When I first started therapy, even before HRT, it was easy to see how emotionally locked up I was after living in a role for which I was ill-suited. A term that was used was "emotionally calloused," and in the male role, I had no, or was allowed no, outlets. I have a natural empathy. At times it showed. But never outwardly. And that was a huge internal conflict.
After starting estradiol patches, at a very low dose, those callouses began to break up. I am not sure if it was because I was having a mental reckoning with myself, or was more open to my own buried emotions, or that the estrogen opened a "spigot" and the emotions could flow, but there were days when I just sat by myself and cried about the silliest things - when I had not had a good cry in decades.
In retrospect, I think maybe all three things were at work. And another thing that played a role was that I had people here who understood what I was (and am still) going through. I became particularly close to three or four people who I learned to trust - not an easy thing for me. And I could open up, ask questions, share experiences - especially those experiences I found most troubling.
I don't fool myself - I am still an emotional cripple. At times I am all over the place. But to feel is joyous - feeling something, anything, is better than where I was. And that part of me is still evolving. I am coming up on three years when I really started to deeply investigate my gender and emotional issues.
