I think I've finally figured it out. But now I'm crapping myself!

[Natalia]

I think know what you mean.

I feel almost completely female, but as I have grow as a boy, I also have masculine traits and some are not unwanted. I think there is no problem about being a woman with some masculinity. I just don't want to be a feminine boy or keep trying to live as a masculine boy anymore. Anyway, I doubt there are many girls out here that are 100% feminine. There is not such a thing.

I hope things go well with your mom. I am trying to figure out how to tell mine. There are days where I feel so anxious that I almost end telling her...just be cautious and perhaps you might give a look on the forum section coming out of the closet.

I'm only one year older than you and I am also almost all the time inside my home, behind my computer screen...I almost never go out and when I do I don't feel too confortable around other people. There is something wrong because we shouldn't be this way. We need to learn how to enjoy life and get out of this shell. I am sure you'll solve this with your mom.

Good luck!

[Cindy]

Oh I'm so jealous!

I fought the rearguard until I was 59.

If only.................

Go for it girls, take control of your lives and live as you deserve.

Happy women with a life of fun and joy

[GendrKweer]

You also realize you can stay androgynous for longer than you think, or even insist on it consciously permanently. It's called, well, genderqueer, or gender->-bleeped-<- ...do some searches on google; it might be a good transition for your transition as it were, or perhaps your end desire even...

[musicofthenight]

I've already started getting family on my back for 'looking upset' wanting to know why I wasn't hungry, or talking, etc.

...

I've had to do this. I can already feel myself trying to cover this all up, looking for an exit.

This actually explains a lot, and it's something I struggle with too.

When the people close to you, the people you love and respect, are not the kind of people you feel you can trust with your fear, your frustration, your regret, or your sadness, it becomes awfully painful to feel those things.

That's why I try so hard not to.  And I'm so used to burying those feelings that now I even hide them from myself.

And the really tragic part of this is it isn't usually fueled by malice.  Sure, it could be and kids of abusive parents really struggle with this particular problem.  But more often family members mean well.  They don't want you to hurt, ever.  And you get stuck without a good way to say, "No, sometimes I need to be confused and scared and sad and not know exactly why or how to fix it.  And I need you to wait until I'm ready for help before jumping in."

So, you have to say it.


And also, I think listing for yourself the parts you do know, even though they're not everything, is a very good strategy.


Best of luck.

[GendrKweer]

As regards RLE, I'm here to tell you that's been changed. The new guidelines allow therapists certainly but even SRS surgeons to perform without real life experience if you have a good reason. In my case, I got an exemption because where I lived at the time (think behind the iron curtain) made it extremely dangerous for me if there was even a few % chance of being outed. But as a therapy for a legitimate disorder (gender dysphoria), I needed the treatment up to and including SRS. SO the therapist will be able to prescribe HRT without any RLE, guaranteed. Just go and talk to them, ask a bunch of questions, and you might be surprised how much better you feel...

[amber1964]

Just go, its nothing. Dont think so much. Lighten up a little, life isnt ending, its starting.

[Joan]

My biggest issue is that there is zero chance in hell that I could step outside as a girl, without first having started HRT. Which is a bit of a problem right there given that from what I understand, the NHS require something like 1 year of RLE before they will consider starting HRT, which frankly seems idiotic :/

You might be surprised at what you can actually. I went from 'what if they don't think I'm a woman?' to 'so what if they think I'm not a woman?' to 'Taht person saw me as a woman!' in a fairly short space of time. And I am large and overweight and I struggle to cover my beard, and have been on HRT for exactly 5 days. Most people don't care much one way or the other anyway.

If you go out and it feels right, then after that it doesn't seem to matter so much. I never ever thought I'd be able to god out the door in a skirt, but now it just feels normal.

[Phoenix_2812]

ConfusedHumanUK, I think you and I are quite alike, apart from our ages, I'm 5 years older, but I've experienced pretty much everything you've said so far. I'm also in the UK, the south, to be precise. I've been thinking for some time now that I really ought to start talking to a gender therapist. I worry that I might not come across as feminine enough to be considered for HRT, which would be a MAJOR downer. I mean, people on this forum have said countless times that "only you can tell if you are transgendered or not", or something to that effect, but it really annoys me that we have to jump through all these silly little hoops just to get things going anywhere.

I think my earliest memory of my life being different to all the other boys was when I was 6, that would have been 1989. I was living in a foster home and for some reason, I thought my dressing gown would make a good skirt. So I took the waist tie and tied it round my waist and then put the dressing gown under and over it and straightened it out to make it look neat and tidy. I seem to remember having one eye on what i was doing and the other on my bedroom door. I was terrified at the idea of someone walking in and seeing me dressed up as a woman. I'm certain that if I was caught, I'd have been made to go to school like that!! The people I lived with at that time were pretty strict and I knew this was something I had to keep to myself, at least until the time was right. In the last couple of years, I've thought about telling my mum and/or my sister about how I've been feeling, but there is a part of me that worries that they wont understand or believe me. My sister is 2 years older than me and she has kids of her own and I worry that if all this comes out one day, what affect will it have on them?! I'm one of these people who thinks a hell of a lot about other people's feelings before expressing my own. It's served me well up to now, but something still isn't right.

I hope one day that I will overcome the fear inside and just say "to hell with it", but until then, it is my burden to carry. It is difficult to judge other people's reactions sometimes. You have to decide who to tell and what to tell them. Telling the wrong person can muddy the waters and disrupt friendships/family, so one has to be really careful. I feel my time is quickly approaching. Part of that is due to this feeling I have that tells me that this life can't possibly go on. I get suicidal thoughts from time to time and I can't tell if it's to do with me being unemployed or me having problems with how I see myself. One thing IS certain, I see myself as u-g-l-y. So much so, that I avoid mirrors and reflections like the plague.

I truly hope all goes well with you and your mum. It does kind of make sense telling her first, doesn't it? Just be honest, not just to her, but yourself. If this is trully what you want, it will feel right.

Take care and all the best.

[Phoenix_2812]

I was the same. I was pretty much a hermit, still am, actually. Football was probably, and still is, my least favourite sport of all time. I've often had that feeling that I liked a girl or woman for reasons OTHER than sexually. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt sexual feelings towards either in the past. I'm what some, or most, would call a virgin. It's not something that bothers me, not one bit. Having "those" feelings towards a girl or woman has always felt wrong. Then again, I don't feel that way about boys or men. I have noticed a more feminine feeling while around men, one that I can only describe as atraction, but I could never see myself having a relationship, other than family, with a man. At one point in my journey of discovery, I looked at sexuallity and after looking really deep, I came to the conclusion that I might actually be a-sexual, because there isn't any real feeling beyond atraction towards either sex/gender. As for wanting to be a woman, it's not something I've really ever thought of, either. I've just known for some time, deep down inside, that something was wrong with how I felt while around other people. Some say they feel like an alien sometimes because they feel like they don't fit in. That's what it's been like for me for most of my life.

Fuzzy just about sums it up. It also sums up how I see my future in my current form. My future as a woman, on the other hand, looks less bleak and more focused. I often feel like I'm holding back, for some reason. I'm supressing my inner self and it's making me feel depressed/really unhappy and taking up a lot of energy that could really be put to better use. I really want to express my other side, but it just wouldn't look right in this body.