How to Know if Your Date is Transgendered

[BunnyBee]

I could have gone through this day without reading this thread.  That would have been nice if that happened.

[LordKAT]

I don't think I would want to be near someone who is more interested in figuring out if I am trans or not than in finding out if we share hobbies or movies or other various interests.

[Michelle-G]

How about a 100% heterosexual guy who's into ciswomen only? Who's not necessarily 'homophobe' because of his natural sexual preference?

How does sexual preference figure into this?  If he prefers women he prefers women.  Whether they are cis or trans is irrelevant, unless he's concerned with plumbing.  And I can understand that he may have a preference for vaginal sex and prefers to date someone who's not pre-op, but sexual preference has nothing to do with anyone's gender identity.

Oh, and broaching the sexual preference issue pretty much guarantees that terms related to LGBT politics will eventually be used.  Sorry.

Who might have a childwish with a ciswoman?

Then the issue here is that he wants to have kids of his own with a mate who can bear them.  Thus, he'd reject a ciswoman who could not conceive as well.  It may sound like I'm splitting hairs, but let's say what we mean, OK?

Again, cis or trans is still not an issue; it's a matter of female fertility.

Calling someone like that a 'closet homophobe' is.....heterophobe.

Maybe.  But from your previous post I get the feeling that the issue here is not the woman's gender identity but her body configuration.  Unless it's that childbearing thing or that preference for a certain sexual ACT (as opposed to a sexual orientation) then it's most likely penis-related (and it's most likely his problem with hers), and he either does not recognize her gender or he has unresolved questions about her (or his, or both) sexual orientation.  Apply whatever description that makes you comfortable.

[Nero]

Calling someone like that a 'closet homophobe' is.....heterophobe.

Maybe.  But from your previous post I get the feeling that the issue here is not the woman's gender identity but her body configuration.  Unless it's that childbearing thing then it's most likely penis-related, and that means he either does not recognize her gender or he has unresolved questions about her (or his, or both) sexual orientation.  Apply whatever description that makes you comfortable.

Agreed. I agree that everyone has a right to want or not want whomever for whatever reason. And as painful as it may be for trans people - a lot of times we physically don't approximate the male or female ideal. For instance, I'm short and most women prefer tall men. And I understand about genital preference.

But I think the main reason a straight guy would reject a beautiful, feminine trans woman (that he would otherwise date if she was cis) would be due to hang-ups and fears. That's where the 'trap' meme comes in. Since I've been living as a guy, I've had guys ask me stuff like 'hey what would you do if I introduced you to a really hot chick but she... wasn't really a chick! Would you hold it against me?'

I had mixed feelings about the article. I think it tried to be respectful and could possibly be helpful if someone who really has a problem dating us ran across it, but somehow it still left a bad taste in my mouth. Women's bodies are scrutinized enough. The last thing they (cis or trans) need is for their dates to be scouring their bodies for traces of masculine features. I think the tips offered would make anyone cis or trans very self-conscious if their date was doing that.

[ThePhoenix]

But I think the main reason a straight guy would reject a beautiful, feminine trans woman (that he would otherwise date if she was cis) would be due to hang-ups and fears. That's where the 'trap' meme comes in. Since I've been living as a guy, I've had guys ask me stuff like 'hey what would you do if I introduced you to a really hot chick but she... wasn't really a chick! Would you hold it against me?'

Geesh.  I never had this come up during my try-to-be-a-guy years.  Is this something men commonly discuss or even think about?

I had mixed feelings about the article. I think it tried to be respectful and could possibly be helpful if someone who really has a problem dating us ran across it, but somehow it still left a bad taste in my mouth. Women's bodies are scrutinized enough. The last thing they (cis or trans) need is for their dates to be scouring their bodies for traces of masculine features. I think the tips offered would make anyone cis or trans very self-conscious if their date was doing that.

I have mixed feelings because it does feed the deceptive/top trap meme.  But I've been reading things like this since the 1990s and this is the first one that I've seen that has at least allowed for the possibility of wanting to continue dating the person and tried to do something better than just living the deception meme.

[Dahlia]

How does sexual preference figure into this?  If he prefers women he prefers women. 

I think he wouldn't prefer a woman with a prostate and a (elaborate) past as a cisman, if he's 100% heterosexual..

or he has unresolved questions about her (or his, or both) sexual orientation. 

That would be the other way around, wouldn't it?

He has a fixed sexual ID and sexual orientation. It would be unfair to force him into something else.

I would run for sure if a masculine XY cisman turns out to be a tv/cd/tg or even pre TS....because my sexual orientation is fixed as well and no 'unresolved questions' here...I'm simply not into (part time) women, but into masculine men only.

[Michelle-G]

You still don't get it, do you?

A man is gay if he desires another man, not just because he desires a partner with a penis.  Being gay or straight is about who your partner is, not how they are configured.

There's a difference between having a preference for a certain sexual act (in this case, requiring a penis) and having a preference for men.  That the two usually come together is merely circumstantial.

I think he wouldn't prefer a woman with a prostate and a (elaborate) past as a cisman, if he's 100% heterosexual..

And what the heck do prostates have to do with this?  Or her past?  Why is her past history of trying to live in a male role any more complicated than a woman with a past life of poverty, or living in a foreign country, or anything else?  None of this has to be regarded as elaborate unless people want to make it a bigger deal than it is.

Oh, and a trans woman does NOT have a past as a cis man.  That's the whole freakin' point of being a trans woman in the first place!

Questioning the validity (or the percentage) of a man's heterosexuality because he has the capacity to overlook a woman's correctable birth defect is rather narrow-minded and shows a remarkable lack of understanding of sexual orientation issues.

He has a fixed sexual ID and sexual orientation. It would be unfair to force him into something else.

Nobody's forcing anyone into anything.  If the guy prefers vaginal sex he can either move on to a woman equipped with a vagina or wait until the trans woman in question acquires one.  It's that simple.

I would run for sure if a masculine XY cisman turns out to be a tv/cd/tg or even pre TS....because my sexual orientation is fixed as well and no 'unresolved questions' here...I'm simply not into (part time) women, but into masculine men only.

* sigh *  Really?  For that I'd call you a troll if your post count weren't so high.

Do you really not know the difference between these terms?  You seriously need to educate yourself.  TV is an archaic term.  TG covers anyone who is gender-variant (although that term itself is being reexamined), and CDs simply do not regard themselves as women.

Trans women are not "part time" women, and there are plenty of straight men who have relationships or are even married to trans women, regardless of their body configurations, just as there are straight men who are married to cis women regardless of their body configurations.

Come on, Dahlia, who are you really?

[Jenna Marie]

("How to tell your date is a jerk : he's reading articles like this one.")

Personally, I think I have a sexual orientation towards people who aren't obsessed with karyotyping me and figuring out if my G-spot is "really" a prostate. IMO, if a straight man sees me as a woman, he'd have no problem dating me; if he doesn't, I have a HUGE problem with dating *him.*

(Theoretically. I'm not in the market right now, thanks to being happily married to my wife. But I am bi, and I would otherwise consider as my bare minimum for dating eligibility - a man who includes women in the group of people he's attracted to.)

[Ltl89]

I understand there are men that wouldn't want to date me because I'm trans.  It hurts, but it's their choice and I respect that.  However, if a guy was really investigating me and looking all over my body for potential signs that I could be trans, that would annoy the hell out of me. I know plenty of ciswomen that could have some "trans signs" and be clocked.  Hell, I think I could pass better than many ciswomen that I know, so what does that say.  It's stupid to make assumptions like that.

[dalebert]

A man is gay if he desires another man, not just because he desires a partner with a penis.  Being gay or straight is about who your partner is, not how they are configured.

That describes me perfectly but it did take me a while to figure that out. There was a long period of time when I had a lot of anxiety about dating a trans man. It took me a while to desensitize to a lot of societal conditioning about gender (like that it's black & white or that it's forever tied to genital configuration).

I think if I had tried to date a trans man in that time, perhaps due to pressure to not be transphobic, it would not have gone well. I just wasn't ready. Now I feel ready. I don't think anyone should have to explain their preferences or defend themselves for them. We can't even explain it to ourselves why we're attracted to what most of the time.

That said, what bugs me about this article is that it's perpetuating stereotypes that are unreliable at best. I can see a lot of guys rejecting a cis woman because they've concluded she might be trans. I can imagine a lot of people arbitrarily nitpicking details about their date and labeling them as masculine or feminine and making up a scorecard in their head--silly details they might not have even noticed before when they were maybe looking at the entire package and thinking "hubba hubba!" It's like a lesson in shallowness. Some of us are plenty shallow enough without lessons.

[Shana A]

Human sexuality and attraction is truly diverse. Please be respectful of others in this topic, even if you cannot fathom another person's orientation or choices.

News Admin

[Northern Jane]

In talking to (straight) men on this topic they confess that dating a post-op trans woman is a problem because it threatens their idea of being straight. In other words, they do not see trans women as being women.

I have a Gay friend who is TOTALLY Gay and has no problem at all with trans. When I joked about hooking up with him, he said "No way honey! You're all woman and I am not in to women!" In other words he DOES see trans women as women.

Totally different perceptions.

[Michelle-G]

In talking to (straight) men on this topic they confess that dating a post-op trans woman is a problem because it threatens their idea of being straight. In other words, they do not see trans women as being women.

While that opinion is common it's not as common as some would have us believe, and unfortunately many trans women have come to the conclusion that this is the norm among straight men. It's not.

I know several trans women who are married to straight men, and all of the ones I know were married when they were still pre-op.  My own boyfriend is straight and he's been with me since about a year before my GRS.

You're right, acceptance of our gender is a matter of perception, but your gay friend's perception is probably more influenced by his own open mindedness than anything.