Next chapter of my life

[DarkRhino]

I have been in "the closet" for several years. I have recently wanted to blossom into the person that dwells inside. Slowly each year, i came closer to this chapter. I still find it difficult to dress in 'drag' in public, because of the fear i have of how others would see me as i think i would make a hideous girl. The biggest fear i have is mainly of men who would "be fooled" into thinking i was female, and then beat me up to show off for friends that they can beat up someone who tricked them. That's not why I would want to go in public to -trick- or fool men. I know men have a drive to show superiority and would be willing to show off for friends. I dont want to trick anyone. i -WANT- to be female. I can't the sight of my reflection. That's not who I am. I rarely have any photos of myself. For so long, i never knew why. I keep my cross dressing in my house, and find clothes that blur on whether male or female clothes. It's funny, but I find the word 'transvestite' a word that in no way describes me. My therapist asked me why. I told her to me it's like nails on a chalkboard. I take offence to it as i dont see myself as a man dressing in womens clothes, but a woman dressing in clothes. I don't hear the term used for girls wearing guys clothes. But thats what that word means. It was a big step for me, and im ready to start the next chapter of my life. I can't wait for my daily depression to stop and i can be freed from this stigma i have that surrounds me. I hate the way people talk to me, see me, look at me, and even think of me. For in this shell of a man, is a woman who can't wait to emerge.
Thx all,
Willow

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome to the family baby! If it makes you feel any better most of us have been in your shoe's one way or another. The good thing is now you have a great support system you can use anytime, us. The hardest thing we face is actually admitting to ourselves that we are who we are. You will find knowledge, caring, trust and many other things here to help in your journey. Relax and know you are in a safe place here and will make friends in no time. Here is a BIG HUG ( ) to start you on your new life with us. This family saved my life and helped start me on the road to transition, they will help you too. 

[gennee]

Hello Willow and welcome to Susan's. Continued success as you transition.

[LordKAT]

Welcome to Susan's.

Your story is all too familiar. We now have a pair of Willows. I don't know if you have any plan on how to start. If not, you may want to see if you can find a therapist. They can help you with finding friendly medical people and help deal with the feelings and fall out.

[DarkRhino]

Thank you so much. It warm's the heart seeing so many wonderful replies. I woke up one morning and felt that the year of 2014 is the year i take action. So long I have taken a back seat to everything. I had no real worries and no real passion to do much of anything. I had no motivation. This year, everything changes. I do tend to fall back into the habit of the past, and just do nothing, waiting for that -right- moment. We make, the moments. We make, the change. I don't have many friends and i find it is because of my 'secret' and friends help give the courage to stand for something. I have to keep telling myself, this is what i need. This is who i am. This will give me the peace of mind i have been looking for. It's difficult to take that step, for fear of rejection. I don't want to be seen as a freak. I want acceptance. I want to wake up every morning feeling -right-.
Thanks again for letting me know, I am not alone. Others are out there sharing the same dreams and fears.
Willow

[DriftingCrow]

Welcome to Susan's Place DarkRhino. I hope you find what you need here.

Make sure you read these:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[Jamie D]

I have been in "the closet" for several years. I have recently wanted to blossom into the person that dwells inside. Slowly each year, i came closer to this chapter. I still find it difficult to dress in 'drag' in public, because of the fear i have of how others would see me as i think i would make a hideous girl. The biggest fear i have is mainly of men who would "be fooled" into thinking i was female, and then beat me up to show off for friends that they can beat up someone who tricked them. That's not why I would want to go in public to -trick- or fool men. I know men have a drive to show superiority and would be willing to show off for friends. I dont want to trick anyone. i -WANT- to be female. I can't the sight of my reflection. That's not who I am. I rarely have any photos of myself. For so long, i never knew why. I keep my cross dressing in my house, and find clothes that blur on whether male or female clothes. It's funny, but I find the word 'transvestite' a word that in no way describes me. My therapist asked me why. I told her to me it's like nails on a chalkboard. I take offence to it as i dont see myself as a man dressing in womens clothes, but a woman dressing in clothes. I don't hear the term used for girls wearing guys clothes. But thats what that word means. It was a big step for me, and im ready to start the next chapter of my life. I can't wait for my daily depression to stop and i can be freed from this stigma i have that surrounds me. I hate the way people talk to me, see me, look at me, and even think of me. For in this shell of a man, is a woman who can't wait to emerge.
Thx all,
Willow

Ah!  Another Willow 

From what you write, it appears your gender identity is female.  You seem not to identify as a cross dresser, but cross dressing apparently helps with your gender dysphoria.

I think you are doing the right thing by seeing a therapist.  Hopefully, you will be able to see a doctor and start on HRT if it is right for you.

Welcome!