So. It's been a whirlwind few months but I'm still smiling! I started E in October and have loved it. Anti androgens for 2 years prior. My endocrinologist is impressed by my progress, but it's still only a short time..... I haven't transitioned at my job but they know, are supportive, and are preparing. I spend at least 50% of my time fully en femme, at least subtly. At home 100%, of course. My close friends complain about my "old lesbian" style. I'm not so girly but am most definitely female. The other half of the time I'm at least a majority femme; people take note (being ma'amed was lovely). My personality is so much nicer now - apart from all of the transition craziness I at least feel emotions like a normal human again. That pleases me more than anything.
I've talked with my work about a public transition mid year. I'm terrified of that prospect and feel like I don't have enough time to learn everything I need to pass! I'm an account executive for my company and specialized in my field. I think I'm going to have to stay in my existing, 100% customer-facing role and my customers will have to know about my transition. Like, ->-bleeped-<-.
Although I've known about "my condition"
for decades i still am hesitant to jump in and move forward. I guess to an outsider it would seem I've jumped in already - in my mind it feels like I am only slowly, grudgingly grinding out every step! But it also feels inevitable. Let's face it, I didn't come this far because I actually liked having to be a guy. This is SO MUCH BETTER.
I consulted with Dr. Sherman Leis this week regarding FFS. He was an absolutely lovely man and I feel exceptionally comfortable with him. I have no doubt he could feminize my face beautifully. My face would pass. I will keep working on my voice and think I will succeed. It's amazing what one can learn about basic fashion to help oneself look decent, at least. That's all comforting.
I know I want to transition 100% I just don't admit it; I always leave myself that "if" out. Stupid non-committal, fear-of-society blah blah blah. Everyone important in my life knows or sorta part knows (I look sort of weird now) including my job where we're already working on transition planning. Like, ->-bleeped-<-.
I'm scared to commit to something as permanent as FFS. Why? The public outing it involves, personally and professionally. I guess that's temporary and fades away but is nonetheless frightening. And facing. my. customers. They're all major, long term customers with whom I must retain a strong relationship to succeed. I work from home so I can transition and recover gradually if needed.
So - this is what happens when I troll the forums and don't post regularly! It all comes out at once! Silly estrogen.
When to schedule my FFS? In 6 months when i transition on the job? Or do it later and have to deal with introducing colleagues and customers to my new face?
Which is a weird concept, anyway. I wish peoples memories could be changed to make them perceive me as female. Then a correction to my face would seem like such a natural thing for me to do. As it is I have unnerved several close people around me with FFS talk. I get that, it IS a little unsettling, but don't they understand how much better it would feel to fit in seamlessly?
I was SO happy after visiting Dr. Leis this week. I don't like it when my happiness is quenched by other people's anxiety, because then it becomes my anxiety.
