Because I need to rant

[Stella Lunaris]

First off, I'm sorry. There isn't really a question here, or a problem. This is literally just me ranting. I have another site for ranting, but there it always feels like screaming at an empty wall.

I feel like bad right now. It's Christmas, and I go nearly the whole day feeling really good about my body and appearance. My body looks fantastic in the mirror every time I walk past (I have a giant mirror in my bathroom.) and Christmas was wonderful.
Anyway, an hour or so ago I got to thinking that maybe it'd be a good idea to take some pictures right now, while I (think I) look good, so that in the future, when I think negative things about my body (I have no curves, my butt is flat and mannish, nonexistant breasts, big manlike shoulders, no waist, and mannish face are the usual things) I can look at those pictures and rest assured, because everything looks so fantastic. So I start taking pictures of myself and my body. I know that might sound kind of weird and creepy, taking photos of yourself to look at later, but I really just needed that reminded that hey, I don't actually look all that awful after all.

Then the pictures turn out horribly. It looks nothing like the mirror. Everything I hate about myself (Big manly shoulders, no waist, flat butt and boobs, no hips, mannish face) is there in those photos. At this point, I'm desperate. I take video just to make sure. It's the same on video. NOTHING like what I saw in the mirror. Ugly as all heck, mannish as all heck. I look like a man.

Obviously I'm not going to post those pictures, for once because I'm fairly sure it's against the terms of this forums, and two, because I deleted them, but here are some pictures I took of my face.


It just crushes me to know that what I saw in the mirror that day was the illusion and what I've seen in the mirror every other single day was the truth. I had been hoping that maybe the spell was finally broken and I could see myself how I actually was. Turns out that's what I was doing all along. Even my face, which I've actually been relatively fine with for weeks now...

Sigh. Back to square one I guess. I'm just so worried that nothing's going to change. There's no way I'm going to be able to get any type of plastic surgery (except my Trach shave and then somewhere down the line, my actual SRS.) and even if hormones are some miracle pill (which, let's all face it, they aren't) I'm not even sure when I'll be on them (the last people we went to refused to prescribe them unless I got less depressed, basically, and we're having difficulty finding anyone in our current area who can even prescribe and monitor the things. Pretty much every endocrinologist or trans-friendly doctor who could do it just isn't accepting any new patients.) and once I DO get on them, that's still months and years before any noticeable changes, and again, even then they're basically not going to do all that much.

What really saddens me is the revelation that I was so, so, so much happier before my transition started and I was still presenting as male, even after I came out. I think it's because it was one thing to be able to look in the mirror in "girl mode" and still see a guy, however discouraging that might be, it's another to look in the mirror when "girl mode" becomes your life, and realize that you're still at square one.

I've been on T-blockers for ages now, but T-blockers don't really do anything, and I have to be off them for three weeks leading up to my trach shave. My body odor came back, which also made me extremely dysphoric.

It's literally just never going to be okay. I'm never going to look feminine, female, or any of that, even if my face gets it okay sometimes, my body is always a dead giveaway.

Sorry for ranting.

[rinaballerina]

you look very feminine to me!
but yeah same thing happens to me as well.

I think its because of how the camera perceives light and how it kinda flatten things on screen especially without the right lighting. Looking in the mirror you can see the varieties of colors in your skin and in better depth. I have a mirror next to my comp and I look completely diff on my comp than in my little mirror.

I think you are being too hard on yourself and I think you are gorgeous!

[Stella Lunaris]

But the problem is that the mirror is really not what you look like, just kind of either what you think you look like or what you WANT to look like.

My face is crap, but if we're being honest, it's my body that makes me more dysphoric.


You can call my face out on being mannish, or whatever, just tell me the truth, that's really all I care about, as long as people aren't unnecessarily mean, but I didn't really post my pictures here for people to tell me whether I was looking good or not. Like I said, this was basically just me ranting at a wall but knowing people would actually listen here.

[Cindy]

I have never had a good picture of myself. I never see the woman I know I am in photographs. It used to drag on me and then found out that this is a universally common opinion.

Very few people like photos of themselves. It has nothing to do with being trans, it is because our perceptions are different of how others see us.

I'm still gorgeous, I just don't see it. You are very cute but you don't see it.


It is normal!!

[rinaballerina]

I agree! Cindy you are gorgeous, and so are you Stella Lunaris!

[Miyuki]

What you are saying right now reminds me so much of what I've been going through lately it's almost scary. I have been on low dose HRT now for two years, and I'm just now finally getting close to starting full dose. But right now I'm just full of doubt and I get horribly depressed when I think about it too much. It is so much harder to look at yourself in the mirror once your realize you need to be able to present as female to be happy, and see a boy looking back. I've found recently that when I wear feminine clothes and go out in public I'm actually capable of being borderline passable. That has made me feel better in a lot of ways, but it also makes me even more critical about things about myself that make me less passable. I start to obsess about them, and sometimes the only way I can make myself feel better is to talk myself into believing that even if HRT doesn't help, some day I'll be able to afford plastic surgery to fix them. It's really horrible to feel so powerless and out of control. All I can do is just keep trying to find ways to move forward even with my limited financial resources.

But you know, looking at your pictures, at least your face looks like a girls face to me. I know that may be hard for you to believe, but I am not just trying to be nice. If I were to see the pictures you posted without any context, I would read you as 100% female. Even if you don't like the way you look, you should let the way other people are seeing you count for something. In the end, if you can walk out the door and be perceived as female by the world, maybe what the mirror says isn't so important.

[lilacwoman]

your pix show a very nice girl.

The problem with self portraits is that the camera lens is too wide angle and makes everything look a bit plain and flat which is why professional photogs use long lenses and stand well back which makes their subjects look terrific.

get someone to take your pix from about 8-10 feet away and you'll look great.

[Thylacin]

But the problem is that the mirror is really not what you look like, just kind of either what you think you look like or what you WANT to look like.

My face is crap, but if we're being honest, it's my body that makes me more dysphoric.


You can call my face out on being mannish, or whatever, just tell me the truth, that's really all I care about, as long as people aren't unnecessarily mean, but I didn't really post my pictures here for people to tell me whether I was looking good or not. Like I said, this was basically just me ranting at a wall but knowing people would actually listen here.

Your face looks great. Actually, you look cute. Your face has a very feminine shape, and your hair is nice and thick, I'm jealous of it! You have nice eyebrows too. If I just saw you passing by, I wouldn't know you weren't a cis girl. I was actually surprised when you implied that you haven't begun HRT. Hormones aren't magic, but for you, you have a great starting place.


Mirrors show you a reflection, so the way you see yourself in a mirror is an inverted version of how everyone else sees you, and how camera images will turn out. This fact can sometimes make you look at a picture of yourself and since there are some subtle differences between how you always see yourself (in mirrors) and pictures, you will feel some cognitive dissonance about how you feel you look in pictures. Try reflecting the pictures vertically to see if you feel like you look more like how you look in the mirror.

Also, consider what kind (i.e. quality) of camera you're using. Is it a cellphone camera or a DSLR camera? How far away are you taking the picture from? If you're too close (within a few feet) there will definitely be some distortion (especially with small lensed camera, like ones on cell phones). consider lighting too. Sunlight vs soft white bulbs vs daylight bulbs can make a difference too.


There's nothing wrong or strange about taking pictures of yourself. I do it. I'm sure most people here have done it.

[Eva Marie]

I have had the same experience - It seems like I can't capture an image of the girl I see in the mirror in a picture. The pics I do get are 99.9999% horrible with that remaining .0001% being a good pic.

The pics you posted? I see a cute very femme girl in those pics.

[Nero]

You can call my face out on being mannish, or whatever, just tell me the truth, that's really all I care about, as long as people aren't unnecessarily mean, but I didn't really post my pictures here for people to tell me whether I was looking good or not. Like I said, this was basically just me ranting at a wall but knowing people would actually listen here.

Ok, being honest: I totally see a girl. The only thing that's not girlish is the trachea area or whatever you call it. But I probably wouldn't notice it so much normally.

And you have tiny shoulders. Seriously. You look like you have a small build and it's perfectly common for girls with slight builds to be small and not curvy. Not every girl has big boobs and booty. You may wish you did, but I doubt your body's manly.

[Ashey]

I like your face Stella. I think you look both good and passable.

[stephaniec]

Hey girl, mirrors are quite deceiving. The bending of light can be quite deceptive

[Stella Lunaris]

Hey girl, mirrors are quite deceiving. The bending of light can be quite deceptive

Exactly what I was ranting about.

[nonameyet]

hahaha. ok. dont be offended. i had to finish reading your post and read a few others before i replied to be sure that the pictures were you. because based on what you said they couldnt be. not only are you passing id never guess.when you described  yourself i thought of myself.

i know how you feel. mirrors are incredibly deceptive. but i really dont think you have anything to worry about.

your hair also definitely compliments your face.

i have to get mine cut just as it gets to a nice length for employment.

dont fret, lady. youve nothing to worry about.

[Thylacin]

Exactly what I was ranting about.

I don't know how much better you look to yourself in a mirror though, because seriously, you look great in those pictures.
I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.