Hello everyone.
This is my official introduction into an online Trans community, with a little information about me thrown in for good measure.
I'm a 29 year old transwomen from Northern Ontario, Canada.
From a young age, probably around 5 years old, I've felt a bit of a disconnect between the gender I was forced to express and the gender I felt I was on the inside. That disconnect only grew with puberty, as my body become more masculine. Like many people experience I was coerced into suppressing my feminine self.
Throughout my life I've experienced sporadic bouts of anxiety and depression over my inside not matching my outside. This would typically lead me to crossdress on the sly every now and then. Not knowing what transgender was and with the negative feedback from my friends and family - my crossdressing would eventually lead to feelings of shame and guilt. That shame and guilt would cause me to stop, until the anxiety and depression set in again. It was a spiral lasting over 2 decades.
Eventually I grew up. I finished school, got a house, got married, had a wonderful son. But the feelings never went away.
A year and a half ago I got divorced. It was one of those devastating events, where this life you built for yourself, the life you're supposed to have falls apart. And for a long time I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining or whatever other metaphor there is for the good in a bad situation.
But there WAS a silver lining. I was now free to explore myself and my gender. About 6 months ago I came to the realization that it's not just weekend fun at home crossdressing that I want. I want to transition. Admitting this to myself was a huge relief and also frightening.
I vividly remember the moment I realized I was transgender. I was on my way to the kitchen for a snack; in the hallway I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stopped and turned. In that moment, at that angle, I looked feminine – more so than usual when I was in girl mode. That's when I realized this is what I wanted. I confessed those feelings to my reflection and I expressed regret about wasting so much time. Wasting so much of my life trying to be something I wasn't. My reflection wept, as did I.
I don't normally make New Year's resolutions, but I did this year. I made a general one - I resolved to take steps towards my transition.
Since then I have booked an appointment with my family doctor, spoken with the most trans friendly clinic in my area (a not very trans friendly area) regarding seeing a psychologist to get a diagnoses of Gender Dysphoria, and as of today I took my first steps outside in girl-mode... ever. I just went and got some fast food, but it felt like the biggest "baby step" I've ever taken. I was so excited, happy, and proud of myself!
With love
Ashley.
