 'tumors' before top surgery. As a cancer patient it drives me up the wall and is a gross overreaction. I really wish transguys would see being trans as a journey more than a struggle. Some people say things without thinking.

I wouldn't let that particular one get to you because medically speaking it's actually fair game to say tumour.  Tumour does not mean cancer, btw.  You can have tumours as in cysts or a mole.  I have a tumour on my gut; a mole!  It's non cancerous though so I just leave it be.  Tumours originally meant swelling, it's only as of late that it's become a synonym for neoplasms and only malignant neoplasms result in cancer.  So I understand why you dislike the use but when explaining my surgery in the future if people ask about the scars I'm going to simply state that I had non cancerous benign growths (tumours) removed.

As for the OP's post, you shouldn't have gone ahead with having a kid if you're thinking any of this!  This is way too late in the game to be questioning all this stuff.  To try and speed it up I'll simply state this:

In general it absolutely infuriates me when people wish for one particular sex of child because sex should NOT define the kid.  It doesn't even have to be as extreme as them being transgender but IMO children should be treated like children and play with children.  They shouldn't be boys and girls playing with boys and girls toys or segregated in play.  Children should be allowed to develop into the type of people they're meant to be and not put in a box purely because of their genitalia.  There are effeminate boys and there are tom boy girls, and of course there are transgender kids who should be allowed to experience who they are.

So why are you jealous of your kid without knowing who they are?  They themselves may grow to have dysphoria of their own.  Lots of boys can be dysphoric about not being particularly muscular.  Lots of boys suffer body image dysphoria.  You should be the one there to try and stop that from happening to them because you know full well what it's like to dislike your own body.  If you project your insecurities onto this child you are fueling that potential for them to hate their own bodies for whatever reason and that's not fair.

So it's time to grow up.  This is your kid.  Screw genetics!  My family are related to me on a genetic level and yet it is people who have no genetic tie to me that have proven to be better parental figures in my life.

[NathanielM]

I feel that there's a lot of people with kind of judging replies... The posts that looked most helpful to me are those that have children themselves and showed some understanding for the OP. I think it's good that you are dealing with these feelings now and you have the opportunity to work through these feelings now. In contextual therapy classes first thing you learn is that it's a myth that parents don't get feelings of jealousy or other negative feelings towards their children and even worse that if they do it makes them bad parents. It's only natural that these things sometimes happen, the real question is how they deal with it. And I believe that if you're aware of the problem and want to change things you're already well on your way to dealing with in in a good and healthy way especially if you talk to your partner and you guys support eachother in this. Good luck with your son, and probably soon you'll have other things to worry about (like diapers :p)

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

The op is having a perfectly natural response to the situation. It is very very possible to be jealous of ur kids,  but that's not a problem.  It's perfectly reasonable to love someone and really really wish you had been as lucky as they were. I have that too and yes, it stings bad sometimes. But then it does looking at most pretty girls at any stage who have what I didn't or dont have. What you going to do? Build a world without men/women in? Meh.  Life.