Major depression - thinking of stopping HRT

[Antonia J]

I am having a major depression episode that won't let loose of my mind. I see my therapist on Thursday. I am thinking of stopping my HRT, though. As much as I feel good about all of the changes physically over the last 4 months, I don't think I am strong enough emotionally to do this. I've been thinking about suicide off and on for the last couple of weeks, and I am falling to pieces with the losses from my transition. I may start again in the future, but I need to build myself up mentally before I do this again. What happens if I just stop my HRT cold? Will there be bad side effects?  What are they?

[mountainhun]

I'm not sure if this is something a newbie into the community like myself should be handling.  I haven't even been on HRT yet, so I can't answer those questions.
But I just want to remind you that I have seen a number of your posts on these forums, just speckled around helter skelter, and I found them sympathetic, helpful, and encouraging.  Whatever you choose to do with HRT, you should remember that you are a valuable member of humanity, that you can make a difference.  You might want to consider if you would have been that person if you hadn't started transitioning, but your gender really isn't the primary indicator of who you really are- it might help you express it better, but all that good soul is right there.
So just keep in mind that even I can observe that you have great emotional qualities, and take a blunt appraisal for what it's worth.

[Tori]

I am having a major depression episode that won't let loose of my mind. I see my therapist on Thursday. I am thinking of stopping my HRT, though. As much as I feel good about all of the changes physically over the last 4 months, I don't think I am strong enough emotionally to do this. I've been thinking about suicide off and on for the last couple of weeks, and I am falling to pieces with the losses from my transition. I may start again in the future, but I need to build myself up mentally before I do this again. What happens if I just stop my HRT cold? Will there be bad side effects?  What are they?

I am so sorry to hear about your depression. I know how it is first hand. Be strong. Call a hotline or 911 if you must. I have faith you will make it to Thursday.

From what I hear you can expect some headaches and emotional volitility, perhaps lactation.

Check in with yourself. The holidays can be a depressing time, so can winter. Also the 4-6 month point seems difficult for many on HRT. The emotional afterglow fades and the changes are often minor.   

My psychologist and I were talking about this today. He said it is common for people to get depressed after a big step in life. You feel happy and when the happiness fades you feel depressed, but often it is not the same kind of depression as it was before you found happiness.

Good luck Antonia. I love your posts. We are here for you.

[Jessica Merriman]

I was forced to stop HRT after a little over three month on it. I can tell you from personal experience that I would not do it. I was happy and then a few days after stopping, WHAM, depression the size of the Chrysler building. I hope to be back on HRT soon and get back to normal. If you can, talk it over with both your therapist and Endo before stopping. If you still want to they can titrate the dose so you stop a little easier. Only my opinion though. As the others said, call a hotline if you need to, please! 

[Jamie Marie]

Antonia,

Please don't stop the feelings will pass. The holiday's are my most depressing time of the year as they are for many but I've also had decades of bad experiences to compound those feelings. I ran out of E for two days and felt terrible so I can't imagine what it would be like to totally stop. I believe that it would be way better to talk to your doctor or therapist if you really want to do that and they can lower the dosage gradually because cold turkey is a big shock on your hormone levels and can cause more emotional despair.

I'll tell you what. I don't live that far away, near Lansing actually and have every weekend off. I would love to meet you in person and we can spend as much time together as you'd like. If that sounds good to you send me an IM. Anything that I can do to help or even if it's just to talk.

We all have things that we need to get out even if we don't know how or why. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we talk, and sometimes we hug and cry.

Hugs,
Jamie

[Emo]

dont stop hrt because of your losses. you will lose all of your emotional progress and ive been doing that the past several months.
if you feel the hormones ae the cause, ask your therapist and doctor for help in monitoring this depression. if your feeling suicidal, call a friend, the hotline, or pm someone here but do not keep it on th inside or you will get deeper.
we are here for you and we will do everything e can to help.
ill give you my facebook or my number if it will help but dont lose hope. the hope and love is always there. take hold of it and dont let go!

[nonameyet]

to those of you essentially begging her not to quit hrt. please. STOP!!

the question was regarding side effects of stopping hrt not whether she should. thats her choice. and asking her to let you make it, sure isnt helpful.

other than that i really have to second mountainhun on this one.

your ridiculous defiant bird avatar is one that when im scrolling down a topic lazily i actually stop to see what was written. so.

i cant speak to whether you should stop hrt. but i also havent been through it. ive been through depression. i get that.

ultimately i know that when i do go through hrt. the results wont be worth my life by a long shot. especially if i could pick it up later and have a better shot at emotional success.

[nonameyet]

i forgot though. i would also like to second everyone who said talk to your therapist about it. you seem (based on that one sentence in which you mentioned her/him) to trust your therapist and she/he will have a much better answer than we would. especially regarding hormones. seems like a field that a therapist would know.
surround yourself with supportive people and youll have a hard time feeling alone. hang in there. take a look at the stars. its quite powerful in a positive way. especially when depressed (i think. hence my signature)

[Antonia J]

Thank you for your honesty and thoughts everyone. I really appreciate them. I was worried about posting such a raw message, but my tank is on empty and my sisters at Susan's are the only ones who really can understand the difficulty of transition.

Why am I thinking of stopping? My head is an emotional wreck right now as I am working through a personal loss. The loss predates my transition and HRT, and I didn't fully appreciate how screwed up I am over it. It is coloring everything I look at and experience. Some mornings, like yesterday, I wake up sobbing uncontrollably. It takes me to a really bad place, even though I am doing things like exercising, eating right, and spending time with anyone who will be so kind as to let me join them (and I am lucky to have a few good friends).  It just seems a mountain I can't conquer for whatever reason.

And because my head is anchored in the past, it is really difficult for me to move forward with transition. I love the physical changes, and the aspects of social transition, but it is also emotionally taxing and some days are just plain hard. I am 4 months on HRT, getting defined breasts and my facial features are changing, but I don't pass at all. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but sometimes it really does, and sometimes it opens a Pandora's Box of suicidal thoughts. I rarely had these even in my most dysphoric moments prior to transition, but the personal loss I mentioned is giving me a jaded perspective on everything, it seems.

That is why I am thinking of putting my transition on hold. I feel like I need to get my head straight. I am 100% transgender, and identify female, but transition requires a strength that I am not sure I possess right now. That is sad, but also the truth. I will definitely discuss it with my therapist before stopping cold.

Toni

[Joanna Dark]

you've only been on them a short time you could prolly stop cold with no side effects. If ur going to see anyone, see ur endo. I don't see what ur therapist is going to do other then tell you to keep going when you clearly want to stop. There's nothing wrong with stopping. I bet a large percent on these boards will stop before the one year mark. It's just the way it is. And that's okay. This isn't for everyone. Not everyone needs to medically transition and thus be a transsexual.

[stephaniec]

I don't know the effects of stopping HRT. I just want to tell you my story of suicide. I lost my job of 20 years ,before even thinking or knowing of my self as transgender. I was in bad shape did not have a future and no one in my life. I saw nothing in front of me, I sat in a coffee house dreading night time because I was afraid of what I might do because I had lost all hope .I've never been in such a deep depression before and believe me my whole life I dealt with depression because of my dysphoria. I didn't know I had dysphoria. One night I knew I shouldn't go home . I called an ambulance Went to the hospital and the process to heal started . I'm a happy little camper, alone ,but happy. If it's gets bad get your ass to  hospital.

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Toni,
I understand very well where you are coming from, where the feeling of loss you have mentioned so many times dominates all of your thinking. More than your gender identity, this is probably the subject you need to work on most right now when you see your therapist.

Also, as someone who has shed bucket fulls of tears over the last few years, it is not something to worry about too much. Apart from your very understandable grief, you are allowing so many things you had repressed for so long come to the surface that it is perfectly comprehensible that you feel overwhelmed at times, especially this time of the year as it happens. To some extent it is even healthy and normal as it shows that you are no longer keeping it all locked up.

However, you also do indeed need to pay attention to how much you can handle at the same time and if you think it would be better to put transition on hold for now, or even for good, that is nothing to feel bad about. On the contrary, it shows you are in touch with yourself and capable of standing back from things, a very healthy survival skill.

On a very practical level, I stopped and restarted HRT at least twice between Sept 2008 and Sept 2010, each time after 4 to 6 months (I don't quite remember) and it was no problem at all. The limited breast growth I had during that period went into reverse and I can't remember experiencing any particularly difficult withdrawal symptoms.
Warmest best wishes.
Donna

[Jayne]

Only you can know which path is right for you to take.

I'll stick to your question about stopping HRT, i've been on E for about 4 months now & was told right from the beggining that I can stop anytime before the 6 months mark without a problem, up until 6 months any changes should naturaly reverse.
If you are seriously thinking of stopping until your life is more stable then i'd go for the same rule of thumb I use for any medication, check with a proffessional. I often double check things with the head pharmacist, they are a fountain of knowledge & if they don't know they will not hesitate to direct you to your GP.

[Ltl89]

Thank you for your honesty and thoughts everyone. I really appreciate them. I was worried about posting such a raw message, but my tank is on empty and my sisters at Susan's are the only ones who really can understand the difficulty of transition.

Why am I thinking of stopping? My head is an emotional wreck right now as I am working through a personal loss. The loss predates my transition and HRT, and I didn't fully appreciate how screwed up I am over it. It is coloring everything I look at and experience. Some mornings, like yesterday, I wake up sobbing uncontrollably. It takes me to a really bad place, even though I am doing things like exercising, eating right, and spending time with anyone who will be so kind as to let me join them (and I am lucky to have a few good friends).  It just seems a mountain I can't conquer for whatever reason.

And because my head is anchored in the past, it is really difficult for me to move forward with transition. I love the physical changes, and the aspects of social transition, but it is also emotionally taxing and some days are just plain hard. I am 4 months on HRT, getting defined breasts and my facial features are changing, but I don't pass at all. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but sometimes it really does, and sometimes it opens a Pandora's Box of suicidal thoughts. I rarely had these even in my most dysphoric moments prior to transition, but the personal loss I mentioned is giving me a jaded perspective on everything, it seems.

That is why I am thinking of putting my transition on hold. I feel like I need to get my head straight. I am 100% transgender, and identify female, but transition requires a strength that I am not sure I possess right now. That is sad, but also the truth. I will definitely discuss it with my therapist before stopping cold.

Toni

I would suggest talking things over with your therapist.  This isn't the right path for everyone, but you need to be sure it's proper to stop as well.  Having depression, anxiety, fears are all common during this phase.  The question you need to ask is why you are feeling this and what it may mean for you.  Just be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can handle.  There is no shame with being trans and transitioning nor is there any shame in not transitioning.  Find what's right for you.  I'll just say that it's best to talk these things over.  This isn't an easy thing to do, so it's not uncommon for there to be hardships and fears even if it is the right path.  The question really is why are you having hardships and fears and whether there is a way for you to overcome them.  Only you can know the answer to this as it differs for all of us.  Good luck and I hope you find the answer.   

[Jamie D]

I am having a major depression episode that won't let loose of my mind. I see my therapist on Thursday. I am thinking of stopping my HRT, though. As much as I feel good about all of the changes physically over the last 4 months, I don't think I am strong enough emotionally to do this. I've been thinking about suicide off and on for the last couple of weeks, and I am falling to pieces with the losses from my transition. I may start again in the future, but I need to build myself up mentally before I do this again. What happens if I just stop my HRT cold? Will there be bad side effects?  What are they?

Depression is rarely a side effect of the HRT; but often a side effect of the stresses we have on ourselves.  Talk with your therapist before you do anything rash.

[Anna++]

I would definitely suggest talking to your therapist and endo first.  Stopping HRT cold turkey, even if you are only on a low dose, could be dangerous and you want to make sure that you do so safely.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing!

[JordanBlue]

I don't how much about HRT because I haven't started yet. I start next Monday.  But I do know about deep severe depression.  I know how I felt in 1996 after the end of a 20 year marriage.  Coupling that kind of depression along with gender dysphoria is unthinkable.  I've been at death's door several times in my life.  The most recent was 11-28.  I got myself booked to see a gender therapist instead of ending my life.  That was the best decision I ever made.
I know it may not seem like it now, but there is an end to the depression.  There's no shame in admitting that you need help.  Suicide is not the answer. 

[Rachel]

It is always good advise to consult your Doctor (endo) when starting, changing or stopping a script. You should disclose to the doctor the depression you are feeling and any reasons you have to help the Doctor help you with your needs. There very well could be need for medical intervention whether you remain, alter or stop HRT.

Your therapist is a fantastic resource to work with to help sort out your depression underlying causes and help you work through the issues.

Transition does not have to include HRT. You can proceed working out your identity, past trauma and current issues with your therapist. If you decide to stop HRT please consider continuing counseling.  Perhaps consider group therapy. People under estimate the power of community and sharing with similar type persons in person.

You have gone through a lot and addressing the trauma is hard work and it takes a toll. The goal is to keep mentally and physically healthy. You are a good person dealing with major life issues.

I will be sending positive thoughts your way. PM me if you want. Hugs.

[Ms Grace]

Toni, I can't add much to what everyone has already said. But I do totally understand, I've been there myself. It's very difficult trying to deal with the pressures of transition when you are also deeply depressed.

Twenty two years ago, after 26 months on HRT I was spiralling into a depression that seemed to have no bottom and no solution. I decided to stop transition, my attitude was that it was "obviously never going to work so why bother?" In retrospect I did what I believed I needed to do, but I didn't do it very well - going cold turkey on HRT and cutting off contact with my shrink and endo. The side effects of coming off the HRT weren't pleasant but it did take about six months for the first signs of remasculinisation to appear and another year before they had kicked in. By then I had found something else to fill the void of depression and my gender issues. As you can see, I'm back for another go. Sure the void was filled, quite well for a while, but it never fully went away. But I do feel better suited and situated to deal with transition now.

Anyway, enough about me, I guess what I'm trying to say is do what you need to do, but make sure you manage stopping your HRT properly with your endo and please get support and solutions for your depression.

Hugs, Grace

[Antonia J]

I bet a large percent on these boards will stop before the one year mark. It's just the way it is. And that's okay. This isn't for everyone. Not everyone needs to medically transition and thus be a transsexual.

That's kind of what I am working through. I feel good physically with the changes HRT have brought, but I am entering that middle stage where changes are making things difficult. And I think it would be easier not to deal with them right now, but I can't go back to before...so wondering if there is some non-medical transition that helps me out to express myself while I deal with the other baggage. Your reference to medical transition actually was a good focus point for me, as I had not quite thought of it in those terms - thank you - but it is a very relevant distinction. I can be trans, and not medically transition. My focus has been all on the one path to this point.

...I was in bad shape did not have a future and no one in my life. I saw nothing in front of me, I sat in a coffee house dreading night time because I was afraid of what I might do because I had lost all hope ....

I had one of those spells about 2 1/2 weeks ago that lasted four days and resulted in me making a crisis call to my therapist. We spoke on the phone for 45 minutes while she talked me of a ledge. I recognize the signs, and haven't tried anything, but the thoughts come back to me every so often...more frequently recently than I like to admit.

I understand very well where you are coming from, where the feeling of loss you have mentioned so many times dominates all of your thinking. More than your gender identity, this is probably the subject you need to work on most right now when you see your therapist.
....
On a very practical level, I stopped and restarted HRT at least twice between Sept 2008 and Sept 2010, each time after 4 to 6 months (I don't quite remember) and it was no problem at all. The limited breast growth I had during that period went into reverse and I can't remember experiencing any particularly difficult withdrawal symptoms.

Thanks Donna - you are a dear. I think you are right in your observations, and I have arrived at a similar conclusion. Going back to our PMs from earlier in the week, I need to be sure before I get too far down my gender alignment path that I don't put other aspects of my life at risk. Right now, there is an imbalance I need to address. 

When you stopped your HRT, did you go off cold, or did you step down under the guidance of a physician? For what it is worth, unless my therapist can help me understand why I should continue my transition, I plan to call my endo on Friday. Just curious of your process with stopping HRT.

The question you need to ask is why you are feeling this and what it may mean for you.  Just be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can handle.  There is no shame with being trans and transitioning nor is there any shame in not transitioning.  Find what's right for you.

Thank you, LtL. You know, the fear I have is that I cannot go forward until I get my head in a better place, but going back is impossible now that I have taken a bite from Eden's proverbial apple. I feel like I am in some Shakespearean comedy. I see so many people on here who struggle, but push on through their challenges, and I wonder sometimes what is wrong with me that I am so anchored to the past? 

I would definitely suggest talking to your therapist and endo first.  Stopping HRT cold turkey, even if you are only on a low dose, could be dangerous and you want to make sure that you do so safely.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing!

Agreed - no rash steps. Also...can I just add that your transition has been amazing?

...I know it may not seem like it now, but there is an end to the depression.  There's no shame in admitting that you need help.  Suicide is not the answer. 

Intellectually I know that, but my heart is wavering. I have been doing everything I can to conquer the depression and make it go away. Yet, it still lingers, and that is what sucks. I have been dealing with this since March, and I am tired of being sad and crying all of the time...or worse, not being able to focus or enjoy really good things going on in my life. I just want the pain to end. You get tired of feeling sad and lonely.

I haven't given up, yet, but I am getting worn down :/

It is always good advise to consult your Doctor (endo) when starting, changing or stopping a script. You should disclose to the doctor the depression you are feeling and any reasons you have to help the Doctor help you with your needs. There very well could be need for medical intervention whether you remain, alter or stop HRT.

Your therapist is a fantastic resource to work with to help sort out your depression underlying causes and help you work through the issues.

Transition does not have to include HRT. You can proceed working out your identity, past trauma and current issues with your therapist. If you decide to stop HRT please consider continuing counseling.  Perhaps consider group therapy. People under estimate the power of community and sharing with similar type persons in person.

You have gone through a lot and addressing the trauma is hard work and it takes a toll. The goal is to keep mentally and physically healthy. You are a good person dealing with major life issues.

I will be sending positive thoughts your way. PM me if you want. Hugs.

I appreciate your thoughts, and also have been following your progress. You have been inspiring as I know you are dealing with some difficult issues at work and with your spouse. I appreciate the sharing, as it helps me understand that others are working through tough issues and going on.

Twenty two years ago, after 26 months on HRT I was spiralling into a depression that seemed to have no bottom and no solution. I decided to stop transition, my attitude was that it was "obviously never going to work so why bother?"

In retrospect I did what I believed I needed to do, but I didn't do it very well - going cold turkey on HRT and cutting off contact with my shrink and endo. The side effects of coming off the HRT weren't pleasant but it did take about six months for the first signs of remasculinisation to appear and another year before they had kicked in. By then I had found something else to fill the void of depression and my gender issues. As you can see, I'm back for another go. Sure the void was filled, quite well for a while, but it never fully went away. But I do feel better suited and situated to deal with transition now.

Thanks Grace. First, you don't look old enough to have been on HRT 22 yrs ago, unless you started when you were 8 yrs old    The rest of your message really resonates with me.  The spiraling depression with no bottom, "never going to work out so why bother", and filling the void with distractions...it's like you read my mind. I am very cognizant that my feelings are similar to the occasional purges of clothes or trans-related information many of us do before coming to terms with ourselves, but I am afraid that I am not suited to dealing with the changes that are starting to happen (as much as I feel good about them) and subsequent social consequences.  What changed for you that made it right the second go around?

Thanks again for the support and feedback. Everyone should know you have helped me organize thoughts for my therapist session tomorrow. Thanks for pulling me back from the ledge.

Toni