Am I Kidding Myself??

[Shawna777]

So lately Ive been considering starting to transition I am currently pre everything. I also losing a lot of weight and trying to lose my muscle ( I was a power lifter) My concern now is even after I lose the weight and muscle if my bone structure is just to big. Everyone always tells me I have great power lifting genetics ( Like I asked for it!!) So basically I am wondering if anyone else started out the same. I currently 5'8" and 275. My goal is to drop to 180. Put on alot of weight after an injury.

[Shawna777]

sorry It wont let me attach a pic

[amZo]

Well I envy your height (or lack of  ), you have that going for you! I say lose the weight and find out then how you feel. 

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi baby! Can you live without transition? I was a Paramedic for 28 years, I started at 6' 00", 220 lbs. and am 48 years old (47 at start of HRT). No, it can be done. Currently 5'11", 190 lbs. Still 48, but can't change that!  My Dysphoria was so bad I could not afford NOT to transition. There are quite a few of us who started older than 40 and some have had great results. I might not be a gorgeous girl, but I feel good inside due to emotional changes and am quite happy. It is hard to live a lie. PM if you ever need to talk or ask questions. I am here for you.

[Shawna777]

Nikko:
Thanks..  Its so funny cause when I was younger I hated being short I was 4'11" till highschool and all the other males in my family are 6' and taller.. hints my weightlifting to try and prove myself.

Jessica:
Thanks for the emotional support. I dont have the intense need to transition but I want to see where this takes me before I get up in years ( currently 24) I always knew I was diffrent when I was in Elem. School I was to "sensitive" so over the summer my parents made me play sports and such then the next year my School made me see a therapist and blamed my behavior on my parents divorce. So its not like theese feelings are new and I dont think there going anywhere anytime soon.

Sorry for the long reply

[Robin Mack]

*hug*  6'4" and 200 lbs here... fortunately I was slender to start with.  You're not fooling yourself.  I haven't even begun HRT yet (which helps change/devour muscle), so I have broad shoulders and strong arms.  With careful wardrobe choice I spend nearly 100% of my free time presenting as female.  I've gotten so comfortable and confident with it that I really seem to blend in... well, except for the height thing... but no one seems to notice that.  In fact, most of the looks I've been getting lately have been *admiring* looks.  It feels nice! 

The point is, people can overlook a lot of things as far as presentation goes if you have the confidence and practice.  And, like Jessica (love that woman!) said, after a point it can become a "transition or die" scenario.  You are already working on permanently altering your body... I think it would be a better idea to focus on getting your mind prepared by talking to a gender therapist.  If you and s/he agree, you could start hormone replacement therapy, which would help in your quest to remove muscle. 

*hug*

[Jill F]

Hang in there, Shawna777.  Please see a therapist who specializes in transgender issues, even if they are in the next town. (If you aren't already.)   

You are correct, these feelings don't go away.  In fact they tend to get more intense with age.  I got quite overweight more than once, and now I know why- being overweight drops testosterone and increases estrogen levels.  Transgender brains have too many of the wrong hormone receptors for what your body produces.  I ended up in therapy after I had lost a significant amount of weight, which sent my dysphoria (and drinking) into overdrive.  I was shocked when she told me I needed to get on a low dose of estrogen immediately.  I didn't want to be trans, nor did I want to deal with transitioning socially.  I hoped on some level that estrogen wouldn't do a thing for me and that she was wrong.  Two hours after my first dose I felt the best I had felt mentally since I was about 12 and I went full time a few weeks later, came out to the world and never looked back.  Estrogen made me feel better than all the drugs I ever did, and I refuse to go a day without it. 

And don't worry about your big frame.  I'm 6'2" and built like a linebacker, but I'm still seen by most as unmistakeably female.  There's lots of cute cisamazons out there too.

[Jessica Merriman]

There's lots of cute cisamazons out there too.

Don't forget a lot of us work as assistants to creepy mad scientist's bent on world domination. I hate being chased by villagers with pitchforks all night. It interferes with my hydration! *giggles*

[Shawna777]

Robin:
Thanks for the support I know E practically kills muscles but I dont know if I want to go that far yet. I'm just worried my bones will be to big. (Probably worrying for nothing as I tend to do ) When I was young I had a really small frame and haven't seen myself without alot of muscle or fat for a long time. So I guess only time will tell.

Jill:
Thanks for sharing your experience. I want to see a therapist but I wanna wait until I am off my parents insurance and on my own.

[Joan]

Hi Shawna

My size and frame was something that held me back for a long time.  Six years ago I had my previous GD crisis, but I couldn't imagine a 6'2" big-boned guy ever making a convincingly passable woman, and that time I managed to put the lid on it for a little longer.  I then started lifting weights and built up a fair bit of muscle.

There are two thing I have found since.  The first is that if you lose muscle and the rest and get down to a female weight then you may find that the bones underneath are not as obvious as you may think.  Second that choosing the right clothes can make your frame look good.  There are broad shouldered narrow hipped women out there tat look really good by their clothing choices.  I am preHRT but I've lost about 50lbs from my peak of 230 and I'm getting the hang of putting flattering outfits together - slowly

The important thing I think is 'can you avoid transition?'.  If you can then do.  If you can't then your body might cooperate more than you think, and there are ways to make the best of it too.