Fear

[Ryan1995]

Over the past few days I've been thinking about some of the factors that have prevented me from transitioning. Running into bad therapists is one factor, but another factor is fear. I've noticed that I let fear control my life. When I have discussions with my parents I beat around the bush and I don't really tell them exactly how I feel because I'm afraid of how they are going to react. They think I read something on the internet that made me feel like I'm transgender. It's frustrating. For some odd reason when I ask my mom a question, she sometimes responds "yes, ma'am." She just started doing that. It's like a slap in the face to me. I'm not a girl. I come from a homophobic and transphobic family. My parents have changed the way they are toward gay people, but my older sister is still homophobic and transphobic. I've heard her say derogatory and offensive remarks. I've heard her say ->-bleeped-<-. I remember a time when she was watching tv and she saw someone who she perceived to be gay. She just outright called the person a ->-bleeped-<-got. What really disturbed me was the hatred in her voice. That's why I feel uncomfortable around my family. I feel like the black sheep in my family. I want to come out to my family. Recently, I realized I never did come out to my family. When I was in the ninth grade I got in trouble at school. And when my dad and I were talking somehow the subject of me feeling like a boy came up. He asked me if I felt like a boy and I said yes. He responded that I pretend to be a boy which really hurt. And from there my parents and I have just had discussions about me feeling like a boy. But I never told them that I know for sure who I am and this is not a phase. I never told them that I am a boy. I just don't feel like one. I am one. The reason for that is because of fear. I want to know how some of you were able to overcome any fear related to transitioning and coming out to your family.

[LordKAT]

I don't think transitioning was scary for me, it was more welcoming. Fear of parents I never overcame, I grew up, left home, grew old. Their opinions no longer mattered. I still never told them, the newspaper did that for me, that and my sisters. Life wasn't kind for me back then and growing away was the only way.

For you, it would be helpful if you had an ally in your corner as without at least one, life can turn hellish quickly. Talk to a school counselor or a therapist before talking to your parents. Prepare information resources for them, a few websites and a book or pamphlet for them to read and ponder. Be prepared to answer questions and remain calm no matter what the reaction.

[stephaniec]

I don't think transitioning was scary for me, it was more welcoming. Fear of parents I never overcame, I grew up, left home, grew old. Their opinions no longer mattered. I still never told them, the newspaper did that for me, that and my sisters. Life wasn't kind for me back then and growing away was the only way.

For you, it would be helpful if you had an ally in your corner as without at least one, life can turn hellish quickly. Talk to a school counselor or a therapist before talking to your parents. Prepare information resources for them, a few websites and a book or pamphlet for them to read and ponder. Be prepared to answer questions and remain calm no matter what the reaction.

totally agree. I also transitioned later in life and peoples opinion of me doesn't matter to me. My parents have passed and I don't have a relation with my siblings. A therapist brought me to the point of facing the reality of being transgender. Your parents sound a lot like my older sister and her husband. I hope you don't mind me saying this ,but my sister is a bigot and her husband is worse.

[Contravene]

It seems like you're in a position similiar to the one I was in about a year ago so maybe my advice will help a little. It may not be what you want to read but if you're still living with them, I don't think it would be wise to come out to them right now.

For the most part, my family members are homophobic and transphobic bigots. In the past few years though my parents seemed to become much more tolerant towards homosexuality and transexuality so when my mother kept prying and questioning whether or not I was gay I gave in and told her that I wasn't gay but transgender, thinking that it would be safe to confide in her. I'd had discussions with her in the past about how I wished I had been born male and how I couldn't stand any aspect of being female. She was the one person in my family who always seemed to understand so I thought I could at least rely on her to understand that I was transgender.

Well, to make a long story short, I was very wrong. I can't say things have gotten too much worse since I've always been the black sheep in my family too and the scapegoat for all of their problems but there's a serious feeling of hostility they have towards me now that wasn't there before I came out to them and they're quicker to act on their abuse than before. My mother also thinks that I read something online that caused me to become brainwashed into thinking I'm transgender and my father has literally said that "being brainwashed into thinking your transgender is a communist conspiracy the government is using to control weak minded idiots like you."

Don't make the same mistake I did by coming out to your family too soon. You might be ready to come out to them but that doesn't mean they're ready for it. My suggestion is to wait until you have the upperhand; make sure you have plenty of people who can support you in case your family won't and be in a position where you can just safely walk away from them and give them time to calm down if they react badly. It also would be best to be financially independent if you aren't already.

If they've been homophobic and transphobic in the past then it's likely that their acceptance only extends as far as the attitude of "It's okay for people to be transgender as long as it's not my child who is".

[Simon]

Looks like we're all from the same flock, lol. I'm the black sheep of my family as well. Like others who have commented, I waited to leave home before I came out or started transition. I was barely 18 and didn't care where I went as long as I was safe and could get away from 'those people'.

Sometimes people do change their perceptions as time goes on. Sometimes they don't. I mean in my case I am unmistakably male now yet my sister (whom I see maybe every other year) won't use pronouns with me or say my name (she calls me her sibling to others...to my face I am 'hey you') that I had changed almost 12 years ago. She is petty, some people will be petty. Guess what though? This is your life to live. You have to look in the mirror every day. Don't spend your life in misery in an attempt to appease everyone else.

What would I do if I were in your situation? If I lived at home I would play their game. I'd keep my mouth shut, get as good of an education as I could, get a job, spend as little time at home as I could, and plan on getting out. I know you want their acceptance but if it isn't there then I wouldn't push it to the point where they made your life at home a living hell.

Just hang in there. At times it may seem impossible but you will get to where you need to be. For those of us who don't have family acceptance it does take a lot longer. However, when you achieve your goals it's just that much sweeter.

[BeefxCake]

The first few friends i came out to, i was 100% sure they would be fine with my being trans. It built me a supportive sort of network. And because of that two of my friends have offered if i ever need someplace to stay because i got kicked out i could go to them.

Now i have it easy my whole family is fine with my being trans. They know i want to transition and only my mom has been skeptical.

Shell say things like we have 3 girls and 2 boys and one undecided. I know she means to be funny but i am decided thank you.

But so far i havent had bad reactions so i cant compare to your situation. Try and find some support to come out to. And they'll have your back if things go sour at home.

[overdrive]

If you're an adult, just start your transition. Its early on and you don't know where it'll take you yet. You may choose top and bottom surgery you may choose hysto and nothing else, you may choose non-op and just HRT its so early right now things could change. For me anyways, I've always dressed in mens clothing (this is a benefit FTM have over MTF IMHO) and nobody thought twice about the way I dressed, I just gradully start changing and when someone makes a comment about my look, etc I take it in stride and let them accept each piece as they see it. You can even do a hysto without telling your family by saying you don't want to have biological children. I guess I've always been a lone person so I prefer dealing with certain things on my own. If you are looking for your families support on each step, what I suggested probably won't work for you but in my case this is what I preferred anyways.

[Nikotinic]

regarding parents - The first thing you have to do is to make sure that you are safe. I know that transition is important but your personal safety is important too.

You know your family the best so you'll probably have an idea how they will react. If you think that telling them you want to transition or starting it on your own would lead to abuse, violence or being kicked out (I'm assuming you live at home though it isn't clear from your post) then it's probably best for you to stick with the status quo until you can get in a situation where you are less dependant on them.

That said, it sounds like you've already been discussing this with them. Even if you haven't made it clear how strong your feelings are, it's probably not going to be a huge surprise to them.

I also totally agree with what BeefxCake said about coming out to a few friends you know will be supportive first so that you have a support structure and people to talk to or rely on if it all goes wrong. This was the first thing that I did too.