Am I being unfair? Relationship Advice

[Taylortots]

Alrighty, it's been a bit of a rocky road lately and I've come out to the gf nearly a month ago. As it stands, I still occasionally get days where there is a massive depression-state or some other negative emotion (who freaking knows, I swear, my brain digs into a hat and randomly pulls out anger, depression, sadness, insecurity, or anxiety at random intervals during the day). That being said, the gf is aware of this and she fully supports me and that she wants me to tell her when I'm feeling down. I dunno, but for some reason, I have a hard time doing that. Whenever I do, I feel like I'm just taking the burden off of me and putting it on her. And that's not fair. She didn't do anything to deserve that. I'd rather just not tell her and keep it to myself if it requires that she pick it back up again. I don't want her to see me like that.

She usually sees me as happy, sarcastic, intelligent, mildly aloof, and silly. I don't want to run around projecting as some emotionally unstable tear-fest, and I certainly don't want her to see me like that. Am I not being fair and not trusting her? It's just hard, I guess. I love her to death and don't want to lose her, but these problems are things that she can't really help me with and only introspection and my own action has a chance of killing it.

[greypeacock]

I think you need to do what you're comfortable with. That said, bottling it up can have worse outcomes than asking for help in coping. This is a very brain-heavy time in your life, and your 'brain weasels' are going to be running wild. The only way through is self-reflection and working out what you want from this life. I know it's cliche, but try to come at it from the other's side as much as you can. If you had someone going through this time in their life, what would you want to do for them? How would you feel if they shut you out all the time to spare you? I believe the best action is the honest one. Your heart knows what it wants, and the potential is actually there to strengthen your relationship through this.

Anything you are feeling is okay. You are allowed to feel the way you do.

[Misato]

If I had everything to do over again, next time I would be more open with my SO. We've survived, but my keeping things from her to protect her, ended up putting a lot of strain on the relationship in the form of lies and broken promises and damaged trust.

I will suggest that you seek out the help of a therapist too. One thing I learned from my transition is when things are going wrong with you, it's very difficult if not impossible to see the solutions yourself.

[King Malachite]

Alrighty, it's been a bit of a rocky road lately and I've come out to the gf nearly a month ago. As it stands, I still occasionally get days where there is a massive depression-state or some other negative emotion (who freaking knows, I swear, my brain digs into a hat and randomly pulls out anger, depression, sadness, insecurity, or anxiety at random intervals during the day). That being said, the gf is aware of this and she fully supports me and that she wants me to tell her when I'm feeling down. I dunno, but for some reason, I have a hard time doing that. Whenever I do, I feel like I'm just taking the burden off of me and putting it on her. And that's not fair. She didn't do anything to deserve that. I'd rather just not tell her and keep it to myself if it requires that she pick it back up again. I don't want her to see me like that.

She usually sees me as happy, sarcastic, intelligent, mildly aloof, and silly. I don't want to run around projecting as some emotionally unstable tear-fest, and I certainly don't want her to see me like that. Am I not being fair and not trusting her? It's just hard, I guess. I love her to death and don't want to lose her, but these problems are things that she can't really help me with and only introspection and my own action has a chance of killing it.

If she wants to support you then let her .  Consider it a blessing that you have someone you that is so willing to let you open up to them for free.  Many transgender individuals and even just people in the LBG community don't have that blessing and have to seek a therapist just to openly discuss their feelings (not that there's anything wrong with therapy).

If you plan on being with your girlfriend for a long time, then she is going to see that not-so-happy side of you sooner or later, and when that happens, the last thing you need to do is shut-down.  She is your girlfriend, your partner.  If she truly loves you, then she wants to carry that burden with you.  She wants to be there for you through the good AND the bad.  Shutting-down and not expressing your feelings to her can be very detrimental to your relationship.  It can cause bitterness and a lack of trust on her end.

One of the users above mentioned looking through her lens for a moment and I agree.  How would you feel if you were here and wanted to help your partner, but they refused to open up?  I can tell you how I would feel.  Granted, I'm not her, but if I was in her situation, then I would feel very angry, disappointed, upset, and hurt etc..  I would feel like I'm in the relationsip alone.  I would feel like you didn't trust me. 

It may seem like you are doing her a favor at first, but I see not opening up as being like a small wound that gradually spreads and becomes bigger and more infected if left untreated.  In this case, I can see it causing your girlfriend to start holding in resentment towards you for holding your problems inside, which could lead her to question herself and how good of a partner she is, and maybe even getting irritated at the small things you may do that bothers her, and then perhaps more fights.  It can eventually turn into an unfruitful relationship and if that continues, you might lose her (the very thing you don't want to happen) and the whole situation will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and ironically, you may just get want: to continue harvesting these feelings inside alone.

I know it may seem hard and very counter-productive to discuss your feelings with her, but for the sake of the relationship, please do.  Don't leave her out of this.  It's not fun to be left out of the loop and I speak from personal experience.  I totally get not wanting to put an extra burden on someone you love.  However. if you love her to death like you say you do, then there should also be trust there.  Use that trust that you have placed in her, or it will dwindle, and it doesn't take long for that to happen.  As the saying goes: use it or lose it.  She doesn't have to completely understand or have a solution.  Even just talking it out does wonders.

[Jeatyn]

Speaking as a SO of a person who bottles up their emotions - LET HER IN!

She already knows, most likely, when you are feeling down. I know I can sense it in my partner. Something just feels off and I know when there's something he's not telling me even if he tries to act totally normal. Even if there's nothing to tell and he genuinely is just feeling a bit crappy for no reason at all, I'd rather he just told me that. Even if the situation can't be helped in any way - don't feel like you're pressuring her to come up with a solution, that's often not the goal, it's just the sharing that's important.

It's so annoying having a mopey other half who's insisting everything's fine he's annoyed, which makes me annoyed, and we end up bitching at each other over nothing. Whereas if he'd just tell me he could get it off his chest, I would be clued in and not left guessing if I've said or done something or if he's hiding something. Even if all I can offer is a hug and to go do my own thing for an evening so he can sit brooding with his headphones in

I say all this like it's in the present but thinking about it he's been way better with sharing things this past year, I can't recall any fights or sulking sessions for quite a while - there's proof that my advice works

[DuckyAlexis]

Speaking as a SO of a person who bottles up their emotions - LET HER IN!

She already knows, most likely, when you are feeling down. I know I can sense it in my partner. Something just feels off and I know when there's something he's not telling me even if he tries to act totally normal. Even if there's nothing to tell and he genuinely is just feeling a bit crappy for no reason at all, I'd rather he just told me that. Even if the situation can't be helped in any way - don't feel like you're pressuring her to come up with a solution, that's often not the goal, it's just the sharing that's important.

It's so annoying having a mopey other half who's insisting everything's fine he's annoyed, which makes me annoyed, and we end up bitching at each other over nothing. Whereas if he'd just tell me he could get it off his chest, I would be clued in and not left guessing if I've said or done something or if he's hiding something. Even if all I can offer is a hug and to go do my own thing for an evening so he can sit brooding with his headphones in

I say all this like it's in the present but thinking about it he's been way better with sharing things this past year, I can't recall any fights or sulking sessions for quite a while - there's proof that my advice works

That is very good advice.  I get so frustrated with my girlfriend sometimes when she holds her feelings in because i know when something is bothering her.  At times when she shuts down and acts like everything is ok it is very frustrating and makes me wonder if she doesn't trust me enough.  She's gotten way better the past several months, but it's difficult for her  because she is not used to being able/allowed to share her emotions, which makes it easier to be patient with her(because she'll tell me the feeling she is having even if she doesn't know why exactly.  Bottling stuff up really does hurt the relationship, it hurts  you, and it hurts her, by possibly making her feel useless to you when you are struggling(she knows when you are struggling even if you think she doesn't) as well as like she isn't trusted to be let in by you.  I would say open up, let her in, let her support.  If she didn't want to be there for you, she wouldn't offer to.

[Rachel]

She is being shielded by you. This is normal to protect someone you love and value. However, sharing all of you leaves you vulnerable to rejection. So are you protecting your GF or you.

[JoanneB]

I looked at clouds from both sides now.....

Actually, I played it both ways with my wife. For some 30 years I kept a ton of stuff to myself for exactly those same reasons. There is nothing she can do or help or whatever. It is making my life miserable, why should I bring her down. Especially since she is down herself. Etc. etc.

It wasn't like she didn't know something was up! But I tended to answer Oh nothing. Or worse at times was telling her what BS was happening which in some ways got her upset.

Over these past few years of my shell breaking I've unloaded a lot on her. I have absolutely no doubt the honest and open communication not only kept us together but has forged even stronger bonds between us. Sure, at times I know she was hurt, just as I was hurting. Plenty of ears were shed by both of us. But well worth it.

My wife jokes how a good part of the reason people go to therapist is because they don't honestly talk to anyone else.

I also learned between talking things out with my wife, and even therapist, that the very act of having to verbally express your thoughts/feelings forces your brain to process things totally differently. Sometimes just talking about it helps. Funny how those old sayings work out some times.

Oh yeah... I also learned just how much my shutting my wife out all those years helped a lot in alienating her and creating a ton of ancillary hardships between us

[musicofthenight]

Ask her to let her know when she's had too much, and if that's the case it won't be a big deal and you'll give her a break.  That's what you've been doing anyway, only now you're letting her decide when.

Then you've gotta trust her to let you know when she's had too much.

Assuming you know what's in someone else's head is always risky.  There's a very good chance she'll feel misunderstood (fair enough when you assume what she's feeling) or useless (fair enough when you won't let her be useful), and those can hurt way more than having to listen to a loved one whine about their feelings.

Basically, I agree with everyone else, so I'll leave it at that.