Odd Question from an SO

[bellajgw]

I'm the female wife of a woman who is my soul-mate. I had always dated men but fell madly in love with her and we've been together now for 8 years, married 3, and have been trying to start a family. It never mattered to me what she looked like. I always knew she was uncomfortable as a woman yet lately she had tried really hard to be more feminine. I mistook this to be that she was embracing her femininity. Turns out she was giving it one last go before making a final decision.  The twist at the moment is that she is the one trying to get pregnant. I know it's because she wants to have a child that is part her, but this whole process has been really hard for her. She has decided to push through it as we are one more IUI away from being able to attempt IVF. We agreed 3 IVF tries and if none stick then we move on to me. (Just a little background on our current situation)

Two weeks ago she came out to me, by asking me if I would be okay with it if she had a full mastectomy. I knew what was coming next. The next day it was the tentative "would you be okay if I became a man."  As I fell in love with her (please forgive any pronoun etiquette, I'm still new at this) and who she is I really don't care what's on the outside and I just want her to love herself as much as I love her.

Now to the odd question....Christmas is in a few weeks and I would love to get her items that show her that I am truly supportive of her.  She is working on getting into really good shape and has some significant weight to lose, but also has begun dressing more androgynous. Here are some of my ideas and I would love your input on things you would have liked to have had or had received when you first came to this decision (and don't say therapy because we're getting that figured out in the new year).

High quality chest binding shirts (she's using double sports bras and I can tell they hurt)
Personal training sessions with someone who specializes in muscle building while losing weight
Some men's clothes...thinking sweaters, thermals (as we walk to and from train a lot), more masculine hat and gloves, maybe a more masculine coat (though I don't know if my funds will spread that far)
Some books on how to deal with transgender issues (though she doesn't tend to read books as much as she researches online)
A more masculine cologne to replace her perfume
Some manly boots that add a little height

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[Devlyn]

How about a subscription to this site? 

Welcome to Susan's Place! I'm single, you don't want relationship advice from me! The regulars will be along. You sound like a very caring person, and I'm glad to meet you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Adam (birkin)]

Personally I would go with the colognes and the new clothes. They're affirming, yet subtle enough to not bring them out of their comfort zone too much. One of the first things I did for myself was buying men's underwear (I got myself some somewhat expensive Joe Boxers from the department store - SO comfortable), and it was around Christmas. It was really nice and hugely affirming, and meant the world to me at the time. Sometimes in the earlier stages (which it sounds like they are in), trans books, binders, a workout thing...can all be a bit much. But with the clothes and cologne, they can walk around feeling like a million bucks in their new Christmas clothes and scent!

[lou7]

Clothes make the man. Clothing has always been a very important part of my life. I remember my family member giving me cologn or a guy shirt for a birthday or Christmas present I was impressed they accepted me and it seemed to be their way of saying I love you no matter what you're gender is. Yes, I would go with clothes.

[xsmittyx]

I'd go with clothes; maybe shop for them together?

[Eva Marie]

I think that it's simply awesome how supportive you are being about this and the way that you see it! 

Lets see, gifts for a guy.... definitely clothes, he will need those. He'll need casual clothes like shorts, jeans, t-shirts, and sandals, underwear like boxers or briefs, and a pair of tennis shoes. He should also have something a bit more classy like boat shoes and maybe some business type shoes and some business casual stuff for work, some button down shirts and some ties, and definitely a suit for the odd wedding or funeral. And he'll need guy grooming items like a shaver and cologne. Since he will only need 2-3 pairs of shoes now that frees up closet space for your shoes LOL......

Mostly he just needs the support, love, and acceptance that is coming from you right now 

[CursedFireDean]

Since he has mentioned getting a mastectomy, A binder may be a really great gift along with some clothes. Clothes and a binder are definitely things that will help him feel more confident in himself. As others have said, even just underwear is extremely helpful in the beginning! So having a partially male wardrobe would be great.

I think one of the best gifts though, is definitely being understanding and try and help him the best you can. Being accepting, open to hearing how he feels, will definitely help him.
And as you mentioned pronouns in your post, something that will definitely show support is if you ask him what pronouns and name he likes and use them. Even small steps are super important in the beginning, and having someone whom he cares about using the proper pronouns and name, even if it's just when it's between the two of you rather than public at first, will definitely be great.

[AdamMLP]

As someone who came out to their missus on Christmas day last year (it wasn't planned that way at all), I can definitely concur that understanding is the best gift you can give.  Ask about pronouns and names if you haven't, and just generally be understanding.

It's a little thing, but men's toiletries are a good thing to get, my mother brought me some when I moved out, and I'm not even properly out to her so for all I know it was just cheaper, but it felt so reaffirming.

Boxers (definitely a thumbs up!) and clothes are always good, but maybe lay off the binder until you can shop for them together because they're more personal and preferences vary between people.  They might already have their eye on one if they've been researching online.  Could you give them X amount of money and a note that you'll use it to get things which will make them more comfortable, i.e. the binder.

[Bimmer Guy]

I agree to wait on the binder, I like the note idea as well..."Good for one binder", for when they are ready.

Boxers are a great idea and simple things like men's soap and men's deodorant in their stocking may fit the budget, as well!

[bellajgw]

Wow, thank you all.  Those are some really great thoughts and suggestions.  The pronouns...I never thought to ask until I saw your responses.  I have noticed the occasional eye-roll when I tell her that she's my beautiful wife...but that's something I say all the time. It's true for me and even being able to call her my wife and being legal and recognized was huge for us.  I even learned how to say I love my beautiful wife in sign language so I could be gooey in public without embarrassing her.  I guess I'll need to learn the word for husband and handsome.

Clothes, cologne, toiletries and maybe or maybe not a binder.

Great!  A Christmas list begins to form!

Thanks you guys...and gals!  I'll work on the pronouns...but she said she doesn't see the point until she can at least get the mastectomy...so I think I have a little while yet to get used to the change.  Thanks again!

[Alexthecat]

Thanks you guys...and gals!  I'll work on the pronouns...but she said she doesn't see the point until she can at least get the mastectomy...so I think I have a little while yet to get used to the change.  Thanks again!

Yeah while a few family members know I'm trans I haven't pushed the name or pronouns on them yet. I probably will after my top surgery next month. At least he should have a name in mind and you two should explore that route. You could always use the neutral Zee which sounds like she and he with a ZZZZZ. People will interpret it as they will.

[blink]

Welcome to Susans. It's awesome that you are being supportive of your SO like this.
Hope it's not too late to toss an idea out there. About the clothing idea. You could give them a gift card to a men's clothing store, would be an opportunity for them to see what kind of clothes they prefer (and learn the different sizing systems), and you could go together.

Side bit of info about pronouns that may be helpful, since a lot of people don't know this - if you're unsure of someone's preference and haven't had a good chance to ask, singular they/them/theirs avoids gendering altogether (and some people prefer those as their pronouns all the time).

[Natkat]

When i came out to my brother he gave me a shirt and a tie which i was very happy about. Binder could also be cool but maybe snit more difficult.n

[bellajgw]

Thank you all for the suggestion!  Xmas went very well.  Got my SO two sets of gifts, a general gift set and a male gift set.  I got him a chest binder that I did a ton of research on (loved it and wears it daily), got him a really nice cologne and a set of manly soaps, got him men's underwear, socks and undershirts, and even got him a subscription to Men's Fitness under the name he has chosen to go by once he begins the transition.  All were VERY well received.  Thank you all for your suggestions!

[TheLance]

I personally love the idea of getting your SO boots. A very awesome friend of mine sent me boots and they make me taller. Instant self esteem boost. The clothes and cologne are an awesome idea as well. I love how supportive you are, that's amazing You're doing an awesome job.

[TheGrayWolf]

Well Christmas is over now but I just wanted to say how great it is that you are being so supportive of your SO. You are doing a wonderful job and it is a great thing to see.