I don't know what to do with my life

[Samuel]

I am a 38 year old single parent, with two young kids. I am in a field with neither good pay nor good insurance. I don't have much in the way of irl support, and am trying to build our community but it takes time. I think that I have finally figured out the missing puzzle pieces to the wtf parts of my life - I am transgender.

The biggest problem I can see is that I don't know if I will be able to afford everything that it would take to be able to pass. I don't know if it would be in any way advantageous to start any kind of process now and not be able to keep going. I think it would just make things awkward for myself and my kids, and be as frustrating as doing nothing except staying status quo.

But... I don't know. I don't want to die with a life unlived. The more I think about things, the more I realize this really is who I am. I am not female. I don't like what I look like, and how things on me work. I don't like how it feels to look in the mirror and see what I don't want.

I see so many young people here and I am so happy for those of you who are young and able to transition with most of your lives ahead of you.

Does anyone else here have kids, or maybe isn't so young, and has to look at all of the implications and hard issues from the middle aged side of things?

How hard is this going to be on my kids socially? Should I really make plans to move to a more welcoming community? Should I try to somehow transition before that so it can be a clean new start? So many things. I feel like it's killing me. Can I unlearn all of the mannerisms that I have picked up and unconsciously used for years? My body...ugh. I haven't really taken good care of it and am pretty heavy. I just never cared much. Being a hot girl never mattered two whits to me. Then suddenly, when I actually snapped that looking like a hot (middle aged) guy was a possibility, well suddenly I found my Give A Damn, and have lost 20 lbs so far, 100 to go to get to the point where my compression shirt may actually make a difference.

I have an appt with a gender therapist next Friday, one of the few things my insurance will cover.

Hoping to hear any and all btdt from anyone on either side of this coin.

[Jessica Merriman]

I started as a MtF at 47 years old. I have found it easy to pass because I am a female in my heart and soul and that gives me natural confidence. Confidence believe it or not, is 80% of passing. My family and friends have for the most part accepted me. It wasn't easy for them, but when they saw I was happy for the first time in my life, the light clicked on for them. One of my kids (15) has totally accepted me and even called me pretty the other day. My other child (16) is slowly getting there the more information she reads about Dysphoria. I still live in a VERY small community (2,500) and I have had no problems with anyone here. They see the changes in me and know I am happy now. Granted, some of them only begrudgingly accept me, but that is acceptance as well. When it came to live or die that made it clear. Live the rest of my life on my terms. You can do this! I don't intend to suggest it won't be awkward for a while, it is, but you will be amazed how fast you pick things up. Good luck!

[kelly_aus]

I'm 38.. I started my transition around my 35th birthday.

Has it been worth it? For sure. Has it been problem free? No. But even with the problems, it's been worthwhile.

I see your concern about needing 'everything needed to pass' and I understand it, I felt the same way before I started my journey. What I've found as I go along is that many of the things I thought I'd need to pass, I don't.. As Jessica said confidence is a big, big part of passing. So is complete self acceptance.

[Samuel]

This is really helpful. Today is one of those days that tears keep trying to leak out because it all seems so impossible.

[Nero]

Hi Sam. We have plenty here transitioning around your age (and beyond) with kids. We have other guys transitioning as single parents as well - younger and older. I know nearly all of us wish we had transitioned sooner (no matter our age), but I really believe we all transition at just the right time for us.

How hard is this going to be on my kids socially? Should I really make plans to move to a more welcoming community? Should I try to somehow transition before that so it can be a clean new start? So many things. I feel like it's killing me.

That's a lot to think about. How old are your kids if I may ask?

Can I unlearn all of the mannerisms that I have picked up and unconsciously used for years?

I'm not sure this is as crucial as it may seem. I didn't put any effort into this and I get by fine. People see what they want to see - a presumably straight cis guy. Some stuff you'll just pick up on immediately once you start passing. You just get a sense of what's acceptable and what's not once you're seen as a normal guy. There may be some things you want to work on just for yourself though.

Being a hot girl never mattered two whits to me. Then suddenly, when I actually snapped that looking like a hot (middle aged) guy was a possibility, well suddenly I found my Give A Damn, and have lost 20 lbs so far, 100 to go to get to the point where my compression shirt may actually make a difference.

I'm the opposite. I could only handle being female if I was decent looking lol. As a guy, I don't care. 

[Jessica Merriman]

This is really helpful. Today is one of those days that tears keep trying to leak out because it all seems so impossible.

Look at my avatar. Can you believe she was once a 28 year career Paramedic/Firefighter one of the most Alpha Dog jobs on the planet? It IS possible!

[warlockmaker]

For some to transition at an older age is ideal. We can fufill the need to have children, more financially secure and we have more life experience to make the right decision. We have drawbacks if we are more alpha males and so many of us are just that. Some like Jessica transition easy I know that trsnsitioning for me will be more difficult but I envision being not too feminine as a female. I'm a really good looking male and as I change physically on HRT I can see that I will be an atractive female - this was very important for me. I face the problem of letting my 12 year old daughter know but I have been assured by therapist that she will be accepting and I hope so. I would not worry - if its right it will be a wonderful change. LOL

[Samuel]

My kids are 4 & 6. Almost 5 & 7.

[Cindy]

Usually the younger the children the more accepting they are.

I could never transition, I would lose my job, which I need to keep my disabled wife alive. I would lose respect in a cutting edge field where power is everything.
I'd lose my home, I'd lose everything. I'm ugly, I wouldn't pass.
I'm so shy I always hide, I can't relate to people.

I went FT three years ago.

I have gained my life, my respect, my colleagues admire and support me. I have friends - never had them before. I leap out of bed each morning to face a new day with fun and excitement.

I'm so shy I drive a sports car with custom number plates, yep that is me!

I'm attractive, I have a boyfriend. I'm HAPPY.

I went FT when I was 58.

I rock and I have an ego bigger than Ben Hur. I exude confidence.

I am proud of me. Finally, finally I look in the mirror and I don't cry.

The alternative? I'd still living in a whiskey bottle, swallowing antidepressants with the mirrors covered and waiting to die.

Choose life. It is rather good!!

Yes there were tough times. Yes I cried. But I'm alive in every fibre of my body.

[warlockmaker]

Hi Samuel, its a real minefield of emotions and legal issues as we evolve - take one step at a time and it will all be fine. You have young children but I did not notice you mention a wife or are you a single dad. If you are married then it is unlikly that a judge will award you custody even with a social workers and therapist report - its hard but please face this possibility. If not then with some guidence from a therapist the children will accept. I choose to move away from my city  when I transition but that is only because my family and I are big names here and its a very conservative society and I dont want to force my change upon so many friends and family. Take it slowly and don't be overwhealmed - so many here can help you - I know as I have been helped on so many occassions.

[Samuel]

They are my birth children. My ex (ftm) and I conceived them with a donor. Unfortunately he was very very abusive, and the kids and I left him two years ago. I am their sole parent.

I thought myself lesbian from the age of 18, but always hated the term. I never wanted to be wanted by a woman who wanted to be with women. Always had some sense of dysphoria. I thought maybe I was repressing memories of abuse, at least that was my theory as a teenager. Now, as an adult, I realize my body was never what I wanted, never was comfortable in it. Always shamed by the parts that were so obviously female. Doctors visits were spectacularly traumatic and always involved much crying and panic attacks. I have never understood women's fashion, never cared for it. I tried to wear it for such a long time, and finally gave up and over the last couple of months have given it all away. And I feel so much better every time I give away a bag.

So much to try to figure out.

My mind plays tricks on itself, that I don't know what I am talking about. That I ... Just have all these other problems. That all the things that are wrong aren't THIS. I don't know why I must fight with myself to no end.

Sigh.

[Michelle123]

Women have always been allowed a lot more freedom in how they dress.  If you don't pass, you'll will just look like a butch lesbian, no big deal.  The line between that and passing is very thin.  Eventually you will can cross it very seamlessly, I would think. 

I decided to slowly go in the direction of transitioning and see how it goes.  That might be a path you want to consider.  It's a bit harder for me as an effeminate guy(or worse, a guy in a dress) has a much lower perception than a butch lesbian in most peoples minds.  Then at some point, make the finale leap.