Being transsexual is not actually all that new for me. But the art of "passing" really is. For much of my young life, I spent it being something I never really was because I knew that is what society and my family wanted. Now that I am doing what feels right to me, it opens a whole new can of worms, so to speak; figuring out how to "pass" better as male. Its nearly impossible to me to really know for sure since I usually only go out to places where people already once referred to me as female for a good while before breaking down and admitting my transsexual status. Plus, I do not want to even be looked at as transsexual but as a genetic, cisgender man.
No, I don't have anything against transsexuals. Its just, for me it kind of reinforces my own personal gender dysphoria to remind myself every time that I am transsexual to people in question of my gender, especially when my real name does not match my at-birth name on any given documentation.
It makes me feel so awkward and even stupid at times.
Last week, I did something that made me feel good but I think it was kind of perceived as being desperate, maybe, to appear artificially macho. But in my heart, I know I did this to feel more comfortable in my own body, rather. And what I did was paint a beard-mustache combo over my peach fuzz.^^ Other than the itchy feeling and the fact that I pretty much was entering forbidden female territory here at something I really suck at any way, having mascara all over my face did wonders for my self esteem and more importantly, lessening even a little of my gender dysphoria that day.^^ My main issue with this very controversial practice is how messy it was(got all over my WWE Wyatt Family Zombie T-->-bleeped-<-
) and that I would have to keep it up to really look convincing if I wanted to be passable and even more so if I were to be passable
and stealth(which is nearly impossible for me right now due to possessing a very femininely petite body frame and lack of adequate finances for more cross dressing equipment, like packers and official binders other than my back brace, which is ok but not perfect
).
I try everything I can think of with the little equipment I do have; baggy clothes(but a bit too saggy due to unwanted sudden weight loss..hope its not anorexia nervosa
), baseball and skull caps(with a brim on them
) usually turned backwards or to the side, but mostly backwards, bigger-than-my-shoe-size shoes(like boots...wish I could get some Timberland's^^), I attempted to pack with socks but was not at all satisfied with the results(I found that a shoe gave me the 'bulge' I wanted thanks to an FTM named Spencer Adams on youtube, but this will
not work without men's briefs, since women's briefs will cause the shoe to slide down your pants leg and possibly reveal itself to the public which is mondo embarrassing, yo
), I tried to unsuccessfully simulate shoulder pads to broaden my shoulders but that ain't happenin,' I wear one stud earring but wonder if this and my eyeglasses are counterproductive and give me away even more or not, I started wearing a black leather jacket for a biker look but wonder if this too will give me away since it is actually a women's jacket and it is in the middle of summer(I use the excuse of having lupus and going to a medical office of making me cold and that seems to work for now>.>), and lastly I started to shave my peach fuzz to emulate the daily facial hair shaving of any other guy. Sure no one notices...but that is just it...I am not trying even a little to impress anyone...I just wanna feel comfortable and as happy as I can with myself while slapping gender dysphoria in its face!
Any suggestions with this, dudes?
P.S. Here are some pics I took the day I did my 'facial hair' drawings. Do I look 'man' enough? Honestly do not want to ever do this again. Lol. Its way too much work, messy, and itchy.>.<
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