Andro, fluid, non binary, and inevitable transition?

[VeronicaLynn]

Here is the choice:  I either maintain the status quo - socially fluid and andro in physical body language and presentation under the mask, at home GQ, in private moments whatever the heck it wants to be including fully transitioned.

And I need to say I love you to the male presentation in the mirror too, for it is a person of faith and courage and commitments and honestly with the odds I had of survival at about one in ten thousand, I need to respect him.  And fluidly he is in that core, and I need to ditch the resentment against males that I got from being abused, which is the root of rejecting my own male nature.

Pronouns are funny.

If I fully transition and do not fight my physical dysphoria by standing my ground and my boundaries, I will in fact lose everything I ever dreamed of having, and there is a very great chance that I will not survive that.

One other idea, since you speak of masks, have you tried one that covers your beard? Some middle eastern headscarves and such can attractive and feminine. Lots of Asian women around here seem to like walking around wearing surgical masks, not sure why. There is also the more western hot pink ski mask, kind of hot indoors though.

You and me both need to ditch the resentment against males, it isn't healthy to feel that way towards roughly 50% of the population. We have to live with them, there really is no other choice there.

[Satinjoy]

I have had one breakthrough after another since breaking down Thursday.  It has been terrific.

One that is useful is this:  the anger at the male face has a huge package of early development issues.  It is totally uncalled for, it allies me with the same people that abused the crap out of me.  Unacceptable.

The other big one is this.  My she physical component can look at my he physical component and acknowledge that he is rather attractive.  And my bisexual female nature can then also jump into it.  That takes me into another realm of self perception that is healthier, and will preserve the male image for my wife, for her perception is only of that component.  While I may react negatively to the idea of being "male", looking at it this way unlocks compassion for both presentations.

I can see the face under that face in a heartbeat.  When I cannot, dysphoria whiplashes.

Yes if I walked out transitioned there would be something covering up the short goatee, I ditched the full beard it is gross.  Shortened as much as possilble, it actually instead of a mask becomes a powerful shield, deflecting those that are confused by percieving and misassigning gender, allowing them to slide into the need for denial, and allowing others to comfortably land in acceptance.

I abhore having a beard.  But I can safely rationalize without distortion the perception required to accept conditions as they are and the huge gift of preserving others from the collateral damage of shifting genders from those they percieved as marrying or having as daddy.

Peace has suddenly come with my physical gender dysphoria.  If this lasts, and the triggers are on the mtf board which saddens me, I love my sisters, but if this lasts, there will be "happy ever after in wonderland."

It would be really cool if this frees someone up from rejecting themselves and suppressing feelings.  The ideas have helped me stop repression and this in turn has soothed my dysphoria so that I can focus it on my famale parts, instead of the male components.  I have very nice female parts in mid transition.

Love to all here.

[JulieBlair]

Satinjoy,
Know what I love about you?  To some degree it is because you are so much like me, but willing to sacrifice so much, and do it with compassion and a smile.  I cannot live your life, the duality would rip me into peices.  Sometimes I worry that It will get you too, but you have hidden strength that transcends the fear and the dysphoria.  Is it your belief in God?  Maybe, I've seen the spirit transform others from impossible places into growth.

I long time ago I came to question my faith, and did what I always do - I studied.  The Bible, the Tanakh, the Vedas, parts of the Katab-i-Aqdas; I thought that through seeking I might find a God that would work for me, one that is a manifestation of acceptance of all people.  Sadly that is not the way spirituality works for me.  By not seeking, by listening and accepting, I have found a spiritual path that works for me.  By rejecting dogma and theology I feel free to seek a connection that is not tied to politics, but aligned with ethics and does not conflict with humanism.  If I was a Zen disciple I would call it the middle way.  From the rock that I look out from, Jesus is a manifestation God, but so are you, and so am I.

Miss Satinjoy, you are one of the most admirable people I know.  I haven't talked about my faith with you because I first wanted to be sure you would not reject my friendship.  I hope I am right.

Via Con Dios,

Julie

[Satinjoy]

No worries there at all Miss Julie.  If you like what I have, then you are welcome to find the same One that found me, and also find me in the Christianity forum on that topic.  I love to post there frequently.

God Bless and enjoy the weekend.  I will be off forum for a few days.

[JulieBlair]

Thank You, I have lost cherished friends because I do not believe as they do.  It is good to know that you remain.
Have a great weekend,
Julie

[VeronicaLynn]

Peace has suddenly come with my physical gender dysphoria.  If this lasts, and the triggers are on the mtf board which saddens me, I love my sisters, but if this lasts, there will be "happy ever after in wonderland."

It would be really cool if this frees someone up from rejecting themselves and suppressing feelings.  The ideas have helped me stop repression and this in turn has soothed my dysphoria so that I can focus it on my famale parts, instead of the male components.  I have very nice female parts in mid transition.

This thread has made me think about things a bit differently, and you've made me feel quite a bit better, Satinjoy.

Yes, the mtf board and some other general boards here can be triggers, they are also useful resources. I hope I don't get a lot of people mad by saying this, but a different sort of non-binary thinking is in order here, they are not good or bad, they are bad if you are in the type of mood where they might make you feel worse, and good if you are trying to find information, or are already feeling dysphoric, and need to talk to someone going through something similar. Misery loves company, and you have to realize by now that most people here are miserable. If you find yourself in a good mood for one reason or another, it's probably not the best idea to go read a bunch of posts by unhappy people. Also, thinking about gender too much is never too good, if you can find distractions in your work or hobbies, even better. Some people, myself included, have a tendency to get all hung up on gender, and forget that there are other things in life.

[helen2010]

VeronicaLynn et al

This thread has been really powerful for me.  So much insight, raw emotion, shared experience and support - I have read and re read each and very posting several times and on each occasion I am blown away.  We have a lot in common and a lot of difference but together this has been such a powerful and impactful experience.  Thank you.

Speaking of triggers - SJ you keep finding mine.  Your ability to express yourself in such a raw and honest way doesn't allow me to run, to deny or to hide.  This is a very good thing indeed.

Blessings to you all.

Aisla