my husband

[NeedingAdvice]

My husband recently told me he wants to be a woman. i support him and will stand by him I'm just not sure how to help him. he doesn't know what to expect and there is no one he cab talk too. what should him and i both expect?

[Cindy]

Hi Honey,

and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

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This is going to be a hard road for both of you and one of the first things 'he' and you need to do is to see a gender therapist to discuss the options and the path to take.

At one end is that a male to female transgender may decide to undergo hormonal reassignment and live as a woman. I for example identified as female early in my life and I am now a very normal happy woman accepted in life and society.

At another end low dose of estrogen may be sufficient to cope with gender dysphoria and a full change into femininity may not be required.

One thing that need to be understood is that it would have taken enormous courage for your husband to tell you this. Most transgender fight this like anything in the hope that they can be 'normal'. The sad thing is, is that we are normal. Normal females. Gender dysphoria never goes away no matter how we try to deal with it, self denial is very common, as is coping by risk behaviour, alcohol abuse and drug abuse. None of this helps.

There is a lot of information in the wiki on the site, and other SO can be a great help.

We will also help in anyway we can.

Understanding and facing the problems are paramount, they will not go away.

You may suggest that your partner also joins the site, they will receive support here also.

Thank you for being a brave and wonderful woman, my heart goes out to you.

Ask any specific questions you wish.

And if you just need to rant and get a hug - well we are pretty good for that as well.

My Love

Cindy

[Jessica Merriman]

Hello! Trust us to provide the both of you a big warm welcome! I am so glad you are supportive and taking steps to learn about this issue. I hope you can get your SO to come with you here and find out she is not alone. I am sure she is filled with doubt, guilt and a multitude of feeling we have all had at that one time in our lives. Please tell her she is welcome and there are people like her who want to help in any way possible. All questions are OK and if it is not answered well the first time, ask again. This family has the education, personal experience, caring and compassion to ease the transition and provide peace of mind. There is usually someone here all the time, so PM whenever needed. Here are two BIG HUGS ( ) to start both of you on your journey! 

[Crackpot]

Welcome to the board. Everyone on here has been really great and very supportive of each other. Feel free to ask any questions and we'll all do what we can to answer them or show you were you can get the information you are looking for.

My wife is also MTF and in the process of transitioning. Everyone's journey is different and it all depends on what steps your spouse wants to take and how quickly. For us, she decided last January and she needed to do something about her dysphoria. She was speaking to a counselor within a couple months and received a letter of recommendation for hormones a couple months after that. With her letter she went to see her Endocrinologist and received her prescription for hormone replacement therapy and has been taking those for 5 months now. Sometimes those steps can take shorter or longer. It really all depends.

[blueconstancy]

Hi! Just joining everyone else in saying welcome, and feel free to ask any questions at all. My wife transitioned a few years ago now; it sounds like you're in a relatively good place in terms of being prepared to face this, but the initial phase of confusion and limbo can be stressful (and it's totally OK if sometimes you're NOT fine with it all).

[Emmaline]

As Douglas Adams said... Don't panic!  You may feel like all life's dice are up in the air at the moment, but they do settle one by one and a sense of normal life returns.

A gender therapist really helped my wife and I come to terms with the situation.  I found out in may 2013 I was transgender, and made sure we both got councilling asap.  The important thing for us, was realising that it was not anyone's fault, and taking the time to set our minds strait before making huge decisions.  Right now it feels like we both have weathered a tornado, and everything is now peaceful and healthy again.  I wish you the best, and you have definately done the right thing coming here... these guys and girls have been fantastic help.

[Phyliciaraine]

Welcome
My wife is also supportive of my transition. I'm so happy to see more that are. I know that it can feel like you are doing this alone, and the information on the internet paints a bleak outlook but I'm finding its not. One think that I know has helped me and my wife has been to find a local support group and see if there are any couples that stayed together through the spouse's transition. I could also send you my wife's blog as well if you would like. Best of luck in this journey.
~hugs~
Phylicia

[blueconstancy]

Phylicia : That is an excellent point, and I can't believe I forgot about it. No matter what anyone says, especially bitter people on the internet, it ABSOLUTELY IS POSSIBLE for couples to stay together if they're both willing to work at it. My wife and I are happier together now than ever.

(Ironically, among the most vicious naysayers about our relationship were three non-trans couples friends of ours... and all three have since divorced. Our marriage has better survival odds than that of many of my relatives *and* friends, so far!)

[Jessica Merriman]

My spouse supported me initially, but gave in to peer pressure from friends and family. I can see where that could be hard for a spouse because while I am transitioning, in a way, your spouse does also and usually they do not have the choice, it is thrust upon them. I have no ill will and have come to accept the demise of the relationship. I do not like it, but I can see both sides and am at peace now 

[blueconstancy]

Jessica, I am very sorry that that happened to you... and it's gracious of you to accept the situation.

(My family disowned me, or rather, they said they would do so unless I rejected my wife. I refused. I haven't spoken to my immediate or extended family, except my sister, in over four years. It sucks, but in my own opinion, anyone who dares to ask me to choose has already proven why I should *not* choose them.)

[Crackpot]

As always Blue you put things so much better than I ever could I have the SAME feelings regarding ultimatums. We've only come out to one cousin so far (although that's changing tonight!) and it hasn't been an issue yet, but I do agree with you if it does come up.

[blueconstancy]

Tiffols : Thanks, and in this case it's because I've had some time to think about it. Good luck with telling people!!

I should add that 99% of the people we told have been fantastic, and my extended family is more avoiding the awkwardness/drama from my mom (she can create an *unbelievable* amount of drama) by not talking to me. So it's not so much that they objected to the transition per se, either. (And if they'll choose the drama queen over me, well, I wish them much joy of her!)

[Crackpot]

Yes I should add that as well... I don't want to frighten the OP. We are starting to come out to family, but have been informing friends for a few months now. Out of everyone, there's only been one person that has slipped out of touch and even that I don't know that I can pinpoint the transition for the reason. So all in all, things have been very positive.