Facing the holidays

[Crackpot]

I need some advice from my Susan's people. My wife has still been living stealth. Right now she's thinking about coming out to family after the holidays, around February or so. Until then, in family situations her dysphoria is getting really bad. She recently joined Susan's and has been active in the Trans* section which I'm so happy for. I'm hoping there is a gem or 2 on there that might help her for tomorrow, but does anyone have any ideas on what I can do as a partner to help her power through? I'm thinking an exit strategy is a must, but aside from that I'm at a complete loss.

[Shantel]

Hi Tiffols,
      Holidays are usually tough on a lot of people, especially in many dysfunctional families when drinks enter into the mix. There is more domestic violence during this time of "comfort and joy" than at any other time of year. There will no doubt be triggers for her and since you can't be in her head to know ahead of time what those things will be and neither can you micro-manage anyone else's behavior, my best guess would be to just be supportive and comforting and know when it's time to both leave.

[Jerri]

hi,
this weekend is my first weekend with most of the family all at once since coming out to them, so for me i decided to have an smooth exit plan, but do expect the usual why, and how could you stuff that I got when I came out. I will do my best to help them understand that they cannot control this and do not need to understand totally but having them accept me for who I am will give us all time to grow and learn together. I am not totally an new person if they can get past how my looks have changed then maybe we can build on our relationship. I also am going to try to be just andro so as to help with the shock factor some. thats the best I have been able to figure out so far, praying for the best though.
Jerri
 

[KabitTarah]

hi,
this weekend is my first weekend with most of the family all at once since coming out to them, so for me i decided to have an smooth exit plan, but do expect the usual why, and how could you stuff that I got when I came out. I will do my best to help them understand that they cannot control this and do not need to understand totally but having them accept me for who I am will give us all time to grow and learn together. I am not totally an new person if they can get past how my looks have changed then maybe we can build on our relationship. I also am going to try to be just andro so as to help with the shock factor some. thats the best I have been able to figure out so far, praying for the best though.
Jerri

My family and I have agreed to not talk about it... I was just at a family birthday party and, though I felt tense about it (heck... I always feel tense right now), it went well. The only real problem is knowing that certain people don't want me in their lives any more. Thanksgiving will be better (those people aren't there)... but I expect Christmas to be very difficult this year... and worse next.

For me... just acting normally is easiest, but you cannot control what other people think and do or say.

[Shards]

Hi, Tiffols. I wish that I had some advice about getting through a family gathering. Since I don't, I just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best possible holiday experience. Be well!

In fact, best wishes to everyone about to face a big family (or otherwise particularly emotional) weekend!

[Stochastic]

My dysphoria gets bad when there is a lot of down time (commuting to work, etc.), and I have a tendency to overthink things. My therapist suggested audio books or podcasts where I can mentally engage in something other than my dysphoria. It is a temporary fix to prevent being overwhelmed, but not the safest option when it comes to other commuters  . This may be a consideration when there is a lot of down time such as flying or driving to family for the holidays.

Best wishes for a happy (or at least manageable) holidays.

Julia

[Crackpot]

Kabit and Jerri, my heart goes out to both of you. I wish you the best during your holiday. I'll be keeping you both in my thoughts and I hope things goes smoothly.

Stochastic, I'm an intense over thinker so I totally understand. That's a big reason on why I took up knitting and crocheting. Doing things with my hands, especially when I have to focus on counting rows and stitches has been invaluable. Not going to help while driving though. Haha

Peregrin, I appreciate really appreciate that. Hoping you have a good holiday season as well.

And Shantel, that's what I'm going for now. We decided to try and counter balance it when we get home. I told her to think of something when we got home that would make her feel feminine or that she's progressing. Hopefully she can release all those feelings then. The worst one she has told me is the feeling of lying to her family, but maybe at least having something to look forward to when the day is over will help.

[Felice Aislin]

I hope it went well for everyone, and if not, that everyone is recovering well.    (hug)

Thank you for this thread, Tiffols & everyone else.  I feel like I needed to hear these things right now. 

Even though we're not doing family get togethers at the moment, more and more social interactions are this way, and just being at work is getting harder and harder for my spouse.  How others handle this is really nice to hear.  The idea of having something to look forward to that would make her feel feminine or like she is progressing, after a particularly hard day or encounter, is something I will remember, as well as the books on tape (engagement/distraction) idea for down time.

Thank you everyone!

[ChelseaAnn]

I suppose I can chime in on this. I'm out but not doing anything until 2015, for family and legal reasons. I went to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, and was expecting a somewhat tense situation. Instead, things seemed pretty normal. I didn't get hugs from my FIL, MIL, or SIL. However, the rest of my wife's family supports us, and they acted as if nothing had changed, which was very nice. The only bad thing I knew about was my SIL was making nasty comments about me behind my back. However, she said them to my supportive wife, so I found out about everything. My FIL even told her to knock it off at one point.

[Stochastic]

I thinking about everyone here and hoping that the holidays went well. My SO and I had a good time with our children and extended families. I am nervous but ready to take on the challenges of a new year. Hope your new year goes well. Take care everyone.

Julia

[Jerri]

hope all went well for you, was able to make it past our gathering's, last night was a bit tough but still on top today so all is good. everyday brings new challenges for us, the ones that really matter to us are by far the hardest and no matter how well we try to plan nothing ever goes as expected at least it seems for me, lol.
anyway was thinking about you and wanted say happy new year and let you know your not alone.
Jerri

[Shantel]

I spent the evening countdown at the neighbor's house for dinner and cocktails, they are all really conservative. I went in my usual androgynous dress mode with a couple of clear coats on my nails, just keeping a low profile. During dinner I was facing a window and for the first time it really dawned on me how remarkably different and feminine my facial features had become as opposed to those of the men sitting on either side of me. I'm not that fond of my mug and spend as little time in front of a mirror as possible, so this was a huge revelation to me. I'm assuming that everyone must think I'm a real sissy as there is no way I can conceal my breasts sufficiently and I didn't bother to make the effort to anyway. Everyone was extremely polite though one women obviously was rather put off by my appearance, I could tell by her body language. Happy New Year everyone!