I think I've finally figured it out. But now I'm crapping myself!

[ConfusedHumanUK]

Not needed anymore

[Cindy]

Well Honey you have come to the right place!

welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

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Believe it or not most of us have come from a similar place!

I think the UK has a fairly formalized system for gender dysphoric people and some of the UK girls will help you out with specifics, but get onto the site and have a look around.

You are not alone anymore!!

Cindy

[amber1964]

Not a single thing you said is unique, special or unusual. Generally it is helpful to talk to a therapist but you already indicated that was an issue. An alternative is to find a support group in your area where you can meet others like yourselves. Things are much harder when you are alone and isolated.

If you have the funds you can see a private therapist. That would preserve your confidentiality.

Over time you will come to an understanding of exactly how you feel and what you want to do about it. It is a process that every single one of us has gone through. I was struck by how similar your story is to my own in terms of school and friendships. It just took me a whole lot longer to get where you are now.

Dont worry over everything at once. If you choose to go down the path a lot of the things you are concerned about will resolve themselves over time. I wont lie and say it is easy, but thousands of us have beern exactly where you are right now and ended up living normal contented female lives.

Doing nothing is a bad idea because if you need to change burying things can be very damaging.

[Surrealism]

You seem to remind me so much of myself. Even the part about saying less than 20 words during a school day and being "numb" during times people would expect you to feel sadness. When I see beautiful girls, I feel the same way too. I don't sexualize them, I find myself wanting to be like them, envying them. I wonder about the same things you listed. I have a family likely to reject me in entirety besides my sister (she already knows and is fine with it) and I feel like a short gorilla, ape-like man with no hope in ever being an attractive female.

I'm 20 myself, so we seem to be in the same boat. Just know that you aren't alone, and every day it's hard for me too as well as many others to get up each day and remain optimistic with all the negatives considered. Judging by what I've read on this site from most of my lurking around, a lot of transwomen share the same concerns that we share, and eventually, even if they repress it for a while, the feelings become strong enough to make them take the risk. I'm pretty sure I'm heading the same way. Every day for me gets harder to stay sane as long as I'm physically male.

I can't say if this is good advice since I haven't even started transitioning yet myself, but this is what I'm doing. I'm planning on doing the changes that can help me in the future (like treating my male pattern baldness, losing weight, etc)  with a transition but aren't drawing attention from my family while I'm dependent on them. It's up to you to decide if it's worth the risk to come out to your family while you depend on them or not, I've concluded it isn't for me, but you know your family better than anyone.

Anyways, welcome  . Sorry I can't be of much help to you since I'm new to all this myself. But yeah, just remember, you aren't suffering alone or feeling these things alone.

[Natalia]

Welcome to Susan's!

You are not alone and, to tell you the truth, I think most of us here share a similar story.

I am 26 and I have always been the lonely boy that had no friends and was too shy to talk to anyone. I had only a few friends, but it seems we are losing contact now that each one is getting different jobs and plans for their lives.

I wasn't a feminine boy, but I wasn't masculine either. I hated football and sports, I never felt sexual attraction for any girl...it was more like a feeling of "I would like to have her body", I liked to secretly wear clothes from my mother and high heels (I remember doing this since I had around 8 yo), I am very emotive...things go on and on.

I lived my entire life ignoring this, trying to hide my real self. It was only a few months ago that I decided to seek help from a therapist and now I am certain that I should be female.

I would recommend you finding a good therapist. You can also try to do some tests on the internet (COGIATI test can help) but they aren't very accurate sometimes. You really need to seek a therapist to help you determine what is your degree of gender dysphoria...you might be a transgender and hormone therapy can do wonders fro you if this is the case.

[Eva Marie]

Confused-

Yep, your story sounds quite familiar to me. Pretty much everything you wrote I experienced myself but it happened a much later age. By the time it had fully hit me I was 50 years old and I had a wife and kids and a career to worry about. Just like you I had early signs but I didn't recognize them for what they were at the time.

As Amber said - doing nothing / stuffing your feelings is not the right way to handle this. Your feelings will most likely continue to intensify until you do something.

When a person has this realization therapy is usually the first step to take; a therapist can help you see things as they really are and help you cut through the confusion and get to the heart of the matter. However, I understand your circumstances prevents that. Maybe the therapist can happen later, or you can seek therapy in some way to avoid detection (I live in the U.S so I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of your country's healthcare system).

There are some things that you can still do however. Getting in better physical shape is a good one (that's one that i'm also working on right now and it's free) as well as finding out if there are any trans* support groups in your area (they are usually discreet so no worries about anyone finding out).  You've ALREADY taken the best first step by joining this site! There are LOTs of people here that have been exactly where you are and have gone through the things you are experiencing so keep reading older threads to gain knowledge.

If you have a place to keep such things you can begin to pick up a few pieces for your wardrobe; thrift stores are a good place to begin improving your courage in that area - you WILL NOT be the first gender non-conforming person that they have ever seen, trust me  In my early days I remember being terrified to step foot in a thrift store for women's clothes but now I just shop wherever I want to.

This journey is a tough one no doubt. Take each day as it comes and deal with only today's problems and don't worry about tomorrow - you can worry about tomorrow's problems tomorrow. On this journey you will experience very hard things and difficulties, but you will also experience unexpected great things - one of them is gaining a much better understanding of yourself as a person. I'm catching glimpses of the "other side" and I like what I see over there. I hope to see you posting more on the board in the future! 

~Eva

[Joan]

You remind me of myself too, except you've found the courage to begin accepting these feelings 20 years earlier than I did.

And yes those concerns are basically the same ones I was wondering about myself.

I only registered here 3 months ago after lurking for for several months before that, but there are so many nice people here who understand where we are.

I wish you all the best in helping to find a place where you can be comfortable.

[amber1964]

Keep posting and begin finding useful things you can do to make some small steps. You may laugh, but I envy you, realising and having the chance to change when you are so young. I waited until I was 50. Everything works so much better and is so much easier at your age. You cant be any bigger than I was 220 plus pounds, now three years later im barely 110.

[FinallyMe84]

Yes, in the beginning it is ALL about small steps. Find what you can do right away and try to make a plan for what you would like to accomplish. Definitely explore the site and don't be afraid to ask questions.  we are all individuals, but transition/questioning is not easy for any of us. Glad you're here, hope to see you around the site!

Jessica

[Natalia]

Could I ask, what sort of feelings and emotions did others that had that 'boom' moment go through?

When I first realized I am a transgender I felt incredible relieved...it was like a button clicked and everything became clear and transparent. It is now so obvious, but it was so hard to get the clues together.

I am still gathering courage to tell my mother...and I feel terribly anxious and nervous all the time. I wish I could tell her at once, but I should go with small steps...it is what I am doing, showing small clues that I am tansgender...I am trying to show more clearly how feminine my mind is.

I also feel fear all the time...I don't know if I am making the right choice...actually I don't fear for myself, because I know I am female inside. If I did not have a family I would already be female, but what I fear the most is how my mother will treat me after I tell her that her son will become her daughter...

Besides that I also feel quite happy to feel my body and mind working in syntony...I feel like I have lived my entire life trying to be what was expected of me...but then I woke up and realized that was not me...it makes me sad about realizing I lost all the joys of growing as a woman, but it makes me happy because from now on I will live the way I am supposed to be.

So, it is actually a huge mix of different emotions and feelings.

[Gina Taylor]

Hi Natalia and welcome to Susan's. 

I'm really glad to see that you've already jumped in and have been posting! 

I'm sure that in no time you'll get to meet and know a lot of your new brothers and sisters! 

[Chaos]

I suggest you read my blogs entitled 'Personal Life' and you will realize beyond a doubt that you are not alone.many live and feel the same way but some (like myself) feel they had even an higher power intervene.some had a very poor life,a lot of pain and a lot of loss but they got here and have no regrets.Welcome to the forums and remember,no matter what road you take,if its rocky or flowing hills-we all get to the top.

[GendrKweer]

Put all the thought into this as you need, get a counselor to talk with, get your head together, because of all of us on this forum--whether we are 50, 40, 30 or even 20, we can pretty much all agree: we wish we had started our respective roads sooner. Don't delay because you're scared of the answer. Dysphoria rarely (if ever) goes away. Good luck!

[Jamie D]

Hi all,

Firstly, a massive, MASSIVE thank you. I really expected I'd get some pretty cold responses telling me to bugger off.  I think what's most reassuring is that despite what I thought, I'm not 'unique' and cut off from the world.

After posting this morning, I actually ended up having a very long talk with my sister - something we never do. She herself went through a pretty emotional time a few years back and I was able to slightly open up about how I've never felt I have the right personality, without revealing anything.

I think I need to take a few days to come to grips with everything as my brain's just completely spinning right now, not really knowing what the heck's going on. I've had this horrible anxious feeling all day driving me crazy. Could I ask, what sort of feelings and emotions did others that had that 'boom' moment go through?

Bugger off?  Nah!  You are among friends here. 

When I began to put two and two together, it sort of all made sense.  The emotion for me was relief.

[Cindy]

Honey it is a natural reaction.

You are among family now and we all understand what you have gone through and are going through.

Have a good cry and feel at home.

You are safe here

Cindy

[Cindy]

Many of us know that feeling so well.

What triggers it changes for all of us and we have to be able to accept it.

There is nothing wrong with us, we are normal human beings who didn't get the right switches at the right times in our fetal development.

Soon you will start thinking of how to move forward because we all know that once we start this path we cannot stop. I and many others tried so hard to be what society thought we were. We hide in a shroud of fear that conceals us from our life.

But one day we peek out, and realise that we are also people.

The we begin to live.

And I can assure you, life is wonderful.

[amber1964]

Hunny, there is absolutely nothing wrong with yoy. Crying is a normal thing to do. As a man you are taught that crying is not manly. Im afraid the bad news is that you arent one. So the cork just popped off the champagne and out it comes. It happened to me. Its a very overwhelming feeling.

Just wait until you start hormones. I recomment buying waterproof eyeliner and mascara. Your gonna need it.

Life isnt ending, its just beginning.

I always describe it as a bell went off and the race started. I wont sugar coat things and say its easy, its not, but truly you have the chance for joy which I think is quite a few levels up the food chain from numb. Numb sucks, I kept myself there for 25 or 30 years with a horrid combination of alcohol and drugs. Im clean now, some time, I dont need them anymore. One day I just stopped, no drama, no nothing, just didnt want to be numb anymore.

[Natalia]

It is a good thing to cry. You will feel better if you let it all go...

I always cried, alone or close to my family. They all know I am a crying baby ^^ Somehow I feel better when I don't hold my tears.

We are taught that we should not cry, but we are human beings! We have emotions and fears and crying is a normal thing that shouldn't be discouraged.

We all know about what you are passing through. We all share the same feelings. There is a day on our lives when we all ask the same questions and we start wondering if we are ourselves or if we have become what was expected of us. For some (like me) it is a relief to find out what was wrong with you, to finaly open your eyes and see the right path.

The tough part is taking the first steps, but you already took one very important step (if not the most important), that is figuring out and coming here on Susan's! You are not alone here and being transgender is far more common than you might think. It is a beautiful thing too and it is a nice path to go in.

Embrace your femininty. Be yourself. Don't fear being who you are.

[GendrKweer]

Of course you know that you don't have to do anything all at once? Talking to a therapist, getting in shape (I think I recall an earlier post mentioning that you wanted to), getting some androgynous clothing... these are all tiny steps you can take without much risk. Even starting a hormone regimen is something you can take one day at a time, and stop any time you want. The effect of the hormones are reversible up to about four months I'd say, meaning if you stop taking them, especially if they were low dose, then you shouldn't have any ill effects. They take YEARS to really work physically, but do provide a lot of emotional/hormonal relief fairly immediately, meaning you can tell if "they're for you" mentally, you know? Doctor's supervision please, of course. Transitioning is a very very long, very expensive thing. But because it cannot happen overnight, you have room to look around before you make things permanent. Being here is a good step too...

[amber1964]

Sometimes people are reluctant to go to a therapist because they think its for those who have mental problems. But an experienced gender therapist works a little different. They can help you sort through your feelings and once you have that part be able to give you practical advice and how to access the care and support you need. It helps avoid a lot of mistakes and wasted time stressing.

My therapist is a truly lovely trans man. He was invaluable to me.