Hello Everyone!
This seemed like a great spot to share my story and struggles and I have to say, I don't know what to do next. Advice is appreciated!
Here goes...
*it is kind of hard to just outline this so bear with my poor organization
I was born in 1990 to a pair of loving parents. They have showered me with love and attention as their first son. I was always expected to be a role model for my 2 younger brothers, and I've always tried to be a good role model for them. From a very young age, I've showed interest in things that aren't always typical for boys/men. When I was little I used to ride around in a motorized pink Barbie Jeep (ALL THE TIME). I went to a private/religious school from preschool until my junior year in high school. My parents were always shoving religion down my throat even after it was clear that I just didn't have the same beliefs. (forcing me to go to church, private schools, etc.) Mostly, I bit my tongue and let things slide just to avoid conflict.
I cared very greatly about school at one point. I used to be challenged and driven to accomplish things that other kids could not. I started moving up grades for subjects such as math and english, and I started working with variables and college-level algebra when I was in 3rd grade. I beat super mario when it came out for the NES or SNES when I was 3 years old. I just understood things at a very early age. I seemed to change schools every couple years (parents disagreeing with the way faculty ran the school) until I found a home at a local private school. The only difference was that they didnt seem to challenge me anymore. I stopped doing homework and noone could make me do it ever again. I have/had no motivation to work for something that I learned simply by paying attention in class. I always wrote top-notch book reports, speeches, got 100%'s on all of my tests, but took 0's on all my homework because I just didn't care about it. Despite my parents' and teachers' many attempts to get me to care about my future and how happy I could be in the future.
Here comes some juicy stuff
During gradeschool, before I ever developped an intimate relationship, (honestly, I dont even remember how it started) there was a boy who I felt very comfortable around. We started fooling around and would come to lunch late after having gone to the bathroom for some fun. We continued this for quite some time. This was my first sexual experience. Eventually, we went to different schools and we moved on with our lives (or so we both thought). During my 8th grade year, I remember an overnight class trip where the girls of our class made the boys pretty with the use of makeup and lipstick and all the works of our young, teenage minds. I had a freaking ball. I have a horrible (maybe not horrible, but I like to be dramatic. Doesn't everyone?) case of ADD so the fact that I can even remember that moment is telltale sign to me that it is important. Full make up, nails, but still my clothes. I remember how great it felt, although I didn't really know why then.
As time went on, I met a girl during my freshman year of high school and having moved from a religious class of 13 to a religious high school of 2000, this was a big change for me. One thing about religious schools is that they instill a strong sense of "right" and "wrong" without there being much grey area. I was strongly pulled toward the "emo" crew. I'm not sure if it was a cry to fit in (as I did not do so well my first year) or if it was just what I knew was in the very least bit acceptable to paint my nails, wear eyeliner, get a piercing or two. To clarify, I mean that I did not entirely understand that I was a girl. But I wanted to be accepted while dying my hair, painting nails, eyeliner, etc. I met a girl who I "fell in love" with and we dated for 6 months before I just didn't want to be with her anymore. I apologize to you women out there but I can't force something when my heart is no longer in it. It was at this point in my life that I became very depressed for lengthy stretches of time and started cutting/debating suicide. I remember taking a bunch of pills one night hoping that I just wouldn't wake up, and the saddest part is that I really just didn't know why everyone (my parents) wouldn't let me do the things I wanted to, such as wear tight clothing and straighten my hair.
I think a part of me died or was buried very deeply along with finally "giving up" or "moving on" from those emo stereotypes. It seemed that I was met with resistance for everything I wanted to be by my parents. My two brothers have been very indifferent/supportive about the whole thing even when my parents could not. One of them even tried to buy me a straightener for a Christmas present, but my parents wouldn't let him. I had a gay friend at this religious high school who helped me through a lot. I think we helped each other a lot in our struggles to be ourselves (although he eventually came out to his parents and is accepted).
As time moved on, I started to notice things. Not prevalent all the time, but there nonetheless. Things like always getting bored with female lovers/relationships. Now, honestly, I think it is more out of jealousy than anything else. Jealous of them for getting to "doll up" and make themselves beautiful, and act all cute and flirty and maybe a little bitchy sometimes. I'm damn near 100% certain it is because I want to do those kinds of things more than anything else in the world.
Anywho, I met a girl. Ashley (who's name I've changed just cause I'm on a power trip). She was my entire world for the 2 years we were together. I really thought that I was going to marry this girl, and I can't say I remember thinking about being a female very often while we were together. (even though I still, definitely did from time to time) She used to make fun of me when I'd say or do things that weren't entirely masculine but I never really thought anything of it and I laughed off. Eventually, time took it's toll once again and once I had a new girl of interest, things fell apart. We tried desperately to make things work but in the end, I had caused too much hurt and strain on the both of us.
DRUGS!
I don't think it was even a week later that I turned to drugs. I met a group of friends that hung out and played videogames while getting high. All I did for probaby a year straight was smoke weed and neglect to do anything truly productive. I had a management job at a local videogame store, so life was easy. Eventually I needed to find another way of funding my habit..
I moved on to selling weed to all of my friends and this turned me into an incredibly shallow person who only cared about money and getting high myself. At least it was better than constantly focusing on my own problems and the life I had but feel like I cannot change. This lasted almost 4 years.
I met an amazing girl while working one day and we hit it off instantly. We have had our share of problems as I waited until very late in life to try and explore my sexuality (i guess, given that my first sexual experiences were with a man). but I went on and I would describe myself as bisexual. Both genders have their positives and negatives in a relationship and I'm not sure whether or not I would even have a preference). I have told my current girlfriend that I am a woman and she simply says that I am not. I am not sure if this is because she just cannot believe it or what, even though it wasn't difficult for her to believe I am bisexual.
In close, I just don't know what to do anymore. Drugs can only help for so long. I find myself constantly in need of weed or cigarettes or alcohol to numb the pain. (although I wouldn't really say I'm addicted, I just can't find another escape from this life or body) I don't think either of my parents would be supportive with their religiously heavy background and I'm not sure myself if I could go on without them. I'm stuck in a pickle between what I think I should do and what I should do. With neither option being clear-cut. I don't know if I will ever be happy with the body I am in, and the longer I wait, the harder it gets.
Thanks for reading,
Comments Welcome
-Nether
PS: sry for spelling errors.
