Internet is back up and I need to rant

[kathyk]

ATT service has been in-and-out for the last 12 hours, and it's finally running full-speed again.

So, JoAnn and I were supposed to be heading for Lake Tahoe last evening, but instead sat around and discussed finances, with an emphasis on how much I'm spending in transition.  Yes she's pissed that I spent nearly $6k on myself for electrolysis, clothing, makeup, and travel costs for various medical appointments.  Driving over 1500 miles, and paying $5 bridge tolls to get places has added up and now she's blaming me for every hardship having to do with money. 

Hey, I took my social security early so it could pay for all these costs.  Yet where's that money going?  Into a joint checking account that I can only access when I'm here in California. 

I give up, and can't wait to get on that plane back to Michigan.   JoAnn thinks I'm preoccupied with transition, and running away from my responsibilities.  Well I know my transition is all-consuming, and it takes up half thoughts during the day.  And maybe I am running away from responsibilities, but there is absolutely no way I can live here anymore.  And there's no way she can stand living with me as a woman.  Plus since we're selling everything, I'll be loosing my place in Michigan next summer, and may end up buying an old mobile home here, and moving into the shed on the family farm when I'm in Michigan.  No loss, I like the farm.

Anyway, this is just a rant.  I'm doing my best to keep my cool about it because we're splitting our ties over an eight month to one year period.  It's just aggravating that I'm constantly being told how much she knows about transition, how dumb I am for doing everything too fast, and how it's wrong to get so much advice from other transwomen.  And of course she can't stand the transwomen I talk to because she thinks we all have issues that cloud our judgment. 

My meds are packed, clothes are ready to go in the suitcase, and I've got some boxes to mail to myself.  Too bad the ticket I bought is for next Friday and not today.

K

[suzifrommd]

A lot of us have been there. Cis people have a hard time understanding how we're driven to do the things we do regardless of expense.

Hang in there. Things are tough now, but expect them to get better.

[kathyk]

A lot of us have been there. Cis people have a hard time understanding how we're driven to do the things we do regardless of expense.

Hang in there. Things are tough now, but expect them to get better.

Thanks Suzi.
It'll get a lot better in seven days.  And we're off to Tahoe in a half hour so today should be nice and friendly.

[Eva Marie]

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. My wife and I are separated now and she recently mentioned divorce so I might soon be following in your footsteps. Stay strong and keep your eye on the target and this will soon just be a bad memory that you have moved past.

[KittyKat]

Sorry to hear you're going through so much stress right now.

[Thylacin]

ATT service has been in-and-out for the last 12 hours, and it's finally running full-speed again.

So, JoAnn and I were supposed to be heading for Lake Tahoe last evening, but instead sat around and discussed finances, with an emphasis on how much I'm spending in transition.  Yes she's pissed that I spent nearly $6k on myself for electrolysis, clothing, makeup, and travel costs for various medical appointments.  Driving over 1500 miles, and paying $5 bridge tolls to get places has added up and now she's blaming me for every hardship having to do with money. 

Hey, I took my social security early so it could pay for all these costs.  Yet where's that money going?  Into a joint checking account that I can only access when I'm here in California. 

I give up, and can't wait to get on that plane back to Michigan.   JoAnn thinks I'm preoccupied with transition, and running away from my responsibilities.  Well I know my transition is all-consuming, and it takes up half thoughts during the day.  And maybe I am running away from responsibilities, but there is absolutely no way I can live here anymore.  And there's no way she can stand living with me as a woman.  Plus since we're selling everything, I'll be loosing my place in Michigan next summer, and may end up buying an old mobile home here, and moving into the shed on the family farm when I'm in Michigan.  No loss, I like the farm.

Anyway, this is just a rant.  I'm doing my best to keep my cool about it because we're splitting our ties over an eight month to one year period.  It's just aggravating that I'm constantly being told how much she knows about transition, how dumb I am for doing everything too fast, and how it's wrong to get so much advice from other transwomen.  And of course she can't stand the transwomen I talk to because she thinks we all have issues that cloud our judgment. 

My meds are packed, clothes are ready to go in the suitcase, and I've got some boxes to mail to myself.  Too bad the ticket I bought is for next Friday and not today.

K

Curious, what part of transitioning is making you have to travel far?

[amber1964]

Sounds like fun. So glad I transitioned when not married. Too much stress when everything is about stress. Only $6,000. Your just getting started baby. I figure a proper transition, completed is minimum closer to $50,000. Thats low end. By the time im finished ill be well over that.

Tell her one of your trans woman friends told you that. I can email her a budget if she wants.

Keep smiling but why you would want to move to michigan shocks this old lady. I live in northern ontario and its so freaking cold.

[kathyk]

Curious, what part of transitioning is making you have to travel far?

Drive 80 miles round trip each week for Group Therapy with my psychiatrist, and again for other medical stuff there every few weeks. Also drive a shorter distance to a nearby town about 4 times a month to see my Therapist and for electrolysis. 

[kathyk]

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. My wife and I are separated now and she recently mentioned divorce so I might soon be following in your footsteps. Stay strong and keep your eye on the target and this will soon just be a bad memory that you have moved past.

Thanks Eva.
From May to early November I lived by myself in Michigan (except for about four weeks when JoAnn and our son were there).  It was kind of a trial separation, but since I told JoAnn I'm leaving her the separation is real.  I'm sure JoAnn can't stand having me around any more than I can stand being here.

[kathyk]

Sounds like fun. So glad I transitioned when not married. Too much stress when everything is about stress. Only $6,000. Your just getting started baby. I figure a proper transition, completed is minimum closer to $50,000. Thats low end. By the time im finished ill be well over that.

Tell her one of your trans woman friends told you that. I can email her a budget if she wants.

Keep smiling but why you would want to move to michigan shocks this old lady. I live in northern ontario and its so freaking cold.

Oh she's pretty up on the expense, but still wants me to cut cost, and it can't be done.  We all know what we "have to do", and I've found a non-trans person will never understand. 

I am getting a lot of medical care at no cost, but the cosmetic cost and personal stuff is all mine.  Wish I could write it all off in taxes.

[kathyk]

Sorry to hear you're going through so much stress right now.

And thanks Kitty.  By the way I'm glad to see you in the Friday weight thing.

[amber1964]

Some cis people understand. Those things you call cosmetic, for us, they are not.

I have a nice friend, poor lady she had a mastectomy. It upset her badly. So she opted for implants and reconstruction, she just didnt feel complete without it. How well I understand that feeling and the consequences of ignoring them.

[Jessica Merriman]

What is it with the money thing? My ex spent tons on clothing, nails, hair, etc., but when I started to it was suddenly an issue. HMMMMM. Sounds very hypocritical, doesn't it. I am with Amber on one thing, she had to option to do those things having no Dysphoria, we don't. Anytime you need to PM Baby I am here.

[kathyk]

Some cis people understand. Those things you call cosmetic, for us, they are not.

I have a nice friend, poor lady she had a mastectomy. It upset her badly. So she opted for implants and reconstruction, she just didnt feel complete without it. How well I understand that feeling and the consequences of ignoring them.

Your friends experience, and your insight into it is something we should remember when talking about how others view our needs to be complete.  It gives me a chance to reconsider my own feelings.

What is it with the money thing? My ex spent tons on clothing, nails, hair, etc., but when I started to it was suddenly an issue. HMMMMM. Sounds very hypocritical, doesn't it. I am with Amber on one thing, she had to option to do those things having no Dysphoria, we don't. Anytime you need to PM Baby I am here.

There's a lot of stress so you may hear from me soon. 

[amber1964]

It wasnt a criticism. Im not the type to be overly sensitive about language. Indeed, most of the surgeries we have are called cosmetic. Some of them are. After all, we are females and no less sensitive to the constant bombardment from the media of perfect women with perfect hair and perfect bodies. So, Im going away for surgeries very soon. Some I must have, without them I wont make it in this life. But Im also having a full face lift (not FFS I like my face) just because I dont mind being my age but dont want to look it. But for others FFS is absolutely essential for there own sense of personal peace or because they dont pass without it and constantly being stared at preys on their mind.

So aint life grand. We have all the issues of those born with female bodies plus a good helping of things about our bodies that just arent very female looking. Some people cope okay with it, others not so much. Im in the not so much category, its just what it is. Hopefully I will get over it, some women end up having 20 or 30 or more surgeries.

Oh yes and of course we also have to deal with the things you are right now. Cis people who think they understand how we feel but dont really. Some things, like being trans, like being pregnant, you have to experience. Not everything can be learned.

[kathyk]

It wasnt a criticism. ...

....Some things, like being trans, like being pregnant, you have to experience. Not everything can be learned.

Oh honey, I'm with you on all of it.  Criticism? Not in my eyes. 

[amber1964]

Im happy to hear that. Im kind of blunt and I havent bothered with the internet for a while. Its a limited way of communicating. In person, no one ever takes anything I say as offense. I vibe off as quiet and gentle and sweet. 100% non confrontational. But thats because my physical presence is there and shows clearly the kind of person I am. On the internet, without that, I just sound blunt and something about the things I say irritate people when I dont mean to.

I got in all kinds of trouble on another thread because I used the word authentic. I volunteer at a shelter and work with young trans women all the time. I use the word authentic all the time and not once has anyone taken offense. I use it, with regards to trans people, in the sense that no trans person can ever be 100% authentically female in every way. Our bodies are different, our brains are different etc etc. Its meant as a protection and they know it because its obvious if you meet me I wouldnt hurt a fly.

Its discouraging to find that this place is the same as the ones I visited years ago. They are even still talking about if real women have penises or not. I really thought we were past all that. Sigh.