Arousal Issues

[translora]

I've been out to myself as transgender for over two years now, and started therapy about a year ago (the only step I've taken toward transition). But I'm dealing with doubts because of the role arousal plays in my transgender thinking.

Basically, I've discovered that both of these things are true:

1. I cannot have thoughts about transition without getting aroused.
2. I cannot get aroused without thoughts about transition.

It's frustrating and frightening to find these so tightly linked, and I'm wondering if anyone has advice on how to separate the two in order to avoid making a big mistake (one way or the other).

Lora

[Jessica Merriman]

First, have you brought this up with your therapist and what is the advice given? Second, it sounds like you may be spending too much time or energy on this. You have to take a break from it every now and then or problems like these arise. I was able to think much more clearly when I got it out of my mind a couple days a week. Now, I try to use the energy I used to spend obsessing about my transition and helping others here as well as I can with my personal experience. It is very therapeutic. Is therapy helping you out at all? If not maybe it is time to consider another therapist more in tune with Gender issue's. 

[Riley Skye]

I will add a bit of my early experiences. Three years ago when I began crossdressing there was a big arousal factor for my. Honestly it was a turn on to wear womens clothes, especially bras and panties. Over the course of the next year and a half I grew more comfortable wearing womens clothes. The more I wore them, the more I grew used them and comfortable. Right now wearing womens clothes, bras and panties especially, is just an everyday thing for me. Unless I want to be sexy there is nothing really arousing. Perhaps the more you get used to it the more normalized and less arousing it becomes. Also there is nothing wrong with being aroused but if it a big part of wearing womens clothes then I would really re-evaluate transition. Take your time and give serious thought with what you want to do and don't rush into anything.

[TessaMarie]

Lora,

My experience was similar before HRT.

When I started an anti-androgen (Finasteride, as it happened), the involuntary erections subsided a LOT.

Once I started Estrogen, the obsession & compulsion vanished within 2-3 days.  As did my sex drive until only a few days ago.

For me, taking even an anti-androgen resolved that particular conflict in my mind by removing much of the T that was interfering with my thinking.

Hope this helps,

Tessa

[translora]

Jessica,

I'm actually on a planned hiatus from therapy right now, trying to let things percolate under the radar a bit without picking at them once a week. I plan to resume sometime this spring.

And this issue has certainly been discussed. My therapist is a specialist in transgender issues, and she's not overly concerned about this link. She recognizes that I'm wrestling with it, but doesn't see it as some sort of contra-indicator. She has suggested some things to try, but nothing has worked yet. This is a very deeply-rooted response -- likely in my hormones, or maybe the pleasure centers in my brain.

It isn't about the clothing, by the way. I haven't gotten aroused by getting dressed or being dressed since I was in my 20s (roughly 30 years ago). But it always happens when I actively think about, consider and/or plan for transition. Whenever I allow the goal/destination/steps to form in my mind, that's when it hits me. And that's what I need to think about if I want to get aroused.

Lora

[Jessica Merriman]

Lora,
WOW! You're a complex girl. I hope this gets resolved soon. This has me stumped and I have read a lot here and was a Paramedic for 28 years. Would love to know what they find out some day. 

[Tori]

This does not sound odd to me in the least. I had a very similar experience, until HRT dropped my sex drive. Fine to talk with a therapist about it but I assure you, T is not E.

T is so connected to a pre transitioning FTM's sex drive that even things like the mundane logistics of transition can be arousing. It is entirely logical to be aroused by something you desire, even if that desire is an idea or a fantasy.

Great post. Interesting thread.

[sandrauk]

I agree with Tori. It's entirely logical that pleasure/arousal/happiness are very closely linked and that one can lead to another.

That doesn't help you of course. We seem quite comfortable to say that transition would make us happier but not that thinking about it makes us aroused.

If you have an active sex drive there is an obvious choice to be made-- Am I prepared to give up my (strong)libido for transition?

Personally I was glad to see the end of it as I thought of little else, except sex, when under T and crossdressing did lead to arousal, but I knew I had been having these feelings since the age of four. 

Taking hormones kills the libido and then you can see how you really feel.

[suzifrommd]

Lora, my experience parallels yours. The idea of being a woman arouses me intensely (always has). And because I really am female, it's hard for me to imagine something sexually arousing without seeing myself as female.

Taking hormones kills the libido and then you can see how you really feel.

Sandra, this has not been my experience. Although my T is now down around undetectable levels, I still have a very active libido, though my interests and the mechanisms of arousal and release have totally changed.

[Lara1969]

Very interesting thread and a Situation similar to mine. I took the time to be sure to make the right descision. In the mean time I took Dutasteride to stop my hair loss. It killed 90% oft my sex drive. No I started HRT two weeks ago. Much of my sex drive returned whilst still taking Dutasteride but no other AA and pure Estrogen in the beginning. The good think I just like sex now but but the "need" is much less than before. It is hard for me to find the right words as non native English speaker.
Ich feel so good and I am 100% sure that I am a woman.

Just my experience.

Lara

[stephaniec]

once I started dressing in public all that went away. I been out and about for quite awhile, not full time yet. I noticed though that the sexual aspect tended to go away.

[Zoe Louise Taylor]

once I started dressing in public all that went away. I been out and about for quite awhile, not full time yet. I noticed though that the sexual aspect tended to go away.

This is the same with me! when i was hiding away in my room, i regarded myself as a ->-bleeped-<-! It wasnt until i started venturing out that i realised that this was something more than just that, and that i was infact alot happier, confident, and felt alive as Zoe!

x

[translora]

Zoe,

Now that you mention it, aloneness is definitely part of this equation for me. My certainty that I must/will transition is overwhelming when I'm alone, but otherwise I'm able to completely set it aside.

My transgender thoughts predated puberty by half a dozen years, but they got linked to my sexuality right away, and then I locked both aspects of myself away in order to survive. I think I did it so well that it's almost an impossible link to sever.

But that's what drove me into therapy. I realized that there was this huge part of myself that I kept hidden from the world, and it started to feel very deceptive. I told my therapist right away that my goal was to somehow integrate these two parts of myself, and then bring my whole self to the world. But that has turned out to be remarkably difficult.

I'm hearing that an anti-androgen may help clarify things, and I'm trying to come to terms with that option. But I've been hoping to find some clarity without that, primarily because once I take that first pill there may be no going back...

Lora

[Jessica Rush]

I think this is a little more common than you would think. Your mind and body are in conflict. Once I had come out to myself I could no longer do the male thing, it just doesn't work. I am more comfortable seeing myself female and I believe HRT really helps with the whole aligning your body and mind. I used to get extremely turned on when I starting thinking about transition. Doesn't help being attracted to woman in the first place haha. Hope this help. I haven't had any random visits from the fellow downstairs until I dyed my hair the other day, guess I was just happy to start looking like who I see myself as.

~Jessica

[Tori]

In the vast majority of cases, a MTF will know if/when to start and/or stop.

A therapist can help you talk this stuff out, but it should only be your decision. There is no shame in waiting and thinking this stuff through. Transition is not a race nor is it a requirement.

If some day you start, and it feels right, you may think, "I could have started earlier!". Really though, the only right time is when you are ready.

Your desire to integrate your inner and outer self is noble. It is something many have attempted to do without HRT. I have not heard many success stories, but I don't think that is the type of story that is shared as often.

Do you have any friends or family who you can open up to about this? It seems you have your trans feelings so sequestered, you may be prone to guilt and shame if you came out to everyone at once... but to one or two close friends who you KNOW will support you no matter what? That is a great way to start the integration process.

Also an AA may be a good place to start. They are not addictive. Your fear that you may not turn back, must weigh heavily on you. You can turn back. Fact is, AA's are much more noticible than hormones early on. Within a week, you should have a good idea what life with less T is like, and there should be no permanent physical side effects at that point. It is not a decision to make lightly. There will be a window of time before you will need either T or E in your system, and your questions and concerns seem to be linked more to T than E right now. It is quite plausible you will find some answers simply by reducing the T. So, hopefully you and your therapist can look at this option.

I saw somebody else post, "You don't get less trans." in one of our forums today. That rings true to me. But it does not mean you must hurry.

Another quote I have seen here, "Once you come out, you can't go back in." seemed worth sharing with you.

Good luck,
Tori

[Zoe Louise Taylor]

I think this is a little more common than you would think. Your mind and body are in conflict. Once I had come out to myself I could no longer do the male thing, it just doesn't work. I am more comfortable seeing myself female and I believe HRT really helps with the whole aligning your body and mind. I used to get extremely turned on when I starting thinking about transition. Doesn't help being attracted to woman in the first place haha. Hope this help. I haven't had any random visits from the fellow downstairs until I dyed my hair the other day, guess I was just happy to start looking like who I see myself as.

~Jessica

I think that this may be a huge part in a trans persons confusion about arousal. I think if your attracted to women, then your bound to get aroused now and again if your constantly thinking about a womens figure etc!

X

[sam79]

I find this can be a difficult topic. Or at least it was me.

Prior to annihilating T and transition, I could easily get aroused at the thought of transition or just being a girl. I think that's because I too linked fantasy, sexuality and my gender identity. It was the only way I could somewhat horridly enjoy what I was. I hated that aspect of myself so much, and felt guilty every time I indulged in the fantasy.

At the time, I began to understand that the T-based sexuality & libido was the driver behind all of the horribleness. I knew I was female inside, and that this knowledge predated sexuality etc. I tried to kill that insidious libido for years, blaming it for most of the discomfort I felt daily. I was closer to the truth than I knew, but on a different level entirely.

Ultimately I left it until late to do something about transitioning. I was on the verge of not being able to cope with life any more. There was really no choice... One of the scary aspects was that even at my lowest, that insidious libido was still there, unwavering. I was scared that it would persist with my transition, along with all of the disgust and horribleness I associated with it.

I'm so, so so incredibly thankful for AAs ( and E ). Without T, my libido and guilt with myself vanished entirely!. It was so wonderful when that happened. Everything became clear and any doubts I had disappeared. There was no doubt about transitioning being the only and right path. It was truly the most profound moment of my life. It was what I needed.

So while I knew that T was the problem prior to HRT and transition, there was still little clarity while T was flowing through my veins. That still is a scary thought. Because it meant that there was a risk that I'd have never have seen T to be a problem and separated sexuality and gender, and may have taken my trans nature to and early grave.

[stephaniec]

I find this can be a difficult topic. Or at least it was me.

Prior to annihilating T and transition, I could easily get aroused at the thought of transition or just being a girl. I think that's because I too linked fantasy, sexuality and my gender identity. It was the only way I could somewhat horridly enjoy what I was. I hated that aspect of myself so much, and felt guilty every time I indulged in the fantasy.

At the time, I began to understand that the T-based sexuality & libido was the driver behind all of the horribleness. I knew I was female inside, and that this knowledge predated sexuality etc. I tried to kill that insidious libido for years, blaming it for most of the discomfort I felt daily. I was closer to the truth than I knew, but on a different level entirely.

Ultimately I left it until late to do something about transitioning. I was on the verge of not being able to cope with life any more. There was really no choice... One of the scary aspects was that even at my lowest, that insidious libido was still there, unwavering. I was scared that it would persist with my transition, along with all of the disgust and horribleness I associated with it.

I'm so, so so incredibly thankful for AAs ( and E ). Without T, my libido and guilt with myself vanished entirely!. It was so wonderful when that happened. Everything became clear and any doubts I had disappeared. There was no doubt about transitioning being the only and right path. It was truly the most profound moment of my life. It was what I needed.

So while I knew that T was the problem prior to HRT and transition, there was still little clarity while T was flowing through my veins. That still is a scary thought. Because it meant that there was a risk that I'd have never have seen T to be a problem and separated sexuality and gender, and may have taken my trans nature to and early grave.

separating the sexuality and gender was important for me. I separated the two awhile back. I became aware of it when I took it out side. I didn't get to spiro and E until later but when I finally got here It made me realize that was where the problem was. It was the missing E.