Visibility

[ThePhoenix]

After a year and a half of unemployment due to being trans*, it is looking like I may finally find work again soon!  Yay!  But this creates certain problems as well.  The one I'd like to talk about has to do with visibility.

I always wanted to be largely stealth.  I share the belief that true deep stealth is impractical.  But I also believe that stealthiness is not an all or nothing, black or white concept.  There are degrees.  I do not enjoy attention or the spotlight.  So my preference has always been to have only the people close to me know about my trans* history.  But job loss meant gradually losing most of the things I used to do in my life. 

Those who have read my intro thread will know that I do quite a lot of work with the local trans* community.  I listed a few of the things I've been involved with in that thread.  I got so involved because I needed a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  People give me a lot of compliments and praise for it all, but the truth is it has just been my way of saving myself.  Nothing more. 

Despite making it a point to keep my name off the Internet and out of the press, word about me has gotten around.  I am proud of the things I have done.  But I don't enjoy the attention or the spotlight (though I admit there are nice parts about it).  And being (I hope and believe) about to resume working in a profession that is especially intolerant of trans* spectrum individuals (I'm a lawyer), where career advisors have warned me that outness will end my career, where I've already suffered severe discrimination so bad that a national org called and asked me to make a video because it was the worst they ever heard of, has got me especially worried about it.  In addition to not enjoying the spotlight, I am scared to death of losing my livelihood . . . again!  So I am a lot more sensitive to and unhappy with being noticed than before. 

So, by way of example, I got a message last week from the head of the The LGBT Community Center saying that an anonymous Christmas present got delivered to the Center for me and I can pick it up next time I am there.  My first reaction was that it was really sweet of someone to think of me over the holidays.  My next (not serious) reaction was to wonder if a prominent activist who doesn't like me and has been calling people to tell them I am mentally unstable had decided to send me a bomb.  Then I settled on being kind of freaked out and ill at ease because getting an anonymous gift means that someone noticed me and I don't want to be noticed, especially now when I'm so close to hopefully saving myself from homelessness.

I had a get together with a friend of mine who is president of a DC area LGBT organization.  During the conversation, she pointed out to me that I am well enough known locally that I don't need a last name.  If people here that <my first name> did it then they know exactly who that is.  Then later that night I logged in here and found someone messaging me that they have been following my posts.  I got alarmed enough that I flipped out a bit and deleted my account.  Have I mentioned that I don't like attention and I'm feeling super uncomfortable with it at this particular moment?  (Though after a couple of days, I calmed down enough to decide on restoring it and talking about all of this instead of just leaving).   

So I'm a bit concerned about all of this.  Has anyone else dealt with similar visibility concerns?  How did they deal with it?

The reality is that having people come up to me and thank me for saving their lives is a fairly common thing.  I am proud of what I've done and I think saving lives is important, so I'd feel guilty if I just left and disappeared.  On the other hand, visibility is an awfully scary thing for me right now. 

[karahayes]

Although I've not dealt directly with being a leader in the local transgender community, I do know how it feels to contribute to worthwhile causes.  I did alot of volunteer work and mentoring in my community.  I also do not like the spotlight and prefer to be as stealthy as possible.  I feel that I've done many good things in my life and I do like to help people. 

The only life that I have saved thus far is that of my ex-gf.  She is transitioning and will have SRS in mid-2014.  She went through some really dark-days culminating in one day in which she wanted to end-her-life.  Thankfully, my positive message about what she has to look forward after her journey is complete allowed her to carry-on.  She left me for another male-to-female TG.  I was blindsided and heartbroken.

I am taking my own slow journey, but I don't want the attention that invariably goes with it.  I don't want to risk losing my family, my job as I don't need that in my life right now.  I've been on HRT now for nearly 7 months.  It has robbed me of any urges that I may have including that periodic need to cross-dress. 

I don't know if this helps you at all, but we have some similar characteristics that I felt that I needed to share.

[ThePhoenix]

Thanks.    I appreciate the moral support.

To add to my frustration over visibility,I just got an email from California telling me they have heard about me and some of the things I'm involved with.  Since I am in Maryland, this does not make me happy.

[Jessica Merriman]

I understand all about what you are dealing with. My case was terrible. I was a Paramedic/Firefighter in a large metro area for 28 years. I had to drive 124 miles round trip just to get a therapist and Endo who did not know me. Had I sought these resources locally my transition start would have been in every firehouse, hospital, pharmacy and doctors office before I arrived for my first therapy session. I did not do this to hide, but to control the speed and success of my transition process. There were certain people I wanted to tell at different times, not broadcast on the city wide radio net. We have professions that are unfortunately reputation driven, which stinks big time. I am retired now so it is not an issue quite as much anymore, but I know where you are coming from. Have you considered going to a firm that serves GLBT clients? That could be a way to stay employed and be constantly in a supportive environment. Just a thought. Also, if you are getting responses from all over a GLBT legal group would love to have the attention. Career move time? 

[Gina Taylor]

This has been a real eye opener for me. I never really consider this, because I'm just your average type woman. Now what I mean by that is that I've never really made anything out of myself to be something really special like Phoenix or Jessica. If I were to die tomorrow, just bury me in a field with a marker and forget about me. I've made nothing of myself in the 45 years that I've lived.

So that is why it doesn't bother me to get dressed and go out and just be myself and not worry about the consequences of my actions of what may be. Or maybe I have no conscience.   

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Gina! I don't consider myself special at all. I have just had different experiences than some people. I have been privileged to see how the world works and how everyone contributes in some way no matter how small. The problem is getting that knowledge CAN hurt you when undergoing something like transition because I had been in the spotlight for so long. People were used to seeing an Alpha Dog and now, well, not so. 28 years of history does not go away quite that easy and makes it very hard to have a personal life and go through with something like this so personal, that's all. 

[Gina Taylor]

Hi Gina! I don't consider myself special at all. I have just had different experiences than some people. I have been privileged to see how the world works and how everyone contributes in some way no matter how small. The problem is getting that knowledge CAN hurt you when undergoing something like transition because I had been in the spotlight for so long. People were used to seeing an Alpha Dog and now, well, not so. 28 years of history does not go away quite that easy and makes it very hard to have a personal life and go through with something like this so personal, that's all. 

But the difference between you and me Jessica is that you won't go out as much as I will. That's something that my mom can't undrstand is why do I have to go out. So I threw it back at her and asked her why does she go out and she told me that she's a woman  and that's what I told her that I am as well, and we had a bit of an argument over that. She believes that I should be content with just dressing as a woman in the privacy of my room and leave it at that. But I am not content with just that. So I go out and I face the world as a woman and I don't care who sees me. Because I am fearless.

But it's because of your experience with the public that's holding you back form going out there. I've always played second fiddle, so I'm nothing special, so when I go out there nobody's really looking at me and pointing fingers at me, like I'm somebody that should be remembered.

[ThePhoenix]

Have you considered going to a firm that serves GLBT clients? That could be a way to stay employed and be constantly in a supportive environment. Just a thought. Also, if you are getting responses from all over a GLBT legal group would love to have the attention. Career move time? 

There aren't a lot of firms that serve LGBT clients.  And none if them do what I do (sophisticated, high dollar value commercial work).  They tend to do family law mostly.  And most of that is LGB work.  I think that results from the unfortunate tendencies for trans* people to lose their jobs and incur large transition costs.  As a consequence they are unable to pay for legal services.

There are also issues between LGBT groups and the T community.  For one, there is the tendency of LGBT groups to devote very few resources to the T.  Lambda Legal, for example  has exactly one trans* rights attorney.  And in my case, I've often taken the T side against some of the LGBT organizations.  For example, last year the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force pushed an amendment to the Maryland gender identity nondiscrimination bill that would have expressly authorized businesses to demand proof that any trans* person was not trying to commit a crime.  They didn't mind that this was expressly authorizing discrimination against trans* people.  They only cared that they thought it would allow them to notch a legislative win.  I'm the one who blew the whistle on that.  I had months of trans* people coming up to me and thanking me.  But the "LGBT" orgs weren't so thrilled.  So between them not liking me and there being very, very few jobs working with the trans* community (I know of two in the last year nationwide), that is not a very viable.  Plus there's the problem that I still don't like visibility.  And it seriously limits ones future options as far as other jobs down the line.

[michelle]

As a lawyer, just carve out your own niche in your profession and try and find a law firm that accepts you.   If your work brings enough income into the firm sooner or later you probably will be accepted.   Because of your life's experiences as a transgender woman you may be sensitive to some of a firms most troublesome clients.   If you create enough value for yourself in a firm, you will become an asset, and sooner or later have the normal problems getting along as any other member of the firm.   Everyone has their own iteocrintries.  I know this will not be easy.   But I was an elementary teacher and probably would have found transitioning impossible in the small rural town schools that I taught in.   I am retired now.    Relax and be good at your profession.   And all of us transgender women have to learn to fight and survive as women,  which differs from the struggles in a man's world.    Me, when,  I taught elementary school in male guise, spent most of my time dodging both kinds of struggles.   I stayed out of female conflicts, and I refused accept the male role in my work setting.   I was a ghost during committee meetings and refused any leadership roles.   Needless to say, at the end of the day, when push came to shove I was expendable,  and never stayed at any one job for more than five years.

Lifes a struggle, however, we cut it.  May the force be with you.

[ThePhoenix]

This has been a real eye opener for me. I never really consider this, because I'm just your average type woman. Now what I mean by that is that I've never really made anything out of myself to be something really special like Phoenix or Jessica. If I were to die tomorrow, just bury me in a field with a marker and forget about me. I've made nothing of myself in the 45 years that I've lived.

So that is why it doesn't bother me to get dressed and go out and just be myself and not worry about the consequences of my actions of what may be. Or maybe I have no conscience.   

Hi Gina,

I don't think I'm anymore special than you.  There's nothing particularly great about me.  I'm actually quite boringly ordinary.  If anything, maybe I'm just needier than you.  Like I said, I've needed some reason to get out of bed in the morning.  I've been dealing with almost paralyzingly fear and near debilitating depression.  Doing the stuff I've been doing is how I am surviving.

Helping others is the best way i have found to help myself.  I don't do multimillion dollar business litigation anymore.  I lost that job.  I can't afford to go out to eat unless someone else pays.  If I'm wrong in thinking I may soon have a job again, the I will probably become homeless.  But I do create supportive communities that say have saved their lives.  If federal employees get trans* inclusive care in the next year or too, I will have had a (small and hopefully anonymous) part of making it happen.  There are other things too.  So I have lost huge amounts.  But despite that, I'd say my life still has some meaning and some value, wouldn't you?  So that gives me a reason to keep trying to make it.  If not form that, I'd probably just give up and, most likely, I would die. 

Lots of people have found that helping others is a great way to help themselves.  And you don't have to do anything great.  Would you like to know what I did to save trans* lives?  I got a few people together.  We all sat in a room and for any trans* person who came in with a problem, we sat, and we listened, and we talked to them.  We didn't judge.  We didn't tell them what to do.  We just listened and tried to help if we could.  And not a single one of the people who came in feeling suicidal has died.  Anyone can do that.  You don't need a group.  Just be willing to listen.

I was a TDOR speaker.  I've been asked to publish my remarks, so if anyone wants a copy I'll send it to them.  But here was the key to the whole thing:  "Changing the world doesn't require heroism.  It only requires kindness." 

Just find little ways to be kind.  That's all I'm really doing.  Anyone can do it.  And before you know it, you might find that you helped yourself as well as a whole bunch of other people.  It truly does add up.  And if enough of us do it, we really will change the world.  So you too can be kind.  And if you do that then you will have made yourself quite special.  And you never know where it may lead.

[ThePhoenix]

As a lawyer, just carve out your own niche in your profession and try and find a law firm that accepts you.   If your work brings enough income into the firm sooner or later you probably will be accepted.   Because of your life's experiences as a transgender woman you may be sensitive to some of a firms most troublesome clients.   If you create enough value for yourself in a firm, you will become an asset, and sooner or later have the normal problems getting along as any other member of the firm.   Everyone has their own iteocrintries.  I know this will not be easy.   But I was an elementary teacher and probably would have found transitioning impossible in the small rural town schools that I taught in.   I am retired now.    Relax and be good at your profession.   And all of us transgender women have to learn to fight and survive as women,  which differs from the struggles in a man's world.    Me, when,  I taught elementary school in male guise, spent most of my time dodging both kinds of struggles.   I stayed out of female conflicts, and I refused accept the male role in my work setting.   I was a ghost during committee meetings and refused any leadership roles.   Needless to say, at the end of the day, when push came to shove I was expendable,  and never stayed at any one job for more than five years.

Lifes a struggle, however, we cut it.  May the force be with you.

I wish this had been true.  I did that.  I built the relationship and developed one of the most profitable clients in my practice.  And, if I may say so, I am a darn good attorney.  You don't end up doing the work I did by finding it in a proverbial Cracker Jack box. Alas, not enough to save my job. 

I don't really think of myself as a feminist, but I do feel the need to say for the record that being a ghost and refusing leadership is not assuming a female role in anything. 

[Gina Taylor]

Hi Gina,

I don't think I'm anymore special than you.  There's nothing particularly great about me.  I'm actually quite boringly ordinary.  If anything, maybe I'm just needier than you.  Like I said, I've needed some reason to get out of bed in the morning.  I've been dealing with almost paralyzingly fear and near debilitating depression.  Doing the stuff I've been doing is how I am surviving.

Helping others is the best way i have found to help myself.  I don't do multimillion dollar business litigation anymore.  I lost that job.  I can't afford to go out to eat unless someone else pays.  If I'm wrong in thinking I may soon have a job again, the I will probably become homeless.  But I do create supportive communities that say have saved their lives.  If federal employees get trans* inclusive care in the next year or too, I will have had a (small and hopefully anonymous) part of making it happen.  There are other things too.  So I have lost huge amounts.  But despite that, I'd say my life still has some meaning and some value, wouldn't you?  So that gives me a reason to keep trying to make it.  If not form that, I'd probably just give up and, most likely, I would die. 

Lots of people have found that helping others is a great way to help themselves.  And you don't have to do anything great.  Would you like to know what I did to save trans* lives?  I got a few people together.  We all sat in a room and for any trans* person who came in with a problem, we sat, and we listened, and we talked to them.  We didn't judge.  We didn't tell them what to do.  We just listened and tried to help if we could.  And not a single one of the people who came in feeling suicidal has died.  Anyone can do that.  You don't need a group.  Just be willing to listen.

I was a TDOR speaker.  I've been asked to publish my remarks, so if anyone wants a copy I'll send it to them.  But here was the key to the whole thing:  "Changing the world doesn't require heroism.  It only requires kindness." 

Just find little ways to be kind.  That's all I'm really doing.  Anyone can do it.  And before you know it, you might find that you helped yourself as well as a whole bunch of other people.  It truly does add up.  And if enough of us do it, we really will change the world.  So you too can be kind.  And if you do that then you will have made yourself quite special.  And you never know where it may lead.

Thank you for your kind and heartfelt wrds Phoenix. I may have used the wrong word when I said 'special', because throughout my life I've always taken on mediocre jobs that resulted to nothing. I'm a grade 12 graduate, and I'm a fairly intelligent person, but I guess without that extra education, I've cut myself off at the knees for a better future and that's why I feel that both you and Jessica are better than me and can make more of a difference in this world, but are just hiding it behind the fact that you're transgendered. No offence though. If I were to be out with the installer from my company, peopel tend to remeber him more than me, because he  does the work and I'm just the helper. A person in the shadow of the insatller. Kind of like an assistent never gets full credit.
Y'know Phoenix, I really hope that everything goes through with whatever you're undertaking, 'Cos you do sound like you're really heling out your community. Unfortunately there isn't enough LGBT around my area to helpout. But if there was, I'd be there for the cause.   

[lilacwoman]

Despite the slimy editor doing a nasty trick on me a couple of yearsago and plastering two pix of me in the local paper and my own choice of doing a topless photoshoot for a big circulation woman's magazine I seem to be completely in stealth and enjoying life.
I'm thinking of starting swimming lessons again now I've solved my back aches by stopping eating all tomato products and that will involve sharing the pre-swim showers with he other women and girls.

[suzifrommd]

Phoenix, I share your concern about getting my name on the internet. While job security is not an issue, I'm in a profession where many don't believe transgender people belong. I could find myself the center of a lot of controversy. Last summer, a reporter got hold of my name, and only some string pulling and arm twisting by my employer to hers kept my name out of the papers and off the internet.

On the other hand, the transgender community desperately needs activists like you - intelligent articulate people who will speak out about what our community needs. I, for one, am grateful and have been the beneficiary of some of your good doings.

Just another dilemma that life places in front of Trans people. I wish I had an answer.

[ThePhoenix]

Thank you for your kind and heartfelt wrds Phoenix. I may have used the wrong word when I said 'special', because throughout my life I've always taken on mediocre jobs that resulted to nothing. I'm a grade 12 graduate, and I'm a fairly intelligent person, but I guess without that extra education, I've cut myself off at the knees for a better future and that's why I feel that both you and Jessica are better than me and can make more of a difference in this world, but are just hiding it behind the fact that you're transgendered. No offence though. If I were to be out with the installer from my company, peopel tend to remeber him more than me, because he  does the work and I'm just the helper. A person in the shadow of the insatller. Kind of like an assistent never gets full credit.
Y'know Phoenix, I really hope that everything goes through with whatever you're undertaking, 'Cos you do sound like you're really heling out your community. Unfortunately there isn't enough LGBT around my area to helpout. But if there was, I'd be there for the cause.   

You know, I've had people tell me "there are no trans* people around here" before.  Then we started Trans*Unity.  And we were overrun by more trans* people than we could handle.  They came out of the woodwork to find a safe space for themselves.  We offered one.  So they came.  I don't know where you are, but I suspect you'd find there are more people there too.  They are just hiding in the woodwork.  Besides, where is it written that a person cannot be helpful to only a few people?  Being helpful to just one person is still being helpful!  Just don't be surprised if that one person becomes two and so on.  Before you know it, you may look back and go "oh my god!!  How did I end up doing so much??"  And when that happens, send me a private message.  I'll send you one back that says "welcome to my world."

You don't need to be a political activist.  You don't need to be heroic.  You don't need to be over educated or over credentialed.  Just be kind.  We are in a community that can be pretty unkind to its own.  And in such a place, kind people stand out because their kindness makes all the difference.  And sometimes the people in the background are the ones who are best suited to that.

[ThePhoenix]

Phoenix, I share your concern about getting my name on the internet. While job security is not an issue, I'm in a profession where many don't believe transgender people belong. I could find myself the center of a lot of controversy. Last summer, a reporter got hold of my name, and only some string pulling and arm twisting by my employer to hers kept my name out of the papers and off the internet.

On the other hand, the transgender community desperately needs activists like you - intelligent articulate people who will speak out about what our community needs. I, for one, am grateful and have been the beneficiary of some of your good doings.

Just another dilemma that life places in front of Trans people. I wish I had an answer.

Truthfully I have no idea who you are.  But if you figured out who I am and I've been helpful to you in some way, then I am glad I was helpful.

I still have no idea what to do about visibility and achieving my own goals of blending in and surviving in the workplace.  But I do appreciate the kind words from people and just the discussion in general.  That, at least, has made me feel a little better.

[Gina Taylor]

Phoenix, I share your concern about getting my name on the internet. While job security is not an issue, I'm in a profession where many don't believe transgender people belong. I could find myself the center of a lot of controversy. Last summer, a reporter got hold of my name, and only some string pulling and arm twisting by my employer to hers kept my name out of the papers and off the internet.

On the other hand, the transgender community desperately needs activists like you - intelligent articulate people who will speak out about what our community needs. I, for one, am grateful and have been the beneficiary of some of your good doings.

Just another dilemma that life places in front of Trans people. I wish I had an answer.

Y'know Suzi, aside from being a transgender person, you are still an well educated intelligent individual. Just because you've changed your exterior to match with the way you see yourself in your mind hasn't altered your intelligence, so I don't understand why people discriminate us for trying to find work after our transition?  I mean I've read stories about Renee Richards not being able to play Tennis because of her transition, so she sued them and was able to play and the list goes on. Why do we have to fight back for osmething that is so obvious, or is society that much against us?

Several years ago, I scheduled a makeover at a department store. I walked in and had the makeover done, and because I forgot which door I came in, I was a little confussed when leaving. The manager thought I was there to make trouble, so I got written up in the Police Beat of our local newspaper a few days later. Fortunately they didn't use my male name in the report, so many people didn't catch on. But I just thought it was uncalled for.

[Gina Taylor]

You know, I've had people tell me "there are no trans* people around here" before.  Then we started Trans*Unity.  And we were overrun by more trans* people than we could handle.  They came out of the woodwork to find a safe space for themselves.  We offered one.  So they came.  I don't know where you are, but I suspect you'd find there are more people there too.  They are just hiding in the woodwork.  Besides, where is it written that a person cannot be helpful to only a few people?  Being helpful to just one person is still being helpful!  Just don't be surprised if that one person becomes two and so on.  Before you know it, you may look back and go "oh my god!!  How did I end up doing so much??"  And when that happens, send me a private message.  I'll send you one back that says "welcome to my world."

You don't need to be a political activist.  You don't need to be heroic.  You don't need to be over educated or over credentialed.  Just be kind.  We are in a community that can be pretty unkind to its own.  And in such a place, kind people stand out because their kindness makes all the difference.  And sometimes the people in the background are the ones who are best suited to that.

Okay Phoenix, I understand the point that you're making. I live in Port Charlotte, Florida. It's been considered to be a retirement community for eons, but over the years the old people have been dying off and have been leaving their estates to the younger generation and the younger generation has been procreating and right now our population has grown from 46,451 in 2000 to 54,392 in 20110. Now I'm sure that within those numbers there has to be some transsexuals in there. But I am sure that there are a high percentage of homosexuals. If you wanna send me some stuff, I'd be more than willing to look it over and start something. Send it to my e-mail address.  You can count me in for this one. 

[ThePhoenix]

Okay Phoenix, I understand the point that you're making. I live in Port Charlotte, Florida. It's been considered to be a retirement community for eons, but over the years the old people have been dying off and have been leaving their estates to the younger generation and the younger generation has been procreating and right now our population has grown from 46,451 in 2000 to 54,392 in 20110. Now I'm sure tat within thsoe numbers there ahs to be some transsexuals in there. But I am sure that there are a high percentag eof homosexuals. If you wanna send me some stuff, I'd be more than willing to look it over and start something. Send it to my e-mail address.  You can count me in for this one. 

Okay . . . Not sure exactly what you want.  And I'll need you to PM me your email address and let me know what you want before I can email anything to you.

One thing I can offer is the guiding principles of Maryland Trans*Unity.  They are basically free for the world so I'll put them here where anyone can have them.  They are phrased in terms of things that we won't do to ourselves precisely because of how often they are done to us.  They are as follows:

Maryland Trans*Unity Guiding Principles

• We accept anyone who comes with sincerity and kindness of heart.  We do this because we are so often rejected.

Let me explain this.  By "anyone" we truly mean anyone at all.  Basically if you're there to be nice, you're welcome.  Period.  That means that our groups and activities are for cisgender people as much as for trans* people.  Provided they are nice to trans* people.  As far as trans* people! we remember that the community is a lot bigger than transsexuals.  I, for example, do not identify as transsexual and my skin crawls a little bit every time someone tries to call me one.  That is why you always see me using trans* with the asterix and why it is Trans*Unity instead of TransUnity.  So the trans* identities that are welcome include:  crossdressers, transsexuals, transgender people, bigender, agender, polygender, genderqueer, no transitioners, de-/retransitioners, multi transitioners, she males, gender->-bleeped-<-s, transmen, transwomen, and any other identity I have not thought of.  Note that even the identities that trans* people don't often like very much (retransitioners, she makes, gender->-bleeped-<-s) are perfectly acceptable to us too.

• We respect the identity of everyone.  We do this because our identities are so often disregarded.

I am not obviously trans*.  Therefore my identity is respected by virtually everyone except, ironically, a certain segment of the trans* community that criticizes me and sometimes literally sends me hate mail for being too gender conforming, "too much like a woman," and "not trans* enough."  At Trans*Unity, we don't buy into that.  There is no such thing as "not trans* enough."  There is no such thing as passing privilege.  Those who come in who are not passable are just as respected as the ones who pass perfectly.  We don't send one another hate mail and there is no such thing as being too much one way or another.  We believe that there is one thing that no one is capable of messing up and that is being themselves.  As long as you are being true to yourself, you are doing it right.

• We protect the confidentiality of those who come here.  We do this because our confidences are so often violated.

We have had people come in who were in deep stealth.  We won't be the ones to out them.  We have people talk about very painful and difficult things.  We won't use that against them.  You can talk to us and not worry that what you say will get out to the world.

• Above all, we do our utmost to provide an emotionally and physically safe space for those who come together with us.  We do this because the world is so often not safe for us.

This is the protective one.  If people cannot be safe then they cannot be with us.  That means that the person who comes to gawk and ask stupid questions about trans* people's genitals cannot be here.  The person who is well intentioned but undermines the integrity of the whole group cannot be here (we had one who would come, get phone numbers, and the next morning people would have seven calls from him, for example, and he did that over and over to many people to the point people were reluctant to say anything in front of him). 

We are a space in which it is safe to laugh or to cry.  And we have had people do both.  And keeping it that way is a shared responsibility of everyone.

We review these four principles at every meeting we have.  And they have become a lot more important to people than I ever thought they would be. 

I hope this is helpful.  You don't have to start something like this.  Just be that person that people you know are safe talking to.  But if starting something like this is what you want to do, just let me know how I can help.  There has been recurring pressure on us to launch a Trans*Unity national org.  But we've sort of taken the approach of making everything we do free to the world instead.

[Gina Taylor]

Phoenix, I'll look over what you have posted and if there is anything else I will PM you for them. It'll be a pleasure working with you.