When Does/Did The Gender Dysphoria End ?

[Anatta]

I'm still early in my transition, but there is still a great deal of dysphoria.  It's actually getting stronger the more progress I make.  I suspect it's because I'm so sick of waiting and am feeling anxious to be where I'd like to be.  With that said, I'm still in boy mode.  Maybe once I get the courage to start presenting the right way I'll feel a tad less dysphoric. 

Something tells me though that I will always experience gender dysphoria.  There are limitations to my transition and I'll always feel jealous towards cis women to some degree.  This is only a prediction, but I suppose my dysphoria will always pop up when considering things like my past and my inability to get pregnant and some other physical or social difference.

Kia Ora L,

Internalised trans-phobia it would seem is more common/wide spread than some care to mention...The feeling of inadequacy, not up to the mark, not quite reaching what one believe society's G.I.R.L Gender Identity Recognition Level to be, more often than not one sets the bar far too high...

However I think after a while of 'being your true self" things will begin to settle down. we humans (like our mammal cousin the rat) are wired with this uncanny ability to adapt to any given situation which (of course) can sustain life...

Metta Zenda

[amber1964]

I dont suffer from self hatred. That went away early. I like who I am. But I dont like anything about how I look. Dont know why and at my age it cant be fixed. Too long living my old life perhaps. Im more a Nina Arsenault type - I will die from hormone over dose or on the operating table. At least Ill go out fighting, no more suicide attempts or self harming and no desire.

[Tanya W]

I've often thought about this concept in relation to transition. One of the classes I worked in has us reading excerpts from Buddhist texts. And I've wondered if there would be a way to find ourselves less attached to transition-related things. It's sort of hard to say...if we could do that entirely then what would be the purpose of transition?

This is an interesting inquiry, Caleb. One I have given much consideration as a mediator/Buddhist. The question, for me, is: Can my meditative/Buddhist training help me adjust to a dysphoria that, while ever shifting, does not go away?

Not wanting to derail this thread - but recognizing comments in this regard seem relevant - I am going to keep my sense of this brief. If you - or anyone - would like to talk more, perhaps we can start another thread or pm.

So, can my meditative/Buddhist training help me adjust to a dysphoria that does not go away? Yes, this seems the case, but it takes ongoing work in two areas.

First, I must constantly remind myself what 'peace' means in Buddhism - not no more dysphoria (or troubles with rent, illness, partners, etc...), but an ability to rest with this experience. Buddhist teachings do not offer freedom from experience, but instead suggest if we somehow stop fighting so much, we find we can be with/open to experience - in my case, dysphoria. This is peace.

The second line of work addresses the phrase 'if we somehow stop fighting' above. How do we 'somehow stop fighting'? Well, we practice. What do we practice? Meditation. This is what meditation offers: training in resting with life as it is - dysphoria and all.

So can meditation/Buddhism help me with dysphoria? I'll repeat, rephrase, and emphasize: My experience suggests yes. But it takes work that is both a lot and ongoing. I have literally spent thousands of hours practicing, hundreds studying, and still I struggle. So it is not a 'fix', but it does help in a very direct and practical way. 

[amZo]

For me, the further I go, the worse it gets. I expected the opposite. Now, things that didn't matter suddenly trouble me. I am far more critical of my appearance and mannerisms. I feel more exposed. I have not conquered my dysphoria. Every time I think I have overcome something, there is another bigger challenge.

I feel very much the same.

Sometimes I wish I had taken the red pill instead of the blue. Or was it the other way around? Is anyone else tired of Matrix humor?

But I feel I have no choice if I'm ever going to find peace, and that's all I want right now.

[amber1964]

Yeah, I get the matrix thing. Im glad, spectacularly happy that I got to experience life in the real. I wouldnt change any of it. Not even knowing what I know now. Im alive today and that matters. Ultimately we all go, no one gets out alive, its just a question of whether you do it on your own terms or someone elses.

No one will ever tell me what to do ever again.

[Anatta]

I've often thought about this concept in relation to transition. One of the classes I worked in has us reading excerpts from Buddhist texts. And I've wondered if there would be a way to find ourselves less attached to transition-related things. It's sort of hard to say...if we could do that entirely then what would be the purpose of transition?

Kia Ora Calab,

I was going to attempt to answer your question, but then thought "Why try to re-invent the wheel"...So..................

You might also find this thread of interest (especially her first and fifth posts)...Sandra lopez, she's a member and Buddhist practitioner with a way with words (and Buddhist teacher in her own right, even though she's quite modest about her understanding of Buddhism)

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,147834.msg1216646.html#msg1216646

Tanya also makes some good points about meditation and commitment...

Or you could look for a "10 day vipassana workshop" in your area...A deeper 'insight' into your feelings will go along way in helping to come to terms with things...

http://www.dhamma.org/en/

Metta Zenda

[Jill F]

If my GD was absolutely gone today, I would not need to take any further steps to feminize my body.

This makes me sure I'm not cut out to be an androgyne, this much is for sure.  Some people would be happy where I am, me not so much.  It still bothers me bigtime, but not like it did pre-HRT.

At some point I will have crossed that proverbial "finish line", but I don't know where that is exactly.  Therefore, I will keep taking baby steps until the GD no longer has a negative impact on my life.  If I do everything short of GCS and I'm still not there, then I know that's what I'll need to do.

[Ashey]

I don't think it's totally ended for me, but it's been significantly reduced since around the start of this year. I've been feeling confident out in public, gotten a lot of positive affirmation about my appearance from many people, I feel more female than I ever have, and I've been getting a lot of attention from guys. I still have some insecurities that come up sometimes, but not the crippling self-perpetuating doubts that I had pre-transition. All I really have is a few parts of my appearance left to change before I'm satisfied and those things merely take some time. There's nothing there that irks me that's impossible to change. Few more laser sessions on my stubborn upper lip shadow, finding the right makeup, losing more weight to get more clothes, and a few other minor things. Regardless, I'm part-time now and aiming for full-time by March 1st because I'm so much more confident now, and that's probably a good indicator that the worst (as far as dysphoria goes) is likely behind me now.

[amber1964]

Oftne it never ends and it recurs through out your life. No way to know. Dont think you will ever be cured, you wont be. Get used to it.

[Tanya W]

Don't think you will ever be cured, you wont be.

While I personally tend to avoid absolute statements - I'm Canadian; note this inclusion of 'tend' - there seems some cautionary wisdom in this. I can make myself crazy looking for a cure (to just about anything!). Remove this word from my vocabulary and I become much better at allowing my life to be my life, myself to be myself. This does not necessarily mean adopting a 'do nothing' approach, but does involve a very different orientation to everything and anything I do do (do be do).

[Zumbagirl]

I know that the day after my bottom surgery when I woke up from surgery I knew that my life was forever changed. Some people say SRS doesn't matter but it sure cured me. I would say however that it wasn't until many months after my surgery when the hoopla of the surgery and major dilation schedule died down is when my life changed massively for the positive. That's when I really began living a rewarding life and gender problems faded away to nothingness.

[Jill F]

Oftne it never ends and it recurs through out your life. No way to know. Dont think you will ever be cured, you wont be. Get used to it.

I'm so glad we have you to clear this up for all of us who clearly don't know as much as you do.  I think I'll just kill myself now and end my suffering. /sarc

[Anatta]

Oftne it never ends and it recurs through out your life. No way to know. Dont think you will ever be cured, you wont be. Get used to it.

Kia Ora Amber,

A few definitions for "cured"

1. Restoration of health; recovery from disease.
2. A method or course of medical treatment used to restore health.
3. An agent, such as a drug, that restores health; a remedy.
4. Something that corrects or relieves a harmful or disturbing situation

It's quite  possible  some will develop internalised transphobia( one of the many types of gender dysphoria) and have a hard time accepting the birth-sex flaws that come as part of the whole transitioning package(from what I gather, this too can be cured with time, patience and therapy)...But I'm sure many will be cured of the standard issue gender dysphoria ie, "Unhappy with their birth-sex"

Metta Zenda

[Jenna Marie]

For me, like Suzi, dysphoria didn't really seriously manifest until I started transition - and the farther into it I went, the more my dysphoria focused on the remaining aspects. Growing boobs made presenting male 10,000X harder, going part-time except for work made going to work infinitely more painful, and so on.

I finished transition in 11 months... and then spent 2 more years with my dysphoria 100% focused on the last remaining survivor of my previous life, to the point where *then* I couldn't stand to be naked or see myself in the mirror without pants.

The good news is, I woke up from GRS with the dysphoria basically gone. There's still occasional moments of sadness, but it's not the same sort of crippling misery as before, and looking at my breasts and knowing what's NOT lurking in my pants usually cheers me right up.

[TessaMarie]

The vast majority of my dysphoria vanished within 2-3 days of starting estrogen.

Since then it has just become another part of the background noise.

I am on HRT.  I no longer flinch when I see my reflection in the morning.  I am comfortable with my current trans status, and in no great hurry to change it.  I do know change will continue, and am OK with letting that change happen at its own pace and also with dealing with those further changes as & when they occur. 

I still go to a therapist every week because of other concerns.  I spend very little of my appointments with my gender therapist discussing anything directly related to me being trans.

I feel no compelling need to be either 'male' or 'female'.  I have become comfortable with being somewhere in the middle (I wouldn't have been able to say that a year ago).