So,
I am going to open my heart here and post some of my journal notes hoping it may help others. I know most this stuff is normal for many of us but these notes are random things I think about before I go to therapy so I write them down so I don't forget them.
Here it is.
I feel a 13 yo girl in a 54 yo male
body with no hope
I like pop music that younger girls would like and feel silly for it
I am immature
I love to party
I am a liberal
I despise haters religion and conservatives now
I am regretful of my life like I never ever lived
I want to die
I want to have fun like I don't have much time
I feel scared
The girl is awake to a nightmare of reality
Reality is I am old and ugly
I am happy in bed half awake eyes closed I feel and imagine I am female
I can look in the mirror see my male face and get very emotional
I am an elephant who wants to be a horse how sad is that
As a guy I have
Good looks
Good job
Beautiful wife that adores me
Power
A future
I was a stud..
I want nothing to do with my grandkids and any problems associated with my kids lives I am at a crisis point in my life
I have my own issues and am selfish
I can hardly believe this is happening to me it seems like an insane thing for me to consider. Why was I born this way? Why me?
I should be able to shake this off
I worry that if I quite this I will just crawl in a hole and die or kill myself
I give myself about 6 months to live if I don't decide to continue transition
One month hrt has taken the edge off dysphoria
Made me feel amazing
Ok so bottom line is I tried to convince her to convince me that I could just forget this whole thing and asked her to help me find a way to live as a guy.. how can I do that...
It seems that the only true way to be happy is to finally be me. Its going to be hard. Transition takes bravery and she is going to help me to overcome my fears and move on.. slowly.
Ok that's it.. I finally have really come to terms and accepted myself...no more excuses no more denial.
Carrie
