Imaginary self

[Zarazen]

Hey everyone,
I want to start off by saying that I'm a long time reader of this website and finally decided to register because my struggles are becoming bigger and bigger and my self-doubt is eating me alive.

I'll try to keep my backstory short - there was always off about me, even in childhood. While I was never particularly tomboyish in my presentation, I'd constantly reject anything feminine thrown my way and I'd find it much easier to relate to boys. I've always felt as if my childhood is being stolen from me because I'm forced into a feminine role that I never really wanted. I had a passion for art and writing, but I also felt left out because I was interested in stereotypically 'male' activities too, but the other boys never wanted to do anything with me because I'm a 'girl'.

My memory is really foggy and not exactly reliable, but I remember feeling extremely weird once puberty hit - the increasing femininity of my body felt completely alien to me. All the other girls were so excited about growing breasts and getting curves, and it just felt wrong to me. I had absolutely no idea what the deal with make up, dressing up, shopping and boys was about. I would cringe at my birth name and gender-specific pronouns and nicknames. But still, I didn't really think much about gender and just accepted the fact that I was born in a female body, and therefore female.

A few years back, I randomly discovered transsexuality while browsing the web, and everything seemed to fall into place. After reading up more about it, I adopted a male persona online, just to test it out, and I realised that I've never felt more alive, or more me, in my entire life. My dysphoria got worse and worse, I hated my sexed body parts, I hated my female role, and after a couple of years it became completely unbearable.

I had an image of me, as a male, in my head, and I'd spend every free minute daydreaming about it, I became completely detached from my physical self, to the point where I don't even feel that I exist anymore, my dysphoria engulfed my entire physical body, every single part of it was female to me, and completely wrong.

This is where I still stand today. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself, people look at me and I know that they do not see me but this mask that I wear every single day, and every single day it's killing me a little bit more, to the point where I have severe problems with normal functioning in real life - socialising is hell, going out is hell, going to school is a terrible burden that I can hardly deal with on a day to day basis. I find it completely impossible to spend the rest of my life in this body - whether I'm alone or surrounded by people, I feel trapped, imprisoned in a shell that does not belong to me.

But I'm also very afraid, terrified that this is just something I deluded myself into believing. And still, I cannot imagine myself as a woman, not now, not in the future. I cannot see myself in a relationship as a woman, I cannot see myself living as a woman at all. But I still doubt myself, constantly, I feel like I've split myself in two - my male self - my true self, and the role that I play in real life - my mask, my prison; and I find myself constantly wondering: what if the mask is real, what if I'm just so obsessed with an imaginary image that I cannot accept reality, what if I'm just deluded. My friends think I'm being too hard on myself, as I usually worry too much about everything and my anxiety is over the top. I'm thinking I really need to see a therapist, not necessarily a gender one, just someone to help me overcome what I am pretty sure is some type of anxiety disorder, and depression. But then again, I have a very hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings and I honestly don't know how I'm going to talk to a therapist.

I have a question for the community - has anyone else felt so completely detached from their physical self and obsessed with an imaginary image of themselves? Could it be that I have another problem that has nothing to do with transsexuality, or is this a common problem with TG/TS people?

I spent a few nights writing this in my head and I probably missed a lot of things that I wanted to say, forgive me if it's unclear or feels incomplete. I'll leave it as it is for now.

[zombieinc]

This is where I still stand today. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself, people look at me and I know that they do not see me but this mask that I wear every single day, and every single day it's killing me a little bit more, to the point where I have severe problems with normal functioning in real life - socialising is hell, going out is hell, going to school is a terrible burden that I can hardly deal with on a day to day basis. I find it completely impossible to spend the rest of my life in this body - whether I'm alone or surrounded by people, I feel trapped, imprisoned in a shell that does not belong to me.

But I'm also very afraid, terrified that this is just something I deluded myself into believing. And still, I cannot imagine myself as a woman, not now, not in the future. I cannot see myself in a relationship as a woman, I cannot see myself living as a woman at all. But I still doubt myself, constantly, I feel like I've split myself in two - my male self - my true self, and the role that I play in real life - my mask, my prison; and I find myself constantly wondering: what if the mask is real, what if I'm just so obsessed with an imaginary image that I cannot accept reality, what if I'm just deluded. My friends think I'm being too hard on myself, as I usually worry too much about everything and my anxiety is over the top. I'm thinking I really need to see a therapist, not necessarily a gender one, just someone to help me overcome what I am pretty sure is some type of anxiety disorder, and depression. But then again, I have a very hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings and I honestly don't know how I'm going to talk to a therapist.

I haven't been on susans in months, but these paragraphs sum up why I'm back.

I feel/think this way most of the time and have for the past 5 years. I live in such a hell, where the person I am and want to be is trapped in the body of a person that I don't care about, yet the person on the outside is the one the world sees as me. Too much.

As I've gotten older, I've found myself avoiding relationships. At first, the avoidance wasn't too bad. I had a few close friends, and my sisters and I managed to get by. One by one, I began to lose them. One got married and had a kid, another moved to accept a new job, one stopped hanging out with me after I came out as gay and trans-leaning and now...I have no one in my real life except for my parents and a few acquaintances. The internet is my friend, I suppose.

The primary reason I have avoided relationships is because I am uncomfortable in my body to the point where I do not want anyone to know me as I am now. I do not think that the person I am outwardly matches the person I am inwardly, my true self. I also do not like the idea of building friendly, buddy-buddy relationships with females at this point in my life. I identify as gay/lesbian, and this plays a part...but truthfully, I am a straight male and wish that my body aligned with that reality so that I could pursue the type of relationship that I really want with a woman. I also think that if I were perceived as male by the outside world, my interests and hobbies would be more accepted and somehow more fulfilling. I'm very into certain fandoms which are heavily male-dominated and I'm also a computer geek to the max. I wish that I could express these things openly, but I can't...I'm always "the girl who's into ______" or the female lone ranger on the scene whose opinions get drowned out.

On therapy: I've been to therapy. My old therapist was wonderful, but she didn't feel comfortable talking about my body dysphoria, or anything trans-related. So we stopped doing regular sessions and now I see her about every 4-5 months for check-ins. So I'd say be aware that if your anxiety stems from or is related to your gender, body dysphoria, and such, you will want to make sure that any therapist you are planning on building a patient-doctor/confidant relationship with is ok with discussing and advising on such things. Otherwise, it's a waste of time, imho.

Online personas: I have switched back and forth over the years, between male and female. Right now, I am just me and if my profile says female, then it is what it is on the day I signed up the account. I do feel more alive on the internet than I do in real life, because I am not hiding everything about myself online, whereas in RL, I hide as much as possible and try not to think too much about it.

Hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck on whatever path you may choose.

[Kreuzfidel]

You're certainly not alone.  I think that what you're describing would be fairly common for trans* individuals.

For myself, I perpetuated this "split" between the body-what-others-perceived me (female) and the REAL ME (male) for so long that it evolved into a dissociative disorder.  Not DID, but depersonalization.  It left me feeling completely surreal and void of all feelings that weren't rage, despair, etc. 

From a very small child, I escaped my body/female-world-projection by imagining myself as the "real boy" that I was - I would use make believe to go out into the woods and pretend to be a prince or even a hermit living in the forest.  I did this kind of make believe with my sister and cousin - playing "house" or other games, I was always a male.  As I got older and obviously couldn't play these games with others, I started to live inside my head.  While my sister and friends were projecting themselves into the world as they came into adulthood, I withdrew and became the hermit that I used to pretend to be.

So I spent nearly the entirety of my teenage years and young adult years with my grandparents deep in the backwoods because I couldn't face the world with this body.  At 32 years of age, I met my now-wife online - as a man - and she literally saved my life because she accepted me.

So I know the pain you're describing and I wish that I had the courage back then to have more earlier addressed the "splitting" and depersonalization and had professional help.  Now, even being transitioned - I still struggle with the effects of this dissociation - I struggle daily with cognitive deficits, attention disorder and complete feelings of surreality.  So if you feel any of this, I would encourage you to seek help now before you have to live with the feelings that I have lived with.

[Zarazen]

Hello, thank you for the replies and the support. 

I haven't been on susans in months, but these paragraphs sum up why I'm back.

I feel/think this way most of the time and have for the past 5 years. I live in such a hell, where the person I am and want to be is trapped in the body of a person that I don't care about, yet the person on the outside is the one the world sees as me. Too much.
(...) I have no one in my real life except for my parents and a few acquaintances. The internet is my friend, I suppose.

The primary reason I have avoided relationships is because I am uncomfortable in my body to the point where I do not want anyone to know me as I am now. I do not think that the person I am outwardly matches the person I am inwardly, my true self. (...) I also think that if I were perceived as male by the outside world, my interests and hobbies would be more accepted and somehow more fulfilling. I'm very into certain fandoms which are heavily male-dominated and I'm also a computer geek to the max. I wish that I could express these things openly, but I can't...I'm always "the girl who's into ______" or the female lone ranger on the scene whose opinions get drowned out.

This is exactly how I feel, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this.

On therapy: I've been to therapy. My old therapist was wonderful, but she didn't feel comfortable talking about my body dysphoria, or anything trans-related. So we stopped doing regular sessions and now I see her about every 4-5 months for check-ins. So I'd say be aware that if your anxiety stems from or is related to your gender, body dysphoria, and such, you will want to make sure that any therapist you are planning on building a patient-doctor/confidant relationship with is ok with discussing and advising on such things. Otherwise, it's a waste of time, imho.

Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.  Only part of my anxiety stems from my gender issues, though. But one of the reasons I'm reluctant about seeing a therapist for reasons unrelated to transsexuality is that I'd have to present as female and that would only cause more distress and anxiety. One step at a time, I guess. *sigh*

Wish you all the best too. 

You're certainly not alone.  I think that what you're describing would be fairly common for trans* individuals.

For myself, I perpetuated this "split" between the body-what-others-perceived me (female) and the REAL ME (male) for so long that it evolved into a dissociative disorder.  Not DID, but depersonalization.  It left me feeling completely surreal and void of all feelings that weren't rage, despair, etc. 

(...)

So I know the pain you're describing and I wish that I had the courage back then to have more earlier addressed the "splitting" and depersonalization and had professional help.  Now, even being transitioned - I still struggle with the effects of this dissociation - I struggle daily with cognitive deficits, attention disorder and complete feelings of surreality.  So if you feel any of this, I would encourage you to seek help now before you have to live with the feelings that I have lived with.

Wow, this is actually one of my bigger concerns, at times I can feel my detachment so strong that it begins to feel like dissociation, but it's not nearly as severe as your case. Hopefully I'll gain the courage to prevent this from happening, with enough support from my loved ones.
I'm sorry that you had, and still have to, go through these struggles.

Best of luck 

[sneakersjay]

I felt very similarly.  When I discovered that what I was feeling was likely that I was trans, I didn't want to believe that; transition would be too hard and too public.  I was secretly hoping the gender therapists would tell me it was something else entirely and that there was some magic pill to fix it.  LOL

Needless to say, they both concurred I was trans (they did not consult with each other).  When I got to the point I couldn't live another day as F, I jumped off the transition cliff with both feet.  9 months later I was pretty much done with being F, was living legally as male.  Life has been a blast ever since!


Jay

[stephaniec]

yea, this is my story too, but from the other side of the coin.

[YBtheOutlaw]

yeah buddy you're not alone. you just said my story, except for the fact that my dysphoria and anxiety is not so severe, and i have zero anxiety in school community for some reason. as for the imaginary identity, i suggest you read about maladaptive daydreaming disorder, it might shed some light into your confusions. and welcome to susan's, you can vent about all your troubles here. before i joined here i was thinking of not transitioning ever and to live with dysphoria, without telling anybody. but it's been only about six months and i've already decided to come out. good luck and enjoy your time here!

[zombieinc]

Maladaptive Daydream Disorder = Me. As in, my picture should be next to the definition.

It seems as if I've been having these daydream episodes since I was a child. I would pace for hours as a kid, usually with a pencil or a baton in my hand, telling myself stories. I would actually lock myself in my room or my parents' room to do this and I would become upset if anyone interrupted me. To this day, I still pace when I have an idea for a story or when I'm writing and I get stuck.

I have a hard time functioning because I get stuck in my fantasies and I feel...lost and resentful when someone stops me or I have to give something else my full attention while I'm in the midst of a particular daydream. I've also suffered from severe insomnia over the years because of the fantasies.

My god...this is crazy, but I think this explains so much about me. Almost tearing up...

I realized that even as a child, I wanted to be someone else. A boy. As a teen and twenty something, a young man. Now, a man. So much of my fantasies revolve around achieving this goal indirectly, through various characters and plots. Now, I know why...it's like.
this Tool song.


"I know the pieces fit...."

[Travestydearest]

Maladaptive Daydream Disorder = Me. As in, my picture should be next to the definition.

It seems as if I've been having these daydream episodes since I was a child. I would pace for hours as a kid, usually with a pencil or a baton in my hand, telling myself stories. I would actually lock myself in my room or my parents' room to do this and I would become upset if anyone interrupted me. To this day, I still pace when I have an idea for a story or when I'm writing and I get stuck.

I have a hard time functioning because I get stuck in my fantasies and I feel...lost and resentful when someone stops me or I have to give something else my full attention while I'm in the midst of a particular daydream. I've also suffered from severe insomnia over the years because of the fantasies.

For myself, I perpetuated this "split" between the body-what-others-perceived me (female) and the REAL ME (male) for so long that it evolved into a dissociative disorder.  Not DID, but depersonalization.  It left me feeling completely surreal and void of all feelings that weren't rage, despair, etc. 

From a very small child, I escaped my body/female-world-projection by imagining myself as the "real boy" that I was - I would use make believe to go out into the woods and pretend to be a prince or even a hermit living in the forest.  I did this kind of make believe with my sister and cousin - playing "house" or other games, I was always a male.  As I got older and obviously couldn't play these games with others, I started to live inside my head.

These two descriptions describe me with amazing accuracy. I write my fantasies out now as well. Because, in my mind and on paper I can be whoever I want to be. The fantasies strike at any time and I will just drift out of reality with no warning at all. (This is why I don't drive, I don't think it would be safe) Writing out the fantasies sometimes makes me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel worse. Either way, writing them out relieves the pressure they seem to cause inside my head. It has become my second reality and, though I do understand that it is not real, I definitely prefer it to this one.

Before discovering this site I kinda just thought I was crazy. I thought I did have DID because of the fantasies and because I was always in them, but never in my 'real' body. I have never felt like I had only one 'me.' It's unbelievably relieving to see that there are definitely people out there who are like me.

[Zarazen]

Hey everyone, and once again thank you for the support.

I would actually lock myself in my room or my parents' room to do this and I would become upset if anyone interrupted me. To this day, I still pace when I have an idea for a story or when I'm writing and I get stuck.

I have a hard time functioning because I get stuck in my fantasies and I feel...lost and resentful when someone stops me or I have to give something else my full attention while I'm in the midst of a particular daydream. I've also suffered from severe insomnia over the years because of the fantasies.

My god...this is crazy, but I think this explains so much about me. Almost tearing up...

I realized that even as a child, I wanted to be someone else. A boy. As a teen and twenty something, a young man. Now, a man. So much of my fantasies revolve around achieving this goal indirectly, through various characters and plots. Now, I know why...it's like.

The fantasies strike at any time and I will just drift out of reality with no warning at all. (This is why I don't drive, I don't think it would be safe) Writing out the fantasies sometimes makes me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel worse. Either way, writing them out relieves the pressure they seem to cause inside my head. It has become my second reality and, though I do understand that it is not real, I definitely prefer it to this one.

Before discovering this site I kinda just thought I was crazy. I thought I did have DID because of the fantasies and because I was always in them, but never in my 'real' body. I have never felt like I had only one 'me.' It's unbelievably relieving to see that there are definitely people out there who are like me.

This, this, all of this.

Even as I read about other TG/TS people's experiences, they never really mentioned any of this. I was starting to believe that there was something terribly wrong with me that had nothing to do with being transgender, because everyone else would accentuate the dysphoria caused by their sexed body parts and I have dysphoria for my whole body because I view all of it as female. It could also be a product of my upbringing, because in my country the term 'gender' pretty much does not exist and sex = gender. Most people here have absolutely no idea that transsexuality and gender identity exist and equate being transsexual to being a cross-dresser, especially with MtF's.

Going off on a tangent here, so, back to the topic. I am greatly relieved to see that others also experience this "split". At times I'm so doubtful of myself that I reach the cusp of a nervous breakdown, and then at other times, especially after I read your replies, everything sort of clicks and I feel completely sure and complete and unafraid.

Once again, thank you, and I wish you all the best.

[zombieinc]

Even as I read about other TG/TS people's experiences, they never really mentioned any of this. I was starting to believe that there was something terribly wrong with me that had nothing to do with being transgender, because everyone else would accentuate the dysphoria caused by their sexed body parts and I have dysphoria for my whole body because I view all of it as female. It could also be a product of my upbringing, because in my country the term 'gender' pretty much does not exist and sex = gender. Most people here have absolutely no idea that transsexuality and gender identity exist and equate being transsexual to being a cross-dresser, especially with MtF's.

I thought much the same for a long time. It wasn't until this past year or so that I began to realize that dysphoria takes many forms.

I read and hear a lot more about transpersons dislike/discomfort/hatred of their genitals and chests more than anything else. It is understandable, but I always felt as if I weren't dysphoric enough to be transgendered because I am ok with my genitals. Except for when I hate everything, genitals included.

Where I live in the US, is not exactly a haven for liberalism. It is very conservative and traditional. There isn't much understanding or support of/for LGBT issues and most people have zero idea what transgender or transexuality is. Not exactly a great place to transition, although it could be worse.

Before discovering this site I kinda just thought I was crazy. I thought I did have DID because of the fantasies and because I was always in them, but never in my 'real' body. I have never felt like I had only one 'me.' It's unbelievably relieving to see that there are definitely people out there who are like me.

People have told me that I am crazy over the years. I have a tendency to drift in and out of reality, spending hours and days caught up in fantasies or storylines. I have written several short stories and 5 novels to deal with the reality compression and anxiety that my fantasies have caused over the past few years. I do think that there is one me, but that me has been locked inside of a shell for about 20 years, give or take. I've only let a few people get to know the real me and none of them have ever really liked who I really am. So I said "forget them" and withdrew from the world.

[Travestydearest]

Hey everyone, and once again thank you for the support.

Even as I read about other TG/TS people's experiences, they never really mentioned any of this. I was starting to believe that there was something terribly wrong with me that had nothing to do with being transgender, because everyone else would accentuate the dysphoria caused by their sexed body parts and I have dysphoria for my whole body because I view all of it as female. It could also be a product of my upbringing, because in my country the term 'gender' pretty much does not exist and sex = gender. Most people here have absolutely no idea that transsexuality and gender identity exist and equate being transsexual to being a cross-dresser, especially with MtF's.

Going off on a tangent here, so, back to the topic. I am greatly relieved to see that others also experience this "split". At times I'm so doubtful of myself that I reach the cusp of a nervous breakdown, and then at other times, especially after I read your replies, everything sort of clicks and I feel completely sure and complete and unafraid.

I thought much the same for a long time. It wasn't until this past year or so that I began to realize that dysphoria takes many forms.

I read and hear a lot more about transpersons dislike/discomfort/hatred of their genitals and chests more than anything else. It is understandable, but I always felt as if I weren't dysphoric enough to be transgendered because I am ok with my genitals. Except for when I hate everything, genitals included.

Where I live in the US, is not exactly a haven for liberalism. It is very conservative and traditional. There isn't much understanding or support of/for LGBT issues and most people have zero idea what transgender or transexuality is. Not exactly a great place to transition, although it could be worse.

People have told me that I am crazy over the years. I have a tendency to drift in and out of reality, spending hours and days caught up in fantasies or storylines. I have written several short stories and 5 novels to deal with the reality compression and anxiety that my fantasies have caused over the past few years. I do think that there is one me, but that me has been locked inside of a shell for about 20 years, give or take. I've only let a few people get to know the real me and none of them have ever really liked who I really am. So I said "forget them" and withdrew from the world.

And thank you, as well, Zarazen. ^^ Reading your story has helped me feel more sure about myself as well. Perhaps not unafraid, but that will come in time. I am lucky in that my country (Canada) is more accepting of non-binary gender identities and non-heterosexual orientation. My family, on the other hand, is certainly not. To my family anything 'abnormal' is deemed to be a cry for attention, and typically swept under the rug with a 'shut up, just be normal.' So, that's an obstacle I will have to overcome in time. My gender dysphoria-as with my gender identification- is fluid. So there will be days (though few and far between) that I am completely fine with my body. Then there are days where I hate just about everything about it; except for a few parts of my face: eyes, nose, lips.

The 'more than one me' thing comes from the fluidity of my gender identification. Whereas I almost always identify as male, the 'intensity,' I suppose, of my masculinity has different points all over the spectrum. So, despite that the 'more than one me' thing was once a way for me to dissociated myself from my male gender identity entirely, I still find it's easier to think of it that way even now that I accept it. I just find that it is easier to understand myself this way.

[Arch]

I have a question for the community - has anyone else felt so completely detached from their physical self and obsessed with an imaginary image of themselves?

Yes, yes, yes.

I was so out of touch with my body that I never knew when I was going to start bleeding even when I was on birth control pills that kept my cycle regular. I would take the last pill in the packet, start feeling crappy, get depressed, have headaches and backaches, and wonder why I felt so bad. Then the cramping would become awful and the bleeding would start, and I would suddenly remember.

I was so out of touch with my body that I could go all day without eating and not be fully aware. I would start getting scatty and shaky and wonder why.

While indoors in the winter, I wouldn't dress warmly, and I wouldn't notice how cold I was until my feet were like little blocks of ice. I'd go to bed, shock my ex with them, and be told off for letting myself get so cold.

And I spent hours and hours, even days, inside my head being the other me. Actually, I had three of them. I miss them, but things are much better for me now, so I need them less.

Not quite the same as your situation, but similar.

[Alexthecat]

I remember sitting in class daydreaming in my head while staring at the board. And the teacher wondered why I didn't get it when I paid attention.

[Calder Smith]

You're definitely not alone.

A lot of what you said describes me as well. I've always imagined myself as a boy and I too acted like a male online for a period of time, which wasn't necessarily good as I was basically 'catfishing' people but it made me feel comfortable in a way.

Puberty has also been very weird for me. Ever since I was like a preschooler I've had dysphoria. I've always had more guy friends than girl friends and would hang around with the male members of my family more often. I don't know exactly when it started but during that time something happened that made me want to have a man's body and I'd imagine myself having one. I've never felt connected to my body; like you said all the girls are excited for their boobs to grow and all that stuff and I honestly wish I could just tear them off lol.

[zombieinc]

I just don't feel anything in regards to my body. I've tried to explain that to people over the years and I've used it as a crutch to avoid losing weight. I've bounced around a lot weight wise, put on about 70 lbs in the past 6-7 years since I began acknowledging my issues. I used to have a serious food addiction and I think that my detachment from my body played a part in that.

My former therapist and my old friends used to always point out that I am overweight, need to lose so I be healthy and so on. I agreed with them, but I would become depressed when my fantasy of being a somewhat fit male-bodied person would come crashing down on my head. More fuel for the depression fire, so to speak.

Puberty has also been very weird for me. Ever since I was like a preschooler I've had dysphoria. I've always had more guy friends than girl friends and would hang around with the male members of my family more often. I don't know exactly when it started but during that time something happened that made me want to have a man's body and I'd imagine myself having one. I've never felt connected to my body; like you said all the girls are excited for their boobs to grow and all that stuff and I honestly wish I could just tear them off lol.

I had a health condition that caused me to start an early puberty at age 7-8. I was adult height in grade 5 and got a lot of flack for it. However, I did not really have boobs or regular cycles until I was about 15 years of age. Around this time, my doctors became concerned that I wasn't developing normally as a girl, so they put me on estrogen patches. I then went through what I consider to be a forced female puberty between the ages of 15-18. I hated it and high school was an absolute hell because I so moody and emotional most of the time. I hated my body and wanted to fade away. Gym class was the worst because I knew that my body was different from other girls' in some profound way. It felt wrong to be in the girls' locker room and I wished that I didn't have to go in there.

I hated having boobs too and went to great lengths to hide them under tight sports bras and baggy tops. I was a goth in high school, so it wasn't hard to hide under 15 layers of black clothes, lol.

[insideontheoutside]

For me, imagination is a very important part of my life. Without my imagination I would not even be me. My imagination has taken me so far in life. This is something I've accepted about myself since basically day 1. It's been a survival mechanism in some instances. It's been a way for me to make a living. And of course it's helped me live in a binary gender world when I most certainly do not fit in that box.

And somehow I've managed to not have a disorder and live a healthy existence with my very healthy, often overactive imagination. It could be because I do have a bit of a realist in me to tame the dreamer in me. I've never completely disassociated with reality. I've been able to function just fine in society.