Hey Susan's Place, I'm new here, and pretty new to the acceptance that i am mtf. Lately, over the past few weeks and months, I have just given up on living in a lie that I am just a guy; I feel like things would be much better if I was a girl. I am quite scared, as nobody knows of this. I'm having trouble with having no one to talk about it. For quite a few years (about 8 ) I have always day dreamed about what it would be like to be a girl. For the past few years I have experimented with makeup, and just in the last year started painting my nails. All of it has been done in complete secrecy.
Coming out to myself was hard on this; I come from a family of three boys, and all of us have a masculine image. All if us did very well in hockey (my brother plays college) and I am currently gigging regularly with a band that keeps a very masculine persona. I always was disgusted with myself when I did girl things; I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was a black sheep to my family, and a freak amongst my peers. After breaking up with my last girl friend about a year ago, I spiraled into a pretty deep depression. I realized that i wasn't happy with myself nor the body I was in. I spent many hours deliberating how I could be happy. I was sick of my fake masculinity and searched for a better me. That search for myself is what led me to this site.
Though I have a good sense of where I'm at, I still sometimes feel very trepidatious of where I see my path going. I do not feel any where near ready to tell my family, and I fear rejection from society heavily. I have pretty bad social anxiety, and with the way I see kids get ostracized at my high school, I feel pretty alone right now. Coming out to my self has made me feel loads better, and I know seeing other people like me cope with daily struggles will help me greatly.
Thanks for your time,
Rachel
