I cannot hold anymore

[Natalia]

Hello everyone!

So, I think I cannot hold anymore and I need to tell someone...but my case is kind of difficult.

My family is just me and my mother. My father died two years ago in an accident...my grandfather and grandmother are very close-minded and I don't expect them to understand me. I have no real friends that I can tell this sort of thing...

So it is just me and my mother.

We live together and I am extremely linked to her. We can almost read each other minds.

But the bigger problem is how my mother is drowned in depression and problems. She tried suicide a few times this last year, but now she is recovering (more or less).

I am giving her a few hints about my condition and I know she is suspecting something...but at the same time I don't know if she suspects something as tough as that I am about to reveal I am transgender and that I want to be female. I am on HRT for a bit more than 3 months and I changed drastically from who I was since I started HRT. My hair is getting longer, I am losing weight and I started to present myself in a more feminine way...

The other day I wanted to tell her, but she told me that she didn't want to listen...I think she fears what is about to come. Perhaps she even already know about it. Mothers instinct?

I am considering writing a letter, but I think it would be better to just talk to her face to face as I live with her and I see and talk to her all the time...I mean, actually I don't think I will be able to look at her eyes...I am so shy and I always hated talking about sexual issues. I feel so embarassed and unconfortable about it.

And I fear to be rejected. She is the only person I have in the whole world. I have no one else. No friends, no family, no one...just her.

I think she might be open minded, but at the same time I can't be sure...

My therapist sugested for me to keep going with the hints, but she is staring to question me and I don't know how to answer...alas some things are starting to get evident, as I am on HRT and my boobs are starting to get fairly visible under my clothes. And besides that I feel so anxious and nervous all the time...if I could tell her I could feel myself better...

I know everyone here shares a similar story and I was reading some...but I would like some tips, if possible. I am so nervous and anxious and I feel completely lost about how to come out to her.

[fusstangtroy]

Hello everyone!

So, I think I cannot hold anymore and I need to tell someone...but my case is kind of difficult.

My family is just me and my mother. My father died two years ago in an accident...my grandfather and grandmother are very close-minded and I don't expect them to understand me. I have no real friends that I can tell this sort of thing...

So it is just me and my mother.

We live together and I am extremely linked to her. We can almost read each other minds.

But the bigger problem is how my mother is drowned in depression and problems. She tried suicide a few times this last year, but now she is recovering (more or less).

I am giving her a few hints about my condition and I know she is suspecting something...but at the same time I don't know if she suspects something as tough as that I am about to reveal I am transgender and that I want to be female. I am on HRT for a bit more than 3 months and I changed drastically from who I was since I started HRT. My hair is getting longer, I am losing weight and I started to present myself in a more feminine way...

The other day I wanted to tell her, but she told me that she didn't want to listen...I think she fears what is about to come. Perhaps she even already know about it. Mothers instinct?

I am considering writing a letter, but I think it would be better to just talk to her face to face as I live with her and I see and talk to her all the time...I mean, actually I don't think I will be able to look at her eyes...I am so shy and I always hated talking about sexual issues. I feel so embarassed and unconfortable about it.

And I fear to be rejected. She is the only person I have in the whole world. I have no one else. No friends, no family, no one...just her.

I think she might be open minded, but at the same time I can't be sure...

My therapist sugested for me to keep going with the hints, but she is staring to question me and I don't know how to answer...alas some things are starting to get evident, as I am on HRT and my boobs are starting to get fairly visible under my clothes. And besides that I feel so anxious and nervous all the time...if I could tell her I could feel myself better...

I know everyone here shares a similar story and I was reading some...but I would like some tips, if possible. I am so nervous and anxious and I feel completely lost about how to come out to her.

I have my father living in our house , My answer for telling him is by my slow changes in body / hair longer /ears piercing /hair coloring  .Unlike you i have others close ive come out to .your therapist might have other girls in here program that you could talk to ?? maybe you could put some of your womens clothing in loop of washing and that could start a talk on why and what they are .Watching a chick flick could set mood for her to be more open on a talk .Have you changed any of you outward looks .Your not alone on feeling anxious and  nervous (as i am   brave NO nervous YES ) .If i  can help by just being shoulder to hang on in these pages its ok   with me , YOUR NOT ALONE HERE .Enjoy the positives in your hrt therapy .Troi

[LizMarie]

You know, if approached right, coming out to her as her daughter might heighten your bond and give her a positive focus outside herself. You could ask your mother for advice about fashion, makeup, other things. You could focus on building the mother-daughter relationship.

[LordKAT]

I had a similar thought as LizMarie. Your mother may be better able to fight her depression by helping you. Helping others has always been a way to lift yourself by not thinking about what was getting you down in the first place. I hope it works out that way for both of you.

[Natalia]

Well, this was the day (or not)!

I gathered enough courage and started talking about the subject with my mom...after I started I wanted to stop and go back, but it was too late...I had to tell everything.

I started talking about how I was never a very masculine boy and how I always felt that I should be female.

It was extremely hard for me to talk to her...I started talking around the subject but couldn't exactly tell her at once...

She even got anger with me telling me to stop with the teasing.

I was talking like this was the end of the world lol but for me it is more or less the end of the world. Somehow, even knowing that being a transgender is a normal thing and knowing that I am and always have been a female inside... I still feel like a lunatic about wanting to do something like change my sex.

But then I tried to justify my condition talking about how probably I was under the effects of more estrogen when I was inside her uterus and that it made my brain to develop in a female pattern. I remembered her that I had an undescended testicle at the age of 8 yo and probably was never under the effects of as much testosterone as a boy should be. I showed my hands and told her about the 2D:4D finger ratios (mine are the same size)...

I told her that I always felt this way, but I have never put all the clues together. I told her that I have never felt sexual attraction for any girl...just the feeling of "I'd like to be that girl". She knows I am still a virgin, but she didn't know why. I told her how I always disgusted my body and how I always wanted to hide from everyone my genitals...I have never felt confortable in any locker room...

I told her how I fee a female inside and that I am seeing a therapist specialized with gender issues. I told her I am a transgender...and that people like me should go under a hormone treatment and on the future should go into a surgery to change sex.

Her reaction was much more positive than I expected. She told me that she always suspected that something was wrong with me in this matter and that it doesn't change anything. But she didn't get very well tha "changing sex" part....

After this she wanted to drink a champagne and some beers...and she ended drunk...(this is not ununsual  🙁 her depression problems always made her abuse alcohol)...and I really don't know if she understood me at all.

She started talking that she doesn't care if I am gay and if want to have sex with other men...But I told her this is not exactly what I told her...I told her I wanted to be a female.

Then she told me that being bisexual is not a terrible thing...

oh god...I told her it is not about sexual orientation at all, but it is actually about gender identification. I don't see myself as a male.

Then she misunderstood that I wanted to be a travestite and started crying...oh god  🙁 (she might be getting there, but still there is a big difference between transexual and travestite)

I think that unfortunately she got too drunk to understand me...I hope that when she gets sober again she remembers what I told her...

Anyway, I feel relieved about telling her this. It was like I took a big weight off my shoulders...but I still need to talk to her when she gets sober and see if she could accept it.

[Natalia]

Today my mother is ignoring everything I said to her...it is like if I didn't tell anything at all.

We are having a normal day...we were watching the news, having lunch, an absolutely normal day...I think it is quite odd...I don't believe she can't remember what I told her.

Can this be some kind of denial?

[Lauren5]

Today my mother is ignoring everything I said to her...it is like if I didn't tell anything at all.

We are having a normal day...we were watching the news, having lunch, an absolutely normal day...I think it is quite odd...I don't believe she can't remember what I told her.

Can this be some kind of denial?

That's what happened with my parents for about a week or two. Then dad opened up and started talking more (still asking me if I was a crossdresser or a drag queen, although I am neither, but he got along after a little while) and mom started either ignoring me entirely and insulting me.

Not trying to make anything feel worse, just giving my own experience. I don't know your mother, so I don't know what to expect.

This may not be my grounds to say so, but it seems like your mother needs some therapy as well, for her alcohol abuse. It sounds bad, and seems like it is hurting the relationship between the two of you.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Your moms reaction was very similar to mine ,,,well if you exclude the drinking part 

Im pretty sure she is gonna need time to accept it

[Natalia]

At the end of this afternoon my mother decided to talk with me about it! yay

She was still confused about the differences from travestite to transexual (here on my country travestites are not well seen, many are selling their bodies and many are also selling drugs and commiting crimes) and she still thinks that this is about my sexuality...

She also though that my gender disphoria was just a "problem" I have and that I could live with it the way I am.

It must be very hard for her to accept this idea, and it was very hard for me to say it. I told her that the only "cure" for the gender disphoria is starting a treatment with hormones that will change your body into a more female like pattern and after it surgery to change sex and cosmetic facial surgeries...

She was kind of shocked, I could read it in her eyes...but she was very comprehensive and she is accepting me as I am

She only told me that my life that it is already difficult will become even more difficult...but I am aware of it. There is just no way to run out of it, right?

And she told me that I will be an ugly woman lol I know I am not a beautiful boy, and actually I don't care not being pretty, I just want to be accepted and seen as a woman...what can be kind of hard without FFS as my forehead and nose are in the way.

But I am extremely happy 🙂 from now on time must do its job and she will start accepting it more.

PS: By the way, have any of you felt that coming out was a big non-return point? I mean, I was on HRT and seeing a therapist, but I could stop it at any time and no one would even know about it...I considered stopping quite often because I feared coming out, but now that I that my mom is aware and accepted me...there is nothing more on my way! I can't go back anymore (not that I want or not that I really can't, but now my mom is aware of my gender issues)

I think my last words are not making sense at all lol, might be the feeling of happiness filling me!

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advices 🙂 They were a huuuuuge emotional help for me 🙂