Nowhere to run?

[Allyda]

I'm happy to hear Natalia that your Mom is coming around. We girls need our mothers. I've had a rough go with family all my life -and I'm an adoptee. Go figure. My Mom sends me packages once per month and we communicate with letters. The rest of my family is deceased so no worries there. Anyway, best of luck to you. Oh and, I'm one of those delecate thin girls that likes to wear girly things too, lol!

[Annabelle]

Chin up girl If that avatar photo is you I wouldn't be worried about not passing.

[Michelle69]

There are so many great posts already, not sure how much I can add to it.

I've said it before and will probably say it again, but...
This is your life. This is the only life you can know.
If there is a judgment after we die, no one else will be there to answer for what you have done. Not our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors, or George Clooney will be asked why we did what we did.
Choose happiness! We are not responsible for the happiness of other adult peoples. I hate seeing anyone or anything in pain, so if I've hurt anyone it kills me. I've had to learn that others happiness is not something I can give or take away, or I would have gone insane years ago.

I also believe that I could force myself to be a man, for a little while anyway. Having opened something, whether it's Pandora's Box or the Genie's Lamp, I know that I will never be satisfied going back to what I was. I want a normal life, to share a life with someone and grow old with them. Will I pass enough to be a woman in that person's eyes, I don't know. I've got to hope that I will, because anything else will be living a lie. In the end that is what it came down to for me. Feeling like I am a woman is not a choice for me, it will never go away. For me the choice is living a lie, to myself, to the ones that I love and the world, or being me. I choose to me be and take the path less traveled.

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is probably not the sport for you." I am jumping anyway, knowing I have no parachute or safety net. Hope that I find a wonderful life when I land, and not just go splat.

Michelle

[Alaia]

In regards to your family. Realize that for the loved ones of a transgender individual, it is often like going through the stages of grief for them when they hear about you transitioning. While you may be the same person on the inside where it counts, they still see it as a loss of the person they envisioned you to be. This means they will go through denial and isolation, then anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Sometimes the lines blur between those stages and sometimes they never get past anger and bargaining to reach acceptance.

They will say things that are scathingly hurtful, but only because they are so desperate to hold on to the you they believed they knew. You can try to be patient with them if you wish as they go through these stages. But if the environment at home becomes toxic and hostile then I would recommend some distance while they work things out.

I wish you the best. It's a struggle but worth every hardship. *hugs*

[Natalia]

Just updating this depressive topic again with more depressive lines...

I am sorry if I sound too depressive, but I am using this topic to help me relieving my escape valve. I know I can only count and be understood by all my sisters and brothers on this forum because you all know how hard its to be who we are and how hard is to be accepted, even by our dear families.

On the last weeks my grandparents started talking to me again, after a month of ignoring me completely.
On the first day they asked me again about my "crazy idea", but they didn't give me a breach to talk.

My grandmother was all ignorance. She kept saying that I don't look like a girl, that I have the nose of a man, that I have the hands of a man and that I have a big adam's apple.
With only these words my disphoria was already reaching 1000%. I know some things are not true, because my hands are fairly small for a man, but it is awfull to hear that when all you need to hear is the opposite!

Then she kept questioning that I never behaved like a girl and that "this kind of people" are born with female features, like with a female face and voice. There is no way I can be a woman, because I don't look like one.
I told her that no MtF is born looking like a woman. This is the reason why we use hormones to feminize our face and body.

She told me: But you have a beard!
I told her: I can get rid of it with one year of laser treatment.
Then she replies: It will burn all your face! You will see! (In my mind I could see her with two demonic horns and yelling at me "you will burn!")

But then she says with a sarcastic smile: ok, fine, be a woman! Do you already have a name? Tomorrow you will be the one here that will clean the dishes! It's better for you to start training right now!
I decided to let things that way and not question her because I didn't want one more month like the previous one.

I just can't believe my own grandmother, a woman, thinks of women like that. Can a woman be that sexist? That's my grandmother!

I told them to not worry much because I am more concerned with other subjects, like getting a job and finishing my graduation. It is not exactly a lie, because I am really committed with those matters, but I can't stop thinking about my transition...like I am thinking about it at every minute. I am really trying hard to look more feminine to behave more feminine, so this is a subject that I can't forget. It is who I am.

*breath

Today my mother talked a bit with my grandparents about my transition and their reactions were not very good. My grandfather showed again total intolerance and said that he won't allow me to live here anymore if I am really considering this idea. (I really don't believe it). They also said that I am very problematic and that I am a problem myself. They think that those "crazy ideas" are with me because of taking finasteride for my hair loss (sure, everyone that takes finasteride gets transformed into a woman) and they also thinks that I am not behaving like a "good boy" because sometimes I argue with them when I want to make a point of why I am what I am.

They think I will change my mind. Sure, after 5 months and a half on HRT, having a small taste of the the world how it should have been, I want to revert back and live as a sterile man with boobs.

I don't have means to live by my own and keep going with my transition. I don't want to be a sad man barely having money to buy food living away from my family.

I'd rather die than to live as a man and to be back and look how I was before. If they decide to support and accept me, thank you! If they don't, if they plan to kick me out of home, if they plan to "cut my wings", then that will be what will happen. If they want me to die, I'll die. Being alive doesn't matter anymore to me. Or I'll live as a woman and be accepted for the only people I care, or I'd rather die right now and end this misery.
It is their choice now.

Again, I am sorry for the wall of text. I just needed to write this...after all, writing can help me a bit, even if nobody reads.

I won't give up my transition. I know that I need to find a job and get out of here if I want to be independent...but I am a totally silly and naive girl and I am always expecting the good outcomes... I still have hope that I can be accepted, even if it looks like a very distant possibility...

[stephaniec]

It's sad , but your grand parents will never except you. I think you need to except that reality .

[JamesG]

Yeah,  even if they "accepted" they really can't understand it.  People of their generation, "didn't do that", not because there weren't trans people, but because the understanding and technology wasn't there. Trans people became celibate monks/nuns, "funny uncles", or killed themselves.

As for the family line.... suggest that maybe you should go on a tour of bars and nightclubs around the world with the goal of impregnating as many women as possible.  Maybe that will "check that box" for them (or at least shut them up). 

[Jodi.LP]

Do what make you truly happy at the end... I thought about not transitioning because of what family might say but then i realized that if I don't try this transition while im still young I may forever regret it.... and who has time for regrets?? I know you may value your mother's opinion and that you may love her but I believe your internal peace and happiness is greater

[Natalia]

Ok, so everything changed a bit now...for the better!  Who knows I can close this thread with a good "everything is all right"?

I was really sad and depressed after my last post...I was feeling so lost and I couldn't stand like that anymore.

Here we have a saying (I can't translate very well) that is something like "or it will fix, or it will break". It is exactly what I have decided to do. Or I will fix my situation or I will break it once for all. I couldn't stand on the middle anymore. And I decided to do it by "throwing a cold water bucket" on my parents.

I called everyone for a conversation and I told the subject: my "crazy idea" of transitioning into a woman.

My grandmother started saying that again I am a man and that my idea would go away with time. Then she started with the same arguments: "but your voice is a male voice"

I replied a big and sound "you are very mistaken. It sounds quite feminine sometimes and it has always been this way. I can learn to make it sounds even more female."

She asked me: Who told you that?

I said with a very female voice: My phonoaudiologist. I have been secretly seeing one on the last month.

Then I think she was a bit of in shock that I was really going forward and that my transition was not some "crazy idea", but a reality in motion.

I tried to elucidate things the best I could. I was not trying to explain the causes or why I want to be a woman, but I tried to explain what will be of my future, that my future can be a bright one if they can help me to build it.

I explained carefully that I am can look female with some effort and FFS. I showed her a pic of me with a virtual wig and make-up (the same of my profile here) and then she got stunned: "Is this you? No, it can't be..."
But she realized that it was my face, just with a different presentation. Here she met Natalia.

I could see that from this moment on she got more open and started accepting more that I can have a future as a woman.

I told her that, if I can look like my photo, I may be able to pass and, perhaps, live in stealth. This way I won't be in risk of being victim of a random homophobic or transphobic in the streets (one of my family greatest fears).

She agreed. My grandfather was only listening and he wanted to see my photo too, but he stood mute all the way.

Then I told that I already started my facial hair removal (IPL) and that it is a quite simple and cheap method, and that with some luck I can be rid of my facial hair until the end of the year.

I kept telling them that I am already presenting changes as I am on hormones for more than 5 months. I was wearing a very thigh t-shirt and my developing breasts were clearly visible. I pointed at them and I said: I am already having very visible changes and from these ones (I grabbed my breasts) there is no return, even if I wanted to stop everything.

To end with all, I asked them to not treat me badly again, because they are the only family I have and I need their support.

My grandmother said that it will be difficult for her because she knew me her entire life as a boy and that she have never suspected of anything...but she didn't try to discourage me anymore. She even told me that my eyebrows won't need much work and finished saying "so you are a woman"

I could listen on her voice that she was being a lot more open and sincere.

At the end of this conversation we stood together having a very nice talk about other unrelated things. I said good night and all returned to normality. My grandfather, besides being mute almost the entire time, was also being receptive and didn't treat me bad.

So, I think that my hopes were right! I am now feeling  A LOT better and I am just not feeling even better because I am afraid that tomorrow things might change again... I'm just not believing that everything went so fine this time...I hope I am not dreaming!

I want to thank every one of you that helped me with advices and incredible messages that helped to cheer me up every time I needed. This support was essential for me to be where I am now. I it wasn't for you all I don't know where I would be. A huuuuuge hug for all of you! Thank you! ^^

PS.: I hope this is my last message in this topic and that from now on I have a place to run!

[Ltl89]

I'm glad things are looking up.

[stephaniec]

good luck

[JamesG]

At this very moment your grandmother is scheming up a passive-aggressive campaign to "turn you back into a man". 

But kudos for winning rounds 2 & 3.

[Allyda]

Natalia I'm so happy for you that things with your family are beginning to come around. You are very lucky. For me, Having family support through transition is something that will only happen on a limited basis, and unfortunately only with my adopted Mother for she's all I have left. And we only communicate via letters -no phone calls, etc. so you can see why I'm so happy for you and your family that they'll be with you for the wonderful journey you have begun.
I wish you all the best.

As for me, I'm shooting for the hot 50 year old who doesn't look her age, lol!
Ally

[Natalia]

As I wrote on another topic...my mother died yesterday morning...

I have found her sleeping confortably in her bed, covered with blankets. I thought she was sleeping and I decided not to bother her as it was kind of early...two hours later I decided to wake her...I came closer to touch her and say "mom, it's past time to wake up"...but she was cold! I put my hand close to her nose and I couldn't feel any breathing...I turned on the light and she was totally pale and a bit blue...she was dead... I got totally is despair. I tried to hold her hand but her body was rigid...

I yelled the louder I could and I called my grandparents...they got tottaly despaired...my grandpaftehr kept saying "my little daughter" and he kept trembling and crying .....my grandmotehr was inshock and I couldn't believe...I kept repeating to myself "this is not true".

She was with a calm expression, eyes closed...no sign of any pain. She was on a very confortable position...she must have passed away while sleeping and she didn't feel any pain...she just went to seleep and did not wake anymore...

The medical avaliation stated that she had a heart stroke, probably bbecause of a severe respiratory depression.

She took a lot of pills...controlled pills...but she didn't want to die...I am sure it wasn't her intention...but she was having a long history of almost dying situations on the last months...since I came out to her as a trans...
She was suffering a lot...I know that it is not my fault...she was always this way...she always had problems with pills and alcohol...and she almost died last years a few times...before I coming out.

But I keep telling me that my coming out was what made she gets worse...

I know that I made all that I could, my entire life, to take care of her. I was always at her side, I always helped her and gave advices. I took her everywhere, I was alwyas making her meals and help cleaning ther bedroom...I was extremely close to her.... We were used to go out together, have lunch together, eat pizza together, watch movies together...and we loved to spend hours talking every day. I loved to lay down close to her and she was alwasy my dear mother that kept caressing my head even if I was not a child anymore...I'm going to miss her so much...I can't even think about it 

I am just holding here because I took a lot of sedatives...yesterday I cried the entire day...now I am just feeling "on the clouds"...I can't accept it...and I can't think. If I start to think I will fall in despair again.

And I keep feeling guilty, I keep thinking that my revelation as a trans was too much for her. She always had problems...my new problem was too much for her.

She understood me and she was close to accepting me as a girl. She gave me some clothes, she started treating me like her daughter sometimes...using feminine pronouns...but now she is dead! 

Now I only have my grandmother with 75 years old and my grandfather with 80 years old....

I am realistic...they won't live much longer...

And then I will be completely alone.

My grandmother told me that she was already accepting my transition, but that I will be totally alone if I go on with it...and now I am quite sure that I will really be alone...and as a trans it will be so hard to find anyone...

I was eager to go on, but now that my mother died and without a father or any other familiar...I don't know what to do...I don't want to be a lone...totally alone...

I don't want to go back and stop HRT, but my mother dying was too much for me...I don't know what to do anymore...I just want to bury myself and wake up in 10 years from now...

And I know that if I stop HRT right now I will have problems. After 6 months of HRT I must be irrevesibly sterile, right? I don't have any ejaculate at all. I have boobs...I can't go back. I don't want to go back...

Will I be able to don't be alone as a trans? Did I kill my mother? Should I kill myself and end this all? I am lost...

[stephaniec]

first of  all, It would be great to talk to a therapist as soon as you can. I know you said you have one. You had absolutely nothing to do with her death. You've said she had her own problems for a long time. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was 8. I lost my dad 20 years ago. You move on the best you can . I'm sure your grand parents will be there for you and will need you as much as you need them.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

Will I be able to be alone as a trans? Did I kill my mother? Should I kill myself and end this all?

Yes.
No...and you shouldn't think to yourself that you did.
Absolutely not. No way.

When I read your post about this yesterday, I was in tears. I haven't had to go through this yet, but it made me think about it. I've thought it about it a few times. There was one time when my mom was in a car wreck a few years ago and when my aunt called me and told me about it, that was my first thought: 'she's dead'. That thought absolutely terrified me.

But reading that yesterday, it really tore me up. It's such a sad thing to think about and to endure. I've had to deal with the deaths of my grandparents (on both sides), one cousin, an uncle and a friend. But, the idea of losing my mom terrifies me. I honestly don't know what is going to happen when it gets to that point. I can't even imagine being in your situation and finding out the way that you did. I felt so sad for you. I really did.

I really don't know what else to say.

[FrancisAnn]

Natalia, I feel your pain & so hope things work out with all your family. In the long run life will be better with as much family as possible. I wish I had fought harder to make peace with some family rather than just going my own way.

[Allyda]

Natalia I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Yes, you can go on alone being trans (though you'll never truly be alone with all of your sisters here at Susan's), no, your coming out didn't make your mother's condition worse, and adamantly NO!, you shouldn't even think about that last one! If I were you I'd take Stephanie's advice and meet with your therapist as soon as you can. If your on good terms with the rest of your family maybe they can help too. In any case I wish you the best in getting through this tough time. Take care.

Ally

[Natalia]

Thank you for all your kind words...

I am feeling better now...I am holding up with sedatives, but I am calmer.

When  things like this one happens they can change you completely in a way you can't describe.

There is nothing worse than regret.

I don't regret anything about my moyther. I was, for sure, the best son I could be. But life is so fragile...you are alive now, but and tomorrow?

I had written in other topic about a girl that I was in love. I regret not saying to her that I loved her. But today I sent her a message. I said it all. Everything. I might lose her friendship, or I might win a girlfriend. At least I will have no regrets about it.

I am a trans, I am sure. I don't regret it. I don't want to stop and go back and try to be a boy again...but she doesn't knnow about it.

And if my dear passion of my life says yes for my proposal? She will not accept me as a trans...

And I think I'd rather live with her as the way I was than be alone as a woman. I'm not sure about this, I know I won't be happy with my body and my gender...but is it worth it? Stop everything because of love?

And can I stop?

I am on HRT for almost 6 months. I don't have any ejaculate...I  must be permanently sterile....

And I have boobs. I don't want to take them out...I am loving them...If I take them out I'll never be able to have boobs aggain!

I don't know what to do...

[JamesG]

Wow.  Sorry for your loss.