So. Girls. Sex. Relationships. Hooking up. Attraction. Flirting. AND THE F**KING FRIENDZONE (or worse).
These things are frustrating enough as a cisgendered man, but as a transsexual man, they have their own uniqueset of problems, and I have decided to vent about them.
A little about me, so you can have some perspective. I'm very good-looking, and I look like a dude. I'm of decent height for an FTM (I'm officially 5'7" 1/2, and taller in dress shoes and boots. I'm not toned all over and I don't have a six pack, but I have some muscles going on (and I go to the gym almost daily and I'm a dancer). I am very, very close to being able to grow a full beard (I'm patchy in places). My binder makes my chest flat, except for my pecs, and I have body hair and I pack daily and I can pull off skinny jeans. I'm an actor and a singer (tenor), and I'm extroverted and I can serenade you (I also play some piano). I read a lot (mostly plays and classic literature), I consider myself highly intelligent, and I'm a writer and songwriter as well. I grew up on a farm and riding horses, and I love to talk and to have adventures. I like art, history, books, animals, music, really good movies and TV and causing harmless mischief. I'm full of energy, and I like to think I'm open-minded and open-hearted. On the other side of things, I am a bit socially awkward, have passive-aggressive tendencies (but I wouldn't say I'm all-out passive-aggressive), stubborn, conniving and vain. Despite this, I am a walking, breathing Disney prince, what's not to like?
At first glance, many women reject me as a potential partner/boyfriend/flame because I'm not the most macho guy on the planet, because I'm an intellectual, a spazz, because I'm too short, because I look too young, or because I'm a poor college actor, because they think I'm gay (I'm in theatre, so I MUST be gay, right?) or other factors that I don't waste energy thinking about. The women I am ranting about here are the ones who are attracted to be at first, second, third glance and beyond.
Earlier in my transition, when I was passing all the time, my reaction to initial female attention was, "yay! girls like me!" and I'd flirt with them the best I knew how. It was always the same story. I was awfully cute and really funny, until, one way or another, the ominous
transsexual factor reared its ugly head, then things got gloomy, and most of the time, their reactions could be sorted into three categories:
- "oh, wow...I had no idea. Well, you're an awesome guy, I'm sure there's a girl out there who will love you. You're going to make someone very happy someday! Let's totally be friends now! I could never date a transman, but I could be friends with one." and then she proceeds to complain about how she can't find a guy with my qualities, but who isn't me. This the common tale of cisguys everywhere. The difference for me, is that she stopped being attracted to me the moment she found out I was trans, either from my own mouth or from the grapevine
- The next reaction is one where the moment she finds out I'm trans, she doesn't outright friendzones me, but starts making hurtful comments out of nowhere, for instance, "oh, well, that makes sense, you're really feminine", "yeah, you wouldn't know style if it hit you in the face", "you're not graceful, why do you even try to dance?" and my favorite, "you're so stupid". My theory with this one is that she was/still is attracted to me and sees me as a woman or as a man-woman thing now that she knows I'm trans, and thinks this means she's a lesbian, and is insecure about this, so she takes it out on me.
- Becomes terrified that I might be contagious or bring the wraith of God upon her if she's in the same room as I am for too long. Or becomes super-offended that using ANY gender pronouns on ANYONE will be offensive to me, and becomes like a hospital bedside visitor around me.
What I don't understand is, what about me has changed over the five seconds when they found out I'm trans? I haven't taken off my clothes: I still look and some and act like and AM the same person I was five minutes ago. What is it about not owning a dick that makes me so suddenly unattractive?
By the way, I am not referring to any one girl, but to the girls in my past experiences.
Like any other guy, I've also been rejected by girls who had no idea that I was trans, for reasons ranging from "I just got out of a relationship" to "I'm actually into you" to "I'm gay" (the irony). But by now, I've been rejected so many times BECAUSE I am trans that it has made be jaded and self-conscious and I have this feeling of shame whenever I'm attracted to a woman or flirt with her. I have this weird, subconscious belief drilled into my head that wasn't there before that I don't deserve a girlfriend, or to even make out with a cute girl at a party. My most common coping mechanism is, whenever I get lonely, I put my head further into my book, redouble my efforts on my studies or work harder at the gym and tell myself that girls will only "distract" me. Or I tell myself that I'm a transsexual actor/writer. I don't get the privilege of love.
I'm 22 years old. I've never had a girlfriend. I'm a virgin. I've had one kiss that wasn't a "professional" stage kiss, and it wasn't with someone I actually liked. I don't lie about my virginity or my having been a bachelor my entire life, and no one gives me crap to my face, but I'm not part of "the guys' club" because I'm a virgin and I don't have stories about "my crazy ex". My virginity has never really "bothered" me, exactly, but I'm starting to think about it long-term. A 22-year-old male virgin isn't unheard of, and sure, people might think there's something wrong with me, but it's nothing to lose sleep over. But a 23-, 24- and 25-year-old male virgin who's not really religious? Most women in my age group and coming age group probably aren't going to want to be with a virgin, unless both of us are super-religious and waiting until marriage (which I'm not). This is not to say I want to lose my virginity with some random hookup (on the off-chance that happens) just for the sake of losing it, but it's frustrating.
Going deeper (no pun intended), there is the human need to want someone to adore and love and cuddle with. I tell myself: "I don't NEED a girlfriend. I would like to have a girlfriend, but I don't NEED another person to make me happy", and I don't, but I'd like to have a little success with women to boost my confidence, even if it's just a kiss under the mistletoe at the cast Christmas party. I'm not looking for my future wife right now, but I think (on a logical level) that it's okay to want to start gaining some experience now.
My classmates don't know I'm transsexual, but they do think I'm a prude of some sort, as I'm not hooking up with everyone else. In all honesty, I probably would, or have some sort of friends-with-benefits relationship, like a lot of them are having, but I physically can't participate in the debauchery. My elders can argue all day that hooking up and FWB -type relationships are harmful, but the issue is not about morality or society' definition of what's emotionally healthy; the issue is, I'm frustrated because I not allowed to experience the same romantic/sexual experiences as my peers, and I may never get to experience it. Am I always going to be that guy who unendingly supports his best friend, wingmans for him, gives him the dorm so he can have his lady over, be best man at his wedding and become uncle to his children, but ends up living vicariously through him, because he can never have what he has?
Anyway, that's my rant. It's probably full of typos because I typed this quickly and it was great therapy.
P.S. I've been on T and living as a man for almost four years, my name and gender are legally male and I pass 100% of the time. I have not had top surgery yet, and I bind relatively well (you can't see anything and you'd have to do some serious chest-groping to figure out my pecs aren't normal.
