What to do about Dad...?

[naomimadison]

Hi all,

I really need some advice. I'm having real trouble family-wise, specifically with my Dad.

First a little about me. My name is Naomi, and I'm a 27 year old male to female transperson. I have been living full-time (work, friends, everything but family) since October 2012 and have loved it. I've had 2 appointments at Charing Cross GIC in London and am due to start HRT any day now (just waiting for the letter to arrive). The one thing that has pulled me back and the one thing that means that I have trouble sleeping at night is my Dad. Having been full time for quite a long time I'm so used to being called she and her and Naomi and it's brilliant! However, my Dad has stated that he is not ready to see me as myself yet and I will have to be 'him' until he is ready. Whenever I go to my parent's house (or anywhere where my Dad is present) I have to put on a hoodie and boy jeans and pretend to be him.

My dad has made no effort at any point to correctly gender me and says he, him, 'young man', my old name and every male word under the sun. He's buried the fact that I am transitioning and in 16 months has not moved an inch. As I said above I'm starting HRT any day now and within a few months there may be visible changes. Things that my Dad will have to deal with.

I'm lost. Somebody give me some guidance as I don't know what to do. I don't want to not see my family, but I can't carry on like this. It's almost like he takes pleasure in knowing that I'm 'him' some of the time and that he's the cause of it....

[LordKAT]

You choose to dress in boy mode and go see him. You are an adult and can do that. If you don't want to do that, then don't. If he can't or won't deal with it, that is his problem, don't make it yours. He will either come around and see that he doesn't control his adult child's life or he will continue to control it as far as you let him. It is all your choice.

Choices have consequences, both good and bad. Accept that he may say not to visit. If so, no more stressers of dressing out of character. If not, you now have his respect, even if he don't like it. He may come around after missing you and once seeing what HRT does, it will be harder to deny.

His choice is to accept you on your terms, or lose you.

[Ms Grace]

I agree with LordKAT. Your father will just have to get over himself, or not - his choice, his loss. If the rest of the family is accepting of you then go dressed as you want, how you want. After all, he'll never be able to "get used" to you if you always present how he dictates. Alternatively, maybe femme it up a bit more each time you go over... girls' jeans, then a pink hoodie, then different shoes, until you are dressed female by default. Good luck!

[lilacwoman]

27 is a bit too old to be wearing hoodies and no doubt reinforces his idea that you are in some teenage fad stage.

as he knows you have started some sort of transition just go as Naomi and if he doesn't like it that's his problem.

[Chloe]

It's almost like he takes pleasure in knowing that I'm 'him' some of the time and that he's the cause of it....

I ditto the first two replies . . . As a parent of two myself the point is to 'be happy' yourself there's some people you'll never 'convince' so HUMOR HIM and I guarantee with age he'll mellow. Mine did but 'steps' never! *Transition* doesn't have to be about *how you dress* not to mention that mid-life married men tend to *despise women* in general so don't take it personally!

[LizMarie]

I'm afraid I can't be of much help. I'd show up as me, period. When he addressed me with the wrong name or pronouns, I'd ignore him. But that may not be what you want.

[SunKat]

I'm sorry about the way things are going with your dad.  It's often hard for parents to get out of the "in my house you'll do what I say" mode.
If your dad insists on dictating what you wear in 'his' house or at 'his' family events then what you might want to start doing is meeting the rest of your family on your own turf or on neutral ground.  Invite your mum out shopping or your siblings out to an arcade.  Take your grandma to the zoo.  If your dad objects, let him know that he's welcome at 'your' house and 'your' family events, but if he wants to be involved in your life he'll need to accept your life for what it is.
There's no guarantee that he'll come around, but that may just be how things are going to be.  At least you'll be making an attempt at keeping connected to the rest of your family.