Letter to my Son.

[rhonda13000]

A big thanks to everyone for all the responses, this has (and will continue to be) a tough time for me.

I have taken everyones comments and will modify my letter over this weekend.

To answer some of the questions and comments above.

Yes.. I do feel deep guilt at what I did, I abandoned my Children, thats my perspective and why I feel I have to apologize to my son. I dont have any right to ask for his forgiveness, all he ever was, was an innocent party in this chain of events. I did have another choice, which was suicide and I tried that, but I do not wish my son to be exposed to that truth.

My ex-wife never wanted me to find happinnes, she made things difficult from the start, phoning my employer, telling her friends total lies, taking me to court and banning me from seeing my Children, but yes, I still love her and I guess If I was in her place, I may well have thought the same. Her sole aim was to protect the Children both emotionally and financially, not make my life easier by accepting what was happening with love and best wishes.

Her comments to me where "I would rather you be dead, than humiliate me and the boys"

As a Parent my love is (and will always be) unconditional. My exwife once asked me what I wanted our sons to be when they grew up (meaning profession), my reply was simply "Happy". I feel that I have contributed to a level of unhappiness, which again is part of the guilt that I feel.

I never intended this to become an issue around wether it was right or wrong for me as a TG to have Children. That was not the debate. Thousands of people get divorced each year and the sad part is that no one wins (except Lawyers of course). If I had walked out on my families life to be with another woman (or man), would it not be the same?  If I had died of cancer, been put in prison for a long period, the effect would still be the same, a parent absent from their Childrens life.

No matter who we are (Male, Female), the majority of us still have the same biological urges of that gender, my ex wife also wanted to have children, would I have been selfish to deny her that wish? I was married for 15 years before my own personal pain and torture became to much to bear. As a post op TS, I no longer have the ability to take part in and witness, to me which is one of the wonders of the Human Race, give birth.

I can still remember the day clearly when I sat down with an 11 and 9 year old and told them that Daddy had to leave, because he was going to be a girl. I can still remember them crying, hugging and begging me not to go, I can still remember their Mother telling me to go and never come back. Thats where the guilt comes from.

My life is good, my life is happy and I have achieved much since transition, totally rebuilding what was the wreckage of my previous existance. All that has been possible because I have never stopped believing that I will see my Children again, to hold them and tell them I love them. That hope will never die so long as I have a breath left in me.

Buffy

WOW, Buffy.   

I did not see this post. I agree with Karen.

[Berliegh]

Berliegh, you don't list your age in your profile but I'll bet you were born during or after the great internet information age? You look great (and thus I am just guessing)! We (Nigella, Rob, I . . .STOP RIGHT NOW Kiera, point taken I hope! Bev, your "2"? ) were not. Having just graduated high I paid almost $3,000 for one of the first IBM PCs. 8086 processor with a 5 1/4 floppy, no hard drive and certainly no "modem". I doubt very highly "everybody had one" 

Thanks for the compliment Kiera, I 'm also now in my 40's but my original Gender Dusphoria diagnosis was made in 1984, so I've been in this transition loop for 23 years. When I was trying to start transition computers were in their infancy and the internet wasn't invented. It was much harder in those days..

My ex-wife never wanted me to find happinnes, she made things difficult from the start, phoning my employer, telling her friends total lies, taking me to court and banning me from seeing my Children, but yes, I still love her and I guess If I was in her place, I may well have thought the same. Her sole aim was to protect the Children both emotionally and financially, not make my life easier by accepting what was happening with love and best wishes.

Her comments to me where "I would rather you be dead, than humiliate me and the boys"

As a Parent my love is (and will always be) unconditional. My exwife once asked me what I wanted our sons to be when they grew up (meaning profession), my reply was simply "Happy". I feel that I have contributed to a level of unhappiness, which again is part of the guilt that I feel.

I never intended this to become an issue around wether it was right or wrong for me as a TG to have Children. That was not the debate. Thousands of people get divorced each year and the sad part is that no one wins (except Lawyers of course). If I had walked out on my families life to be with another woman (or man), would it not be the same?  If I had died of cancer, been put in prison for a long period, the effect would still be the same, a parent absent from their Childrens life.

No matter who we are (Male, Female), the majority of us still have the same biological urges of that gender, my ex wife also wanted to have children, would I have been selfish to deny her that wish? I was married for 15 years before my own personal pain and torture became to much to bear. As a post op TS, I no longer have the ability to take part in and witness, to me which is one of the wonders of the Human Race, give birth.

I can still remember the day clearly when I sat down with an 11 and 9 year old and told them that Daddy had to leave, because he was going to be a girl. I can still remember them crying, hugging and begging me not to go, I can still remember their Mother telling me to go and never come back. Thats where the guilt comes from.

Buffy

That is horrendous....and people can be so cruel. There could have been a million better ways for your wife to resolve this and that is the worst example I've ever come across. It's very spiteful and vndictive. You wife is also hurt and probably feels used and mislead and possibly didn't know this would happen when she married you. She may not have found any tell tale signs early on that you were TS. The situation may calm down over time...

By phoning your employer and phoning her friends she is only making it worse for herself but she is obviously deeply hurt but at the same time hasn't tried to look into the way you might feel either. This situation happens a lot and sometimes families, parents will reject you. I have a friend who's family rejected her for many years, even banning her from her own fathers wake. She cannot see any of her family and hasn't for many years. Her brother had children but she's not allowed to see them. She is an outcast from her own family. Strangely she also is a stunner and looks completely natural. Her mother has just started talking to her again after 13 years..

Buffy, you wife may change eventually but she feels humiliated and let down. It is to some extent a natural reaction for a women in a hetrosexual relationship and she may find it embarrising. It's an awful situation and for her to get a court action to stop you seeing your children is not the right attitude. You could get the same kind of fight with a normal divorce and sometimes partners show their true colours in this kind of pressured situation.   

This situation could have been handled much better and many couples work things out, some even stay very close. I hope things improve for you Buffy. x