Waking up on the Wrong Side of the Bed

[Travestydearest]

I am not really sure how these forums are supposed to function, but I have struggled with gender identification (and sexuality, but I don't even want to begin to think about that) for a long time. So, I decided that it was time to reach out and find some sort of social community that shared in my genderqueer status. I know that the typical advice for someone who is struggling with gender identification is to go and see a gender therapist. I can't do that, I have actually tried. I clam up, forget how to use words, and basically have a full out anxiety attack because I am afraid of judgement. I then usually spin myself a little cocoon of lies and hide in it until I simply decided to stop going to therapy all together. But, this is an Internet forum tailored to my type of people. Even if anyone did get judgemental (which I highly doubt) I wouldn't have to see a face so I wouldn't care. Anyway, this will likely be long so buckle up, or don't read it. Typing it out will help anyway. (Though I am typing it out for the SECOND time because my iPad hates me, yeah I said iPad. So I don't know if it will help the second time)

I am going to be doing this backwards (because I do everything backwards) and start with the present and go backward. Hi there, I'm Travesty, and I am genderqueer. I think I am bi-gendered, but I am not entirely sure; hence why I am here. "Waking up on the wrong side of the bed" is kind of the best way to describe how I feel some mornings. Some mornings are fine. I get up and go about my day looking and feeling the gender I was born with: female. Other mornings are not so fine. I wake up and see my reflection and wonder who the hell that chick is who is staring back at me. It sure as hell isn't me. At least, it's not how I feel that I should look. These are normally the mornings where I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I don't, though. Well, not usually.

This morning was one of those mornings. Not one that I cried, no. But one where I wondered why I had to have female reproductive organs. Again, I didn't/don't look how I feel. I am very obviously feminine; wide hips, feminine facial features, fairly large (32 D-ish) breasts. So, unmistakably female. Because of this I very rarely try to express as a male, though I would like to. Most of my male expression adventures involved a lot of wrapping, taping, stuffing, and, eventually, giving up and crawling back into bed and staying there for the remainder of the day. Those adventures are from the first time I decided to explore my gender identity, though; a lot has changed since then. Hips got wider, breasts got bigger. Lovely.

I tried again today, though. Now, I don't know if it was because I woke up male(sounds strange, don't care, accurate descriptor) or because I woke up lazy; either way it was a feeble attempt at male expression that happened to work. All I did was throw on a way-too-big, very baggy shirt (<read 'frumpy mini dress') and a toque. Not nearly as fashionable as most of my attempts, so it was probably more provoked by the laziness than the maleness. I felt like I looked a bit more male, though. This feeling was confirmed when I arrived at school (a lovely career college with a wide variety of ages, races, etc). One of the women who I sometimes talk to looked at me and said "what the f*** are you supposed to be? You look like a boy!" It was said quite callously, but I think she meant it to come across as a joke. Not really sure. Either way, it made me happy. No one had ever said that I looked like a boy before, and I really liked it.

So, really, today could have been counted as a good day. It turned bad, of course. However that was because of a sexuality matter and I am not touching that right now, like I said. Anyway, I should probably mention that I have a 17 month old daughter who was conceived (not planned at all) during my first attempt at exploring my gender identity. I abandoned the exploration because I obviously couldn't be male if I was pregnant; I tried not to allow myself to feel male at all. Then, after I had her I was a mommy. Society states that mommy's are women and daddy's are men. Naive concept, I know, but it made me convince myself that I had to be a female, and only a female. However, I am a single parent, so doesn't that make me a daddy as well?

Her bio daddy is bi-gendered too. I met him when I was eighteen. It could have been my first functional (sexual) relationship. If life hadn't gotten in the way, that is. He was still in love with his ex, but I didn't really mind. He accepted me for all that I am (and that's a lot of all, trust me) and said that he loved me. That was good enough for me. I was undoubtedly in love with him. I think I still might be, though I might just be in love with the idea of him. We fit so well together; I was able to love him no matter which gender I felt that I was. Then I got pregnant and that was the end of that. I don't blame him for walking away, not at all. He wasn't parent material.

Before I met my kids dad I drifted from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship, trying to keep myself convinced that I was solely female. This was high school and judgement was everywhere. So I hand picked the biggest, manliest (often quite a bit older) guys that I could find. 'Cuz, if I'm going to fem it up I may as well go all out, right? I have yet to have a heterosexual relationship (that lasted more than a month) where I haven't been cheated on. I blame on the fact that they're straight, even though I know it's cynical and untrue. The only other thing I can blame it on is me, and that just sucks. Though, it's probably true. I am pretty sure that people can sense when you are sleeping with them even though you aren't attracted to them. It probably even offends them a bit. But, I digress, we are stepping back into sexuality territory now.

Previous to high school I dated (almost) strictly women. There were a few very pretty boys thrown in too, but it was junior high so nothing really meant anything anyway. Pretending I was a lesbian (this sexuality talk is crucial to the story, therefore allowable) made my life simpler, though. I am attracted to women, sometimes. So it was feasible. Anyway, this was when I met Darla(may or may not be a real name, I am cryptic like that) and entered into my actual most functional (though mostly non sexual) relationship. I know that I am still in love this time; with the person not the idea of said person. We broke up in grade 10 because I wanted to see what dating a guy would be like. Stupidest thing I ever did. Anyway, as I began exploring my gender identity later on in live I felt it was strange that a lesbian relationship had been so functional. Don't know why I felt it was strange, just did. This feeling prompted me to get back in touch with Darla, though he goes by 'Angel' now. (That's right, Angel references. Not real names.) I can still very honestly say that I am in love with him, though.

Now, this provokes the question: "Travesty, why aren't you just talking to 'Angel' about this rather than strangers?" I'd love to, but can't. He is good friends with my kids dad. Small world, right? I shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, can't and won't venture down that road to ruin. My brain and heart are confused enough, I really don't need to throw a (possibly more than 'a') person(people) that I am in love with into the mix. I saw 'Angel' once while I was pregnant and that was already way too much. Though that may have been the hormones.

Anyway. Time to wrap this up. Elementary is hazy for me, but what I remember of it was spent wishing I would turn into a boy. At one point I probably thought it was actually possible. My earliest memory (I was about four) is of playing 'doctor' with a boy from my neighbourhood. I think that's normal, right? Never mind. I remember asking why he got a penis and I didn't. Of course, I likely called it a 'wee wee' or some such, and it was probably just one of the darnedest things that kids say. On days like today, though, that question rings true. Because, unfortunately, that's what I want: a penis. Having breasts isn't really what bothers me, it's the uterus and internal sexual organs. The uterus did build me one damn cute kid, so I can't really hate it that much. I also know that I will never have a penis, so the desire doesn't matter. But, it will always be there. Well, on 'boy Travesty' days.

I have gone back and forth on getting a double mastectomy, but then there is the fear of hating my body when I am 'girl Travesty.' Because, for whatever reason, I am obsessed with them when I feel like a female. Can't please everyone, right? Then, of course, there is the cost. That is a pretty penny, I'll tell you that. Seeing as I am a college student, living on my own, surviving off of student loans and grants and a single parent I don't think I would be able to afford it for a long time.

Anyway, there is it. If you read it, awesome! If you didn't, well you won't be reading this either so I really don't have to say anything. It would be pretty cool to hear feedback/stories about how other people feel about being any kind of genderqueer, and how other people overcame their body issues. Hell, even a 'hey, man, it's going to be okay' would be pretty great. Anything would be appreciated.

-Travesty

[LordKAT]

Hi Travesty, Welcome to Susan's.

It is often easier to type and sort your thoughts. If you ever feel strong enough to try therapy again, you could either type what you want to say/ask about and take it with you or you could try online therapy. Either way is valid and a good therapist will work with your fears.

Some people who feel as you do, get relief with low dose HRT. If you choose this route, be aware that you will get all the effects, just likely at a slower rate. Informed consent is a possibility but first be sure that is where you want to be.

While you are sorting all this out in your mind, feel free to read and join in where ever catches your interests.

[Lara the Lover and the Fighter]

I think I was in a similar position except the opposite (M2F). Then I started a low dose of HRT.  Then I wanted more!  Now I'm planning on going full time ASAP!  It was HRT that helped me take the total plunge into M2F.  Still, some people get going on HRT and realize that they never want to be the opposite gender.  Its nothing like what they were expecting. 

I think that baby steps lead to large distances.  Chatting it up with us, people who have experienced many similar things as you, will help you open up a bit.  Just knowing that we exist and we are just like you, beautiful and unique, will give you more confidence than you know.  Theres no rush for these things and no handbook that tells you exactly what to do in your life.  You write the rules.  Personally, I can't wait to see which direction you go in. 

[ativan]

Hey Travesty!
Kat is very right and Just Lara couldn't put it better.
There is a pretty large group of people who fall into this section, there are FTM and MTF who identify here, also.
There is getting to be quite a bit of overlap in 'categories' for a lot of people, which is just fine.
The more you find out, the more questions you're going to also come up with.
I see you've already looked back at the 30 day topic, so I assume you are also looking back at other topics.
Lots of really good threads and a lot of questions are answered there as well as bringing up some excellent views from people about their gender and sexuality.
Look into the wiki here for even more info that may be helpful.
The more you learn, the easier it will be to open up to a gender therapist.
That's a matter of knowing what to ask, as well as tell about yourself.
Low dose HRT is something to think about, a lot of people refer to it as quieting the noise, or stopping the rage.
It can help to settle dysphoria (the noise) quite a bit for most people.
It is also very much a gateway that some have found, to move more towards FTM and MTF.
It's one of those things that pretty much applies either way, regardless of your assigned gender at birth.
Just know that you are in good hands with the people you're going to meet here for as long as you want to be here.
Hopefully you'll get so used to it that you'll be handing out advice to those who are new and questioning their gender as well.
Everyone is different, yet so much the same in a lot of ways.
So don't be afraid to ask questions, you're at the right place for that.
Look around and have some fun while you're here.
We're all looking forward to hearing more from you.
Ativan

[VeronicaLynn]

Do your dreams affect which side you wake up on?

I seem to have a lot of dreams about my past, when I was still fully identifying as male, instead of gender fluid as I do now. When I do, it flips me to male and I tend to stay that way for awhile...

Not all dreams are remembered either, when you wake up, I tend to think that dreams are the main reason one can go to bed feeling one gender and wake up feeling another.

I overcome most of my body issues by adopting an androgynous style all the time, and totally rocking it, well, some of the time. Getting compliments on it and having people stare at me in a good way feels really good.

As for the private part stuff, I think it's important to remember that men and women are not as different as the pro-binary people make them out to be. A few things are different sizes, and theres a few flaps of skin that are closed vs open, and a few things moved a few inches. That's really it. There's a few functional differences too, but these too are minor. The pro-binary people want to make there be two distinct groups of people, when there's really lots of people that fit neither of these groups...

[Travestydearest]

I think I was in a similar position except the opposite (M2F). Then I started a low dose of HRT.  Then I wanted more!  Now I'm planning on going full time ASAP!  It was HRT that helped me take the total plunge into M2F.  Still, some people get going on HRT and realize that they never want to be the opposite gender.  Its nothing like what they were expecting.

The more you learn, the easier it will be to open up to a gender therapist.
That's a matter of knowing what to ask, as well as tell about yourself.
Low dose HRT is something to think about, a lot of people refer to it as quieting the noise, or stopping the rage.
It can help to settle dysphoria (the noise) quite a bit for most people.
It is also very much a gateway that some have found, to move more towards FTM and MTF.
It's one of those things that pretty much applies either way, regardless of your assigned gender at birth.

First off, thank you all. ^^ This is definitely not something that I could have continued keeping to myself, so it great to have people to talk to. Low dose HRT is most likely going to be the best idea for me. Even if I decide not to go through the entire FtM transition process I would like to 'play down' my femininity by quite a lot; become more androgynous in appearance at the very least. I also found out today that the only Gender Therapist who works with transsexual/transgendered people in my entire province (which, for those who don't know, is kind of like a state, only in Canada) happens to live in the same city that I live in. He also works at the hospital that is three blocks from my house. So, me being me, I kind of took that knowledge as a sign that I should get over myself and get a referral to meet with him. The waiting period to see him is anywhere from three months to a year, but I am definitely going to be setting up an appointment at some point in the future. Then my only issue will be figuring out how to come out to my family with this. Not looking forward to that at all. >.>

Do your dreams affect which side you wake up on?

I seem to have a lot of dreams about my past, when I was still fully identifying as male, instead of gender fluid as I do now. When I do, it flips me to male and I tend to stay that way for awhile...

Not all dreams are remembered either, when you wake up, I tend to think that dreams are the main reason one can go to bed feeling one gender and wake up feeling another.

I overcome most of my body issues by adopting an androgynous style all the time, and totally rocking it, well, some of the time. Getting compliments on it and having people stare at me in a good way feels really good.

As for the private part stuff, I think it's important to remember that men and women are not as different as the pro-binary people make them out to be. A few things are different sizes, and theres a few flaps of skin that are closed vs open, and a few things moved a few inches. That's really it. There's a few functional differences too, but these too are minor. The pro-binary people want to make there be two distinct groups of people, when there's really lots of people that fit neither of these groups...

I am not sure if my dreams affect it. I have never even thought about that before, actually. Now that you have mentioned it, though, I am going to make a point to pay attention to this. I do know that I am most often male in my dreams, though it is a very feminine male. Basically, in my dreams I look the way I  would after the FtM transition, except for the fact that 'dream me' was actually born a male. I think it's probably my subconscious' way of showing me what to expect (other than the being born a male thing) if I were to transition fully. Of course, I've been dreaming like this for years; so I used to dissociate from 'dream me' and pretend that he was a completely separate person from myself.

As I said above, at the very least I would like to adopt a more androgynous look. Even that will be difficult with how feminine I am, so it going to be difficult to look less obviously-female without strictly wearing clothing that I swim in. Don't really want to do that; it looks sloppy like I have stopped caring about myself, when really I have just begun actually caring about myself. I also own almost only female clothing, so that doesn't help. Suppose I will have to go shopping.

I also know that the differences between genders isn't very large. Hell, I used to preach that fact all the time. Nothing about gender (physically, mentally or emotionally) or sexuality are fixed into specific groups, they all have wide, fluid spectrums. I know that. Yet, the fact that I am not 'actually anatomically male' still bothers me most days. I can't begin to explain the logic of my brain, because there really isn't any.