I'm in a pickle of a situation

[stephaniec]

I have these friends that I grew up with but haven't seen for 20 years. I've got them on facebook ,but don't socialize . I just started transitioning like 4 months ago. I'm not totally sure because its me I'm looking at ,but I think the changes are noticeable enough to cause questions. I've been brushing these people off  because I've been dealing with quite a lot even before HRT. Ideally it would be nice almost to reconnect , but on another level maybe not because I really  have no interest in reliving a painful past. I'm at a very sensitive time in my life and I really don't need problems. These people are friends with my sister that I haven't talk to in 20 years because of certain events. I honestly don't know how any of them would react to me being transgender. The problem with all this I'm afraid to just come clean because there are nephews and a niece involved who I just recently connected to because my niece found me on facebook.   I don't want to lose my niece. I'm really in a pickle about how to deal with this situation. I can just keep ignoring until they get totally mad and hang up. Or I can come clean and possible lose my niece who I haven't physically met in person for 20 years. Its a burden that is dragging on me. I greatly appreciate any ideas. Plus my niece has two boys who if i come clean at this time I possibly will never meet. Eventually I'll come clean to my niece , but I'm only 4 months in and don't want to yet. I just need possible ideas to move forward one way or another.

[vlmitchell]

Sweetheart, if you're transitioning, you're going to have to face the music one way or the other eventually and no time will make it easier so, when you feel confident enough in the direction that you're going in (and only when you're confident that this is for you), it's going to be time to decide whether to cut off your old life entirely or just come out to the world.

Personally, I just did it in a facebook post and let the chips fall where they decided to. I realize that, given your comments, I'm younger than you and the peer group that I have is probably more diverse/accepting than one for someone in your situation but I found a lot of support and encouragement in that regard. Sure some people disappeared but, that's going to happen one way or the other.

[Jessica Merriman]

I feel for you Stephanie. I am in the same boat. I grew up in the era that we hid it, didn't talk or hint about it and payed dearly otherwise. I grew up in the buckle of the "bible belt", on a military base in a highly conservative atmosphere. For my father to get promotions and longevity meant towing the line as it did for the family as well. Appearances, appearances, appearances! We carry a heavier burden than the current generation, in my opinion. We were forced to hold on to it for so long, myself 40 years, that it is hard for us to let go of the past at times. I am getting over all the guilt trips and am becoming much more comfortable every day. The problem I face is that my friends from 20 or 30 years ago are still responding to me as we were raised to, which is not supportive most of the time. I have had a few surprises, but not many. I do know where you are coming from as I can relate. Oh, to be 18 or 19 in this current age would be a dream come true. So much more is known and much better care and procedures are available today. I hope todays generation actually understands just how fortunate they are. 

[Jamie D]

I'm not really sure how much physical change in 4 months will be noticeable, especially if you haven't seen them for 20 years.  After 20 years, everything seems changed!

[stephaniec]

thanks for the replies, I appreciate them

[JoanneB]

I'm not really sure how much physical change in 4 months will be noticeable, especially if you haven't seen them for 20 years.  After 20 years, everything seems changed!

This gets my vote since it was my first reaction.

Just meet your friends asap, say hi, life's crazy wish we could do this more yada yada yada. See where things go from there.

About the same for your neice except is things go well, keep in touch regularly. Let her meet and know the person first.

[Jill F]

Sweetheart, if you're transitioning, you're going to have to face the music one way or the other eventually and no time will make it easier so, when you feel confident enough in the direction that you're going in (and only when you're confident that this is for you), it's going to be time to decide whether to cut off your old life entirely or just come out to the world.

Personally, I just did it in a facebook post and let the chips fall where they decided to. I realize that, given your comments, I'm younger than you and the peer group that I have is probably more diverse/accepting than one for someone in your situation but I found a lot of support and encouragement in that regard. Sure some people disappeared but, that's going to happen one way or the other.

^This^

Once I decided that I never, ever wanted to present male again or keep up appearances for convenience's sake, I came out via Facebook.  I had already told close family and a couple of friends in the days prior, but I basically needed to rip off that band-aid and let the chips fall where they may.  I knew that I'd lose some family and friends, but I also knew that I would find out what these people were REALLY made of, who mattered and who didn't.  Most people were very supportive, but I lost an uncle, an aunt, some cousins and 3 or 4 close friends that I thought would be cool.  The family that I'm dead to are people I haven't seen in over 20 years anyway, but the friends who now ignore my existence really irk me because of their phony initial responses.  I wish they'd had the common decency to be straight up instead of giving me the complete BS I got.  The great thing is that some people whom I had completely expected to give me the heave-ho did the opposite, and we are closer now.  I also got much closer to a lot of female acquaintences, and get to do "girls' night out" with them now.  I have also made a lot of new friends in the last year who understand completely what I've dealt with my whole life.

If you don't want to do this now, I'm sure plenty of your friends have bigger moobs after 20 years anyway.   Your family, well, they will find out eventually.