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Staying in unhappy relationships

Started by Shantel, May 29, 2014, 01:48:10 PM

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Shantel

These are the reasons why people stay in unhappy relationships.

Things are not always what they seem in relationships. For example, the seemingly dependent (or subservient) partner may actually hold the power.



The meek and mild may act anything but angry. This doesn't mean they're not seething inside. Their anger is just expressed differently.


Verbalized or not, anger always goes somewhere.



The partner who does most everything is the Power Player. Whenever there's an uneven distribution of jobs within the relationship, the not-so-active partner is dependent upon the other—the one who runs the household, controls the finances, disciplines the children, organizes family events, decides on vacations, etc. (And when you know where everything is—important documents, account IDs, passwords—your partner is lost without you.) Dependent people are angry people.

Partners develop patterns or "agreements." This becomes unhealthy when the purpose of those patterns or unspoken agreements is to enable or hide dysfunctional habits, such as infidelity, overspending, or substance abuse.


Whenever there is ongoing conflict, there is underlying agreement. Adults are willing participants in partnerships. And as unhealthy as relationships may be, there are ulterior gains for both parties.

Common reasons cited for staying together include: the kids, finances, time invested, the shame of splitting up, and religion, among others, but the bigger issue can be that a partner believes he or she deserves to be maltreated.

Once you internalize the message that you don't deserve emotional abuse, the stage is set for change. You will eventually develop a healthy ego, and learn to say no. In time, you will realize that no amount of social status, material possessions, or external pressure justifies your unhappiness.

Dysfunctional agreements mean both parties are complicit and secretive. If the truth is buried, reality is a lie, and in order to keep the lie alive, both partners have to continuously lie.



Lying creates shame and guilt, which leads back to anger. This can be anger at yourself for not upholding your values, or anger at your partner for not changing their unhealthy habits. And when you project anger onto your partner, you not only gain temporary relief—you don't have to experience it for yourself.



Emotionally healthy people learn to tolerate, accept, and control their anger.
Once anger is acknowledged in all its forms (hidden and overt) and anger management tools are in place, you are ready to walk away.



The ultimate reason for taking the solo plunge? You are no longer afraid to be left alone with your anger.
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Ms Grace

Another reason cited, although seemingly incomprehensible in abusive relationships, is that the abused "loves" the abuser and/or hopes they will change. Maybe it has more to do with a fear of being alone or not wanting to admit/believe they've made a mistake, but the "love" reason is commonly given.
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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Shantel

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 29, 2014, 03:27:10 PM
Another reason cited, although seemingly incomprehensible in abusive relationships, is that the abused "loves" the abuser and/or hopes they will change. Maybe it has more to do with a fear of being alone or not wanting to admit/believe they've made a mistake, but the "love" reason is commonly given.

Sadly until they get beat to death! However the article really crosses a lot of thresholds, marriages, partners, moms and dads, siblings, "friends", employers and associates. Some people don't know enough to call it quits, cut and run before it's too late and continue to take the bludgeoning, browbeating and emotional assaults feeling that it's their duty and is expected of them to. take it
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Hikari

I probably take a sense of loyalty too far. I just always want people to change for the better, even when I don't think they actually will, but I try to maintain such a relationship out of a sense that not doing so would be disloyal, and I feel guilty for believing they won't actually change for the better because that admission is it's own form of disloyalty.

This is one of the biggest reasons why it takes me a long time to get close to someone because I know once I am close to them, I am going to feel an obligation to keep things going no matter what. This all makes me wonder, do I have a problem?
15 years on Susans, where has all the time gone?
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Shantel

Quote from: Hikari on May 29, 2014, 06:09:16 PM
I probably take a sense of loyalty too far. I just always want people to change for the better, even when I don't think they actually will, but I try to maintain such a relationship out of a sense that not doing so would be disloyal, and I feel guilty for believing they won't actually change for the better because that admission is it's own form of disloyalty.

This is one of the biggest reasons why it takes me a long time to get close to someone because I know once I am close to them, I am going to feel an obligation to keep things going no matter what. This all makes me wonder, do I have a problem?

Could be honey, you'll have to be the one to decide that. One of the problems we all have is what you see at Facebook [LIKE] everyone wants to be liked and it has almost become a societal obligation to like everyone and we've been brainwashed with it and the idea that discrimination is somehow an evil thing. Well I don't like people who make themselves unlikeable and I am discriminating about who I associate with. I do this for my own protection and peace of mind, somehow we all need to have a balance concerning who and what we like and don't like and how much crap we will put up with before we pull the plug on any relationship with potential abusers.
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Ltl89

I've had some abusive relationships (non-romantic) in my life.  Honestly, the hierarchy that I grew up with was that I was always wrong and needed to make things right.  I guess after going through some things, I've learned to say sorry even when getting treated like garbage.  I had to make people like me and do what I could to please them.  This has led to some people taking serious advantage of me, but no matter what I will feel sad if people don't like me.  I have to win their affection or at least minimize their potential to hurt me.   That's my whole explanation for why I put up with some things in the past even if it doesn't make much sense.  I like to think my decision to transition and be true to myself has been a big step out of this mentality despite it's hold on me.

Good post.  I'm sure many people can relate with this in different ways and we've all dealt with this to some degree.  It actually resonated with me in a big way with something I'm going through right now.
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Shantel

Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2014, 06:45:03 PM
I've had some abusive relationships (non-romantic) in my life.  Honestly, the hierarchy that I grew up with was that I was always wrong and needed to make things right.  I guess after going through some things, I've learned to say sorry even when getting treated like garbage.  I had to make people like me and do what I could to please them.  This has led to some people taking serious advantage of me, but no matter what I will feel sad if people don't like me.  I have to win their affection or at least minimize their potential to hurt me.   That's my whole explanation for why I put up with some things in the past even if it doesn't make much sense.  I like to think my decision to transition and be true to myself has been a big step out of this mentality despite it's hold on me.

Good post.  I'm sure many people can relate with this in different ways and we've all dealt with this to some degree.  It actually resonated with me in a big way with something I'm going through right now.

I know and have read similar comments that you have made and let me say that your attitude is so much similar to that of many cis women. I can't tell you how many times I have bumped into a woman, or a woman has done something socially inept by accident and then has turned and apologized to me when it wasn't even warranted in any way. I think it's ingrained in women to want to be seen as nice, at least up until they have been dumped on by a man too many times and come into menopause, but that's a different story.
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helen2010

Shantel

An interesting cut on anger.  I suspect that there are many themes and many takes on this subject.  Anger and its polar opposite - love also drive decisions.  In fact lack of confidence, low self worth, and poor decision making skills will also cause inertia.  Inertia may itself be due to fear or a sense of obligation.  Frankly it really doesn't matter.  For a healthy individual who stays in an unhappy relationship they need to be aware that it is their choice to do so and that they have the power to leave or to reshape that relationship.  Accepting and owning this decision to stay or to go is to be present and to accept that you are responsible for authoring your life and are owning this particular experience.

Aisla
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Felix

I stayed in some bad relationships when I was younger, and didn't understand that getting hit or made fun of was abnormal. When it happens gradually, it's hard to even notice that what a loved one is doing isn't okay. You get wrapped up in a world with rules that only look irrational or unfair in hindsight.

I'm not sure why you brought this up, but it's an issue I still think about a lot. I've heard a lot of domestic violence and arguments from my neighbors, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've gotten death threats from men when I called the police, and I've been confronted by two separate guys (different tenants, years apart) who thought I was hiding their girlfriends even when I never spoke to the women in question. When I try to discuss this kind of thing with outsiders or police I'm usually told that it's the woman's fault for not leaving. It can't be that simple.

Now I know to leave any boyfriend who hits me (or screams or belittles me or anything else that feels unsafe), but I still get hit and screamed at a lot. My child has violent, toddlerish meltdowns. I work really hard to try to remain capable of showing affection afterward. She doesn't usually remember what she's done. I can't tell her that when she hurts me it's like reliving the times that other people hurt me. There have been times where I broke down and tried to explain it to her, but she didn't understand. She can't manage that level of context, and it's grownup problems anyhow, not her fault.

But still. Dealing with this on an ongoing basis means I have to somehow come to terms with the fact that romantic relationships can get horrific. People who seem good and kind can behave deeply unethically. People can get tangled up with one another in bad ways. I have to accept that as part of just how things are, and then figure out how to keep my feelings about that separate from my feelings about the behavior of children and the developmentally disabled.

I am proud that I have been able to detach from the most dangerous people who have come through my life, family included. Being overly loyal is a weakness of mine just like Hikari. My kid gets a pass because she's my kid, but I've worked hard to recognize when what feels like integrity isn't being reciprocated. Some humans are simply not worth suffering for.
everybody's house is haunted
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big kim

Been there lots of times.I think in my case I never wanted to be alone in case anyone thought I was gay(a big deal in 70s/80s UK) and I always thought if I met the right girl I would no longer have gender dysphoria.The worst time was when I had 3 years as a punch bag because I though I didn't deserve any better and she told me no one else would want me because I was boring,ugly,useless rubbish.
Oddly enough she helped me a great deal in my early outings as Kim by putting my hair in a French braid or putting it up and helping me choose eye shadow that suited me.
I've just about given up on ever having a LTR(it wouldn't bother me if it was with a man or woman)  as I'm probably too damaged I don't want to hook up for 1 night flings.
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Shantel

Quote from: Felix on May 31, 2014, 02:08:29 AM
I'm not sure why you brought this up, but it's an issue I still think about a lot.

I brought this up because it's my firm belief that that no-one needs to be treated like a doormat or to treat others that way without a lot of introspection and ferreting out the causes and motives behind that kind of behavior, usually there is some anger or resentment simmering beneath the surface of people's lives that has gone on unaddressed and it can wreak havoc in our own life if we ignore it.

The last year of my working life I took a lesser job in retail so that I would not have to travel and could get counseling for PTSD issues. During that time I had to suck it up and take lots of crap from certain customers. On one particular day shortly after reading about a young woman with a new baby on her lap and two little girls at her side whose husband had just been killed in Iraq, I drove frantically to get to work on time. This woman's loss being a deja vu moment for me having been in an equally nasty proxy war years earlier. Once at work I found myself to be the only person available to help close to 14 irritated toe tapping customers only to be abused by a big Russian man who was extremely demanding and overbearing about some windows and doors. I told him to wait his turn, but he continued to be rude and loudly insistent, finally I told him that I was going to shove his windows and doors up his ass. An hour later I was back home, having been terminated by the employer.

After a lengthy session with my counselor sorting out the reasons for my explosive behavior I learned that I still had a lot of unresolved anger about the Vietnam War, and what had happened to the poor woman I had read about had triggered that anger. The second trigger was the arrogant self importance of the toe tapping impatient customers and the fact that management didn't see fit to have sufficient help on hand. The third trigger that caused the detonation of my explosive response to the Russian was couched in the fact that not too many years previously our two nations were ready to annihilate each other and I resented his treatment of me after being welcomed into the freedom we have in this country only to act like a complete ass.

There are times like these in each of our lives where we need to step back and take a deep breath and try to maintain our serenity and once the storm has passed we can take the time to consider what precipitated it and what we could do to alter any such future scenarios from reoccurring.
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