I think I'm going crazy

[IamLIZ]

I feel like a women and I always have. It's something that I've tried to hide, repress and deny my whole life but I just can't anymore. Denying it has turned me into a monster, stuck in my own head. I've lied, stolen, cheated, faked my way through life all to prove that I was a man when I"m not. At least not deep down in my soul maybe in body only. Everything was alright until I buried my head in pills and weed.

[Jamie D]

No, not crazy!  Crazy would be trying to avoid dealing with the issues.  You are tackling them.

So, Liz, welcome.

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[Jamie D]

I think we all try to avoid it.  Step One of the journey is asking yourself the tough questions, one of which is, "Why do I feel something different than my born sex?"

An awful lot of behaviors can stem that fundamental disconnect.

[IamLIZ]

The only answer I have for that question is either "I don't know" or "because I am"

[Jamie D]

Let's just talk about the MtF, MtA, and male-bodied genderqueer population of the site for a minute.
Do you know how many of us were in the military, or played rough and tumble sports, or are alcoholics, or drug abusers, or sex addicts??  A lot.  Trying to compensate for the gender dysphoria.

None of the things you listed in your intro are surprising - maybe that there are so many - but individually, not at all.

A lot of us cut out friends and family because we have feelings of shame.  Or stay in the closet and suffer.  Or play the societal roles that are expected of us, even if it s slowly killing us (count me in that group).

So you are coming to a reckoning with yourself - you are to be applauded.  40% of us attempt suicide.  As many as half of those are eventually successful.  Sad stats for what is in reality a "birth condition."

[IamLIZ]

I wish I was able to face it sooner. I know everyone has gone through just as much or maybe way more then I could even fathom.

Would this dysphoria really drive me to say such awful things to my girlfriend? To shove her in anger and just be a mean person. I never thought I could even do those things. Be so mean and nasty. I really want it to be because of the drugs I was snorting a lot of adderall and some painkillers at that time. I really hope I'm that person either as a male or female.

It's not my gender I"m afraid to become, maybe a little it is kinda scary but I"m afraid of the person that might be lurking behind. What if it's not the dysphoria or whatever other condition isn't why I did those things. But because I am that monster.

[Jamie D]

I wish I faced it at 13!

I'm not excusing the behaviors, but gender dysphoria can be maddening - literally.

The "monster" is not you - it's the confusion, anger, sadness, and disbelief that sometimes stems from the internal conflicts.  You are going to be seeing a therapist - that's good.  I have seen three - four if you count a psychiatrist I saw while in college (and got the wrong diagnosis!).

Start working on the issues.  Likely they will focus on substance abuse first - got to make sure you are sober.  If you are willing to open up and deal with the underlying conflicts, you might be part of the survivors - with the opportunity to start over.

[IamLIZ]

I'm looking forward to starting over. Thankfully those drugs are a thing of the past but do think I might addicted to weed. Even though it's starting to die down now.  In fact it seems the more I seem comfortable facing this a lot things have changed. OCD seems better now, I've touched so many things lately and I'm not afraid of getting things dirty all of sudden.

I don't understand how this just switched but I would normally want ot go wash my hands again and again but now it just doesn't seem worth it. Part of me feels a bit more free. Not just because I'm starting therapy but because I did this.  It also feels good to talk to something else for once even if it's just a message board. Haven't really spoke to anyone that much lately.

[Jamie D]

Socialization is important.  It's part of why this site exists.

Let me just add one more thing before I head off to sleep ...

True, Ted Bundy-type sociopaths are rare.  He called himself a "cold-hearted SOB."  It seems to me that you are capable of loving and being loved.  You mention your ex-girlfriend and the feelings you have for her.  My first impression is you are not a bad person.  Put the monsters out of your head.  Focus on healing.

[IamLIZ]

Thank you. I think I'm gonna head to bed too, I feel so drained.

"Put the monsters out of your head. Focus on healing" Good words to sleep by. Thank you and goodnight.

[Jamie D]

So, how did you sleep?

[IamLIZ]

Peaceful. I woke feeling relaxed and not frustrated for once. Feels like the first day of a new beginning.

[amZo]

I don't know what's real anymore, I don't want to be this monster I Don't know if this is all in my head some euphoric manifestion that I've smoked myself into some delusioal state.  It's all I think about

I went thru a long period of obsession with these feelings when I finally allowed myself to face them. It lasted a good while, but they settle down and your thoughts will return to 'normal' (whatever that is  )...

[IamLIZ]

I just want to be my version of normal.