Nowhere to run?

[Natalia]

Hello girls,
I am sorry about my wall of text, but I feel I need to write this because I feel I am freaking out with my feelings...I really don't have anybody to give me advices, just my therapist, but I will see her only at the end of the week...

Well, about one week ago I finally came out to my mom.

Her reaction has been different and her opinions about it changes everyday...but it seems that not for the better.

She keeps saying to me that my life is already very difficult and that it will get a lot worse if I change into a woman. I am aware that I will have to face not being accepted and having trouble in any job I get, or getting weird looks...but she really thinks that my life will be a hell if I transition.

I am finishing the university, I don't have a wife, kids or any job right now...I told her that a lot of people are in way more difficult positions than mine, but I don't think she will change her mind.
She says that this is the only thing that keeps her from accepting my transition...

She doesn't know that I am taking hormones for about 4 months now...so she thinks that this is just some crazy idea I have and that I should forget about it and stay the way I am.
I don't feel I can. I mean, I actually can, but if I choose to do so my life will keep being the same horrible fake thing. Now that I could feel just a bit about how it is to be a woman, I don't want to go back. I don't want to stop HRT and get everything back to "male mode"...

Before realizing about my disphoria and before starting HRT perhaps I could live that way...but I don't think I can now... and I think this feeling will only get worse with time...

Also she keeps telling me that I'd be an ugly manly woman...I really don't mind not being a pretty beautiful hot woman, but I want to be passable...I know my nose is too big and that my hairline was receding...but now new hair is growing and I can see my face getting a different shape...I still I can't see myself as a woman...and I don't know if someday I will.

This is something that discourages me. Looking for my future and wondering if I will be passable someday...

I want to be a woman, because I feel I am a woman inside...I know transition will make me feel great with myself, but a big part of being a woman is also being accepted as a woman...

And if I can't be passable? And if I can't find a job because of that? Can my life get worse than it is right now?

I feel I don't have where to run. I don't want to live as a male, and I don't know if I will be passable as a female.
But perhaps this is my mom filling my head with ideas to make me give up...how real are this ideas? What can I do?

Sorry to come here and vomit this wall of text, but I felt I needed to write it, even if antbody reads.

[Jessica Merriman]

Baby, it is YOUR life to live, she has had hers. Pass ability? It is in your heart, your soul and if you believe that sincerely, it will show. Look at my avatar, not real passable is it? My therapist said I believe in and have such confidence in myself it MAKES others believe it as much as I do. I have not had, so far, one off look or comment about my appearance or guess at my gender. Those that get "made" are doing it themselves by appearing unsure or nervous of their actions. You just have to let it flow and believe. I believe I am a woman so therefore I am. If you think and feel your destiny is to be female, do it. Life is too short to live for other people's expectations. Be the real you and you will have a good life and be free of regret later.

[Misato]

My nose is big and I'm 5'10. I get by in my day to day life. My friends all know I'm trans and yet yesterday I found myself in a room with a bunch of women talking about bra shopping and what trimester is safe to do what all the while gushing over boys on TV. I'll second what Jessica had to say and add people seem to care more about personality.

As for job, it's pretty much the same thing with a need for competence thrown in. Competence is all I want from my colleagues, and that's all the owner of the game store my SO works at wants.

Really, I don't see how you could be successful in your social or professional life if you revert back to male mode. Growing older, seeing your friends and family get all they want while you have to suppress what you need, it's tough. Drove me to anger and finding bottles of beer I didn't want but drank anyway.

I know transition will make me feel great with myself

That's the heart of the matter right there.

[stephaniec]

the only thing I can say is that I guessing your well past 18 years old if not past 21 unless your a 13 year old child prodigy just finishing college. Your an adult its your life and you got to live it not any one else.

[Natalia]

Baby, it is YOUR life to live, she has had hers. Pass ability? It is in your heart, your soul and if you believe that sincerely, it will show. Look at my avatar, not real passable is it? My therapist said I believe in and have such confidence in myself it MAKES others believe it as much as I do. I have not had, so far, one off look or comment about my appearance or guess at my gender. Those that get "made" are doing it themselves by appearing unsure or nervous of their actions. You just have to let it flow and believe. I believe I am a woman so therefore I am. If you think and feel your destiny is to be female, do it. Life is too short to live for other people's expectations. Be the real you and you will have a good life and be free of regret later.

Thank you Jessica (you are looking good by the way!) ^^ I know I will regret if I give up and bury my feelings deep inside again...perhaps passability is not that important as I think... what really matter is how you feel with yourself.

Really, I don't see how you could be successful in your social or professional life if you revert back to male mode. Growing older, seeing your friends and family get all they want while you have to suppress what you need, it's tough. Drove me to anger and finding bottles of beer I didn't want but drank anyway.

Thanks Misato! I think on all those things...I would probably end like a lonely guy on a lonely place...alone. It is pretty much how I lived until today...if I don't change it I think this will be my fate.

I can't find confort in drinking, but sometimes I get so deeply angered with myself that I end hurting myself really hard...I know this is not a good signal...it might evolve to something worse. No, I have never considered suicide, but I don't know if living as a male and knowing that I am not a male couldn't bring me this kind of thoughts...

the only thing I can say is that I guessing your well past 18 years old if not past 21 unless your a 13 year old child prodigy just finishing college. Your an adult its your life and you got to live it not any one else.

lol no, I have 26...I know I am not a child anymore, but living so close to my mom as I live, it is hard for me to go foward without her approval and consent. You are right, it is my life and I need to get control over it. I lived until today just being pushed by the flow, attending to my family expectations and burying my feelings...it is far past the time for me to grow up and decide things for myself...thanks for helping me to see it.

[Misato]

I can't find confort in drinking, but sometimes I get so deeply angered with myself that I end hurting myself really hard...I know this is not a good signal...it might evolve to something worse. No, I have never

I didn't find comfort in the bottle either. One of the many reasons why my drinking was a problem.

I'm very glad you're in a position where you'll be able to avoid the drink trap.

[Jessica Merriman]

Thank you Jessica (you are looking good by the way!)
...it is far past the time for me to grow up and decide things for myself...thanks for helping me to see it.

Thanks for the compliment!

It is hard to change the familiar routine's in life. You are seeing the light and will make it and do just fine. If you need anything else at all PM anytime with any question that needs talked about. I am always available most of the time.

[Ltl89]

My mother said all that stuff to me as well.  It hurts, but it doesn't make it true.  You seem young and to have a whole life ahead of you.  Don't believe your life is over when it's only just beginning.  And I worried big time about passing in the past as well.  Let me tell you that it really "can" improve.  In my case, hormones have made a big difference for me, but it took time and dose adjustments. Maybe it will work out for you in the end.  Also, remember that we are the hardest critics of ourselves.  What is a tiny flaw or a non issue to others may be earth shattering for us.  As for family, I can relate in that department.  What I will say is that even though it still hurts when my family screams and harshly criticize me, I know that at the very least they are wrong about some things (I can pass and there are people that can accept me).  They can shout all they want and claim to know my future, but it doesn't make it true because I've experienced enough to prove them wrong.  I've met enough awesome people along the way to know that I'll be able to make it and find acceptance (in terms of employment and social relationships) despite the fact that there may be hardships due to being trans.  Think of it this way, how many people here are socially accepted as female and have employment?  Enough people to show you that it's possible.  Life is hard and there will be bumps along the road, but you can make it and be yourself at the same time.  As long as you work hard, believe in yourself and postively deal with the struggles as they come, you can succeed.  I'm often down on myself and complain about my hardships (and I've enountered many during my short transition and still face many of them at this very moment), but in the grandscheme of things I know that I'm lucky and that somewhere there is an amazing future for me to live.  I really can't say what lies ahead for you (honestly I don't know) but realize that your families bleak view is not definite and that life can be worth living even as a transgender individual.  Don't let them taint and distort your self worth and destroy your confidence like I let mine do to me.  Good luck with everything.  I really hope it will work out for you.

[Natalia]

My mother said all that stuff to me as well.  It hurts, but it doesn't make it true.  You seem young and to have a whole life ahead of you.  Don't believe your life is over when it's only just beginning.  And I worried big time about passing in the past as well.  Let me tell you that it really "can" improve.  In my case, hormones have made a big difference for me, but it took time and dose adjustments. Maybe it will work out for you in the end.  Also, remember that we are the hardest critics of ourselves.  What is a tiny flaw or a non issue to others may be earth shattering for us.  As for family, I can relate in that department.  What I will say is that even though it still hurts when my family screams and harshly criticize me, I know that at the very least they are wrong about some things (I can pass and there are people that can accept me).  They can shout all they want and claim to know my future, but it doesn't make it true because I've experienced enough to prove them wrong.  I've met enough awesome people along the way to know that I'll be able to make it and find acceptance (in terms of employment and social relationships) despite the fact that there may be hardships due to being trans.  Think of it this way, how many people here are socially accepted as female and have employment?  Enough people to show you that it's possible.  Life is hard and there will be bumps along the road, but you can make it and be yourself at the same time.  As long as you work hard, believe in yourself and postively deal with the struggles as they come, you can succeed.  I'm often down on myself and complain about my hardships (and I've enountered many during my short transition and still face many of them at this very moment), but in the grandscheme of things I know that I'm lucky and that somewhere there is an amazing future for me to live.  I really can't say what lies ahead for you (honestly I don't know) but realize that your families bleak view is not definite and that life can be worth living even as a transgender individual.  Don't let them taint and distort your self worth and destroy your confidence like I let mine do to me.  Good luck with everything.  I really hope it will work out for you.

Thanks Learningto live! Your words have a great power! I hope your family is accepting better you now... but I am sure time can and will change things. for both of us.
It is easy to be against us and try to discourage and destroy our motivations, because they don't know how we feel. They live in harmony with their bodies and they never ever had this persistent feeling of living the bigger of the lies. Their problems are so different and some are so silly and easy to solve close to ours.
And to worse things my mother thinks it is all about sex and she have the very wrong idea that I will become a travestite and that I will start selling my body at the streets. I don't know how she can be so blind about it...this is not about sex at all. Of course it is related to sex, but that is a minor part. I just want to feel good with my body and I want to feel I am tuned with myself, to be allowed to show and express my femininty, that is my real self...
I won't let them change my mind. I know this is the right thing for me, despite of all the difficulties it can bring to me...I know I am destined to be female.
Thanks for your words! They were exactly what I needed to hear (or read ^^)

[Natalia]

Hmmm sorry about making this topic kind of a diary, but...

As I have posted before, my mother didn't get very well I telling her I am a transgender and, as she have no friends (just like me), she ended up telling my grandmother and grandfather (I live with them), because she had to talk about it with someone.

My grandmother reaction was like this:
-   She told me that this was the biggest disappointment on all her life
-   She intends to sell our house because she can't bare I transitioning on the same place we have been living for more than 15 years
-   She said a lot of times that I need to think more about it
-   She said "damn computers, If those things didn't exist you wouldn't be having those crazy ideas"

With my grandfather it was even worse...he was like a father for me and for a long time he liked to say that I am his biggest idol...
-   He told me that I can do it, but he hopes that he will be dead before...
-   He thinks that the "damn computer" spoiled my mind and made me go on with "crazy ideas"
-   The rest of the time he stood silent and avoiding contact with me.

Both of them thinks that I need to see a doctor and find ways of become more manly. They think I started to have this idea when I started taking finasteride for my hair loss and that it made me want to become a woman. They think that I need to take testosterone to become a man again...

Also, they think that once I was not a feminine boy nor had visible girl tendencies as a child that I am not transgender.

Then my grandmother started to take it lightly...she told me that now I will be the responsible to wash the dishes and so on...
I really don't know what to think.

After it we had lunch and no one talked about it...only a few jokes about if I was going to wash the dishes or not and that I need to be cautious if I want to make a plastic surgery to get a more feminine nose or I will end looking like an ogre.

After the lunch I talked with my mom more about it and she even asked what my name will be, and this time she was serious!

I think things are getting better, besides the overall reactions being negative...but I doubt that any family would accept this kind of thing with their arms open.

And to be worse, I am the only and last descendant of my family...If I don't have kids, I will be last of my line. This bothers me a bit...and of course this bothers a lot the rest of my small family...

[Jessica Merriman]

Both of them thinks that I need to see a doctor and find ways of become more manly. They think I started to have this idea when I started taking finasteride for my hair loss and that it made me want to become a woman. They think that I need to take testosterone to become a man again...]
Won't work, but then we both know that.

[Also, they think that once I was not a feminine boy nor had visible girl tendencies as a child that I am not transgender.]
That's what everyone says, but we know it is not true.

[Then my grandmother started to take it lightly...she told me that now I will be the responsible to wash the dishes and so on...]
Not going to touch this one!
[ and that I need to be cautious if I want to make a plastic surgery to get a more feminine nose or I will end looking like an ogre.]
SIGH!

[After the lunch I talked with my mom more about it and she even asked what my name will be, and this time she was serious!]
May be slightly coming around, some hope.

[I think things are getting better, besides the overall reactions being negative...but I doubt that any family would accept this kind of thing with their arms open.]
Very true it is hard to except especially for us.

[And to be worse, I am the only and last descendant of my family...If I don't have kids, I will be last of my line. This bothers me a bit...and of course this bothers a lot the rest of my small family...

Not trying to step on your beliefs it is just hundreds of species go extinct every day. What is the purpose to carrying on a name if it is a symbol of repression and dreams unrealized?

[stephaniec]

this is totally my own opinion, but who's life do you want , yours or your family's, I think if your having this much trouble your should be getting more active help from your therapist. I hope your therapy isn't the one way passive approach where you just go in an talk with no feed back or help.

[Natalia]

Not trying to step on your beliefs it is just hundreds of species go extinct every day. What is the purpose to carrying on a name if it is a symbol of repression and dreams unrealized?

Well, you are right...This sounds like some romantic speech from an old epic novel, but being the last of your line is not that much, unless you are the last of a noble family. My family had a "famous" painter and nothing more. A lot of my uncles died of cancer and most of them were so ignorant and close-minded that I want to vomint every time I remember that I carry their genes.

I only feel bad for my mother, that had a hidden desire to be a grandmother...but unless I adopt a child someday I don't think I can do very much about it.

Besides that...not having kids and being the last of your line can be a good thing too (I don't want to look superficial or greedy like Uncle Scrooge, but...):

- As I won't have children, all my family herilooms will be mine one day...only mine *maniac laugh*
- I won't need to save money for my future generation, because there will be none, I can do whatever I wish with my piossessions.
- This will allow me to get older with some financial stability even if I can't find a job (what can be difficult due to my sitation as a trans and here in Brazil this is not very much accepted).
- Money won't bring you friends, but of course it can bring you good food, entertainment and plastic surgeries!

When I am on my last days I can make a big donation to some institution...to help chidren or transgender people, who knows.

this is totally my own opinion, but who's life do you want , yours or your family's, I think if your having this much trouble your should be getting more active help from your therapist. I hope your therapy isn't the one way passive approach where you just go in an talk with no feed back or help.

My therapist is not very active to give me strong ideas...but she helps me giving me good advices of things that can be done. Next tuesday I have an appointment with her and I intend to be there with my mom/grandmother with me. I think my therapist can help to explain to them that my problems aren't a silly invention that I can forget and live on with it.

[Aina]

Natalia I feel you about the whole "damn computer things"

My parents to this day blame anything they can on the computers. See I spend and still spend a lot of time on the computer.  I am sure once I come out to them they will blame it, the ironic thing is I think being transgender is what got me to hide in my room and play video games all day.

[emilyking]

Just do what you know in your heart.
Having repressed it as long as I did, it took a huge tole on myself.  I let my body just kinda go.  I am over weight, my teeth are bad.
I finally came out this year, and don't want to look back.
Now, I'm working on eating better, taking care of myself.

[Natalia]

My mother says she will support me and that she loves me...but she thinks I am confused and that I am rushing things. After I told her again and again that I though about it a lot and that it was extremely hard for me to come out to her she then stated that this must be some kind of "black magic" that was cast upon our family...some kind of curse made from people that hates us and the demon wants to destroy our family (and she is not even a religious person).

She had a talk with my grandmother and grandfather this morning...she told me that they won't allow me to go on with it and that if I decide to go on they won't allow me to live here anymore. She said that my situation is very bad...they want me to change my mind and keep living this lie.

My grandfather feels betrayed by me. He is very angry and both he and my grandmother thinks that this is all my therapist's fault. They want to speak to her this next tuesday as they think that she is putting these ideas on my mind. I already told them that I looked for help because I was with these ideas on my mind and that no one has being influencing me...

Then it is fault of the "damn internet"...

If I had ways of living by my own and if I had friends...things would be different...but I need them...emotionaly and financialy...I don't have anybody...

Will they cast me out like garbage because I am different?  I can't believe they are like this...I live with them since I was born...I love them! I am feeling betrayed. This is the first time in all my life that I need them and this is the way they treat me? I am not becoming someone different. It is not the color of my clothes or the shape of my that will make me different. Why it is so hard for them to see it?

Just do what you know in your heart.
Having repressed it as long as I did, it took a huge tole on myself.  I let my body just kinda go.  I am over weight, my teeth are bad.
I finally came out this year, and don't want to look back.
Now, I'm working on eating better, taking care of myself.

I know what I have to do...denying it will only bring me more despair and sadness. Now that I know I was living a lie and now that I've been on HRT and could feel so tuned with myself I don't think I can stop it and go back like nothing ever happened...

I am eating better and running/riding a bike every weekend. I am getting on my shape and besides that it is an amazing sensation that of riding a bycicle on a beautiful park, getting in contact with the nature and breath some fresh air...but even losing weight is something that my family is bothering me. They want me to go back and get overweight again...because I am getting too thin to their eyes.

Natalia I feel you about the whole "damn computer things"

My parents to this day blame anything they can on the computers. See I spend and still spend a lot of time on the computer.  I am sure once I come out to them they will blame it, the ironic thing is I think being transgender is what got me to hide in my room and play video games all day.

Me too! I got two major addictions on games because I wanted to escape from my life. First I spent a lot of time living as Natalia on Second Life. It was a marvelous life, but it was only a dream and a demonstration of how my life would have been if I was a woman. On a way it helped me to go on with my researchs and to finaly find out I am transgender.

After it I spent a lot of time playing World of Warcraft. I have 5 level 90 toons...my main has more than 2 months of played time...

If it wasn't for this "damn computer" my life would be a lot worse.

[Ltl89]

Hmmm sorry about making this topic kind of a diary, but...

As I have posted before, my mother didn't get very well I telling her I am a transgender and, as she have no friends (just like me), she ended up telling my grandmother and grandfather (I live with them), because she had to talk about it with someone.

My grandmother reaction was like this:
-   She told me that this was the biggest disappointment on all her life
-   She intends to sell our house because she can't bare I transitioning on the same place we have been living for more than 15 years
-   She said a lot of times that I need to think more about it
-   She said "damn computers, If those things didn't exist you wouldn't be having those crazy ideas"

With my grandfather it was even worse...he was like a father for me and for a long time he liked to say that I am his biggest idol...
-   He told me that I can do it, but he hopes that he will be dead before...
-   He thinks that the "damn computer" spoiled my mind and made me go on with "crazy ideas"
-   The rest of the time he stood silent and avoiding contact with me.

Both of them thinks that I need to see a doctor and find ways of become more manly. They think I started to have this idea when I started taking finasteride for my hair loss and that it made me want to become a woman. They think that I need to take testosterone to become a man again...

Also, they think that once I was not a feminine boy nor had visible girl tendencies as a child that I am not transgender.

Then my grandmother started to take it lightly...she told me that now I will be the responsible to wash the dishes and so on...
I really don't know what to think.

After it we had lunch and no one talked about it...only a few jokes about if I was going to wash the dishes or not and that I need to be cautious if I want to make a plastic surgery to get a more feminine nose or I will end looking like an ogre.

After the lunch I talked with my mom more about it and she even asked what my name will be, and this time she was serious!

I think things are getting better, besides the overall reactions being negative...but I doubt that any family would accept this kind of thing with their arms open.

And to be worse, I am the only and last descendant of my family...If I don't have kids, I will be last of my line. This bothers me a bit...and of course this bothers a lot the rest of my small family...

So much of this is familiar to me.  My mom threatened to kick me out of the house or sell the house so she wouldn't see my transition.  She too blamed society and my friends for turning me into "a transgender" and wanted me to go on Testosterone and conversion therapy to correct these thoughts.  And yes, I was called disappointing, embarrassing, and a freak by her (among other terrible names).  Being the only boy and that I was perfect in her eyes, it kills her that I'm not going to have the family that she wants.  She'd rather me repress all of my feelings and live as a straight cisgender male even if it makes me unhappy.  As you can see, she had many of the same concerns and was adamantly opposed to everything.  In my case, things have improved to a degree, but it's still rough.  What I'll say is that things did get a little better as I still live at home and was never physically kicked out.  Though, it's been a hell of a lot more painful to live in the same house with my mother during this period as it is emotional for everyone involved.  It was my choice to stay and work on my family issues because they are important to me and I don't have much money; nonetheless, I did pay the emotional toll for making this decision (even though I feelt it's the right one for me).

I don't know your family r if things will go the same way (everyone's life is different), but transitioning under someone else's roof can be hard and emotionally draining.  Now things can get better if they are willing to learn and adapt; however, it really depends on whether or not they give that effort and how much they bend.  If they can fully accept it and learn to accept it, that can be a great way to develop a support structure and save much needed money for your transition. If they don't make much of an effort, you could put yourself into a tense living environment which may not be the best thing during such an emotional period.  And sometimes being too close to the transition makes it more difficult for their wounds to heal.  This is something to consider if they are giving you a really hard time.  There are pro's and cons to both sides.  Just a warning from someone who has been there and still is. 

In any case, everyone's family and life is different, so I'm really hoping everything goes towards the positive part of the spectrum for you.  Good luck with the therapy session!

[Ltl89]

By the way, would you have the means to get your own place if it came to that?  Is there someone you could rent or room with?  If you couldn't pay for it, would anyone let you stay over on a temp basis?  Would your grandparents ensure that you had another place before kicking you out? Sorry for the questions, but it's best to prepare.  I had no plan on where to really go other than sleep at my sister's house (otherwise it was my car), so I was lucky it never came to that.  In any case, it's wise to be as prepared possible.  Good luck and sorry you are going through all this.

[Natalia]

So much of this is familiar to me.  My mom threatened to kick me out of the house or sell the house so she wouldn't see my transition.  She too blamed society and my friends for turning me into "a transgender" and wanted me to go on Testosterone and conversion therapy to correct these thoughts.  And yes, I was called disappointing, embarrassing, and a freak by her (among other terrible names).  Being the only boy and that I was perfect in her eyes, it kills her that I'm not going to have the family that she wants.  She'd rather me repress all of my feelings and live as a straight cisgender male even if it makes me unhappy.  As you can see, she had many of the same concerns and was adamantly opposed to everything.  In my case, things have improved to a degree, but it's still rough.  What I'll say is that things did get a little better as I still live at home and was never physically kicked out.  Though, it's been a hell of a lot more painful to live in the same house with my mother during this period as it is emotional for everyone involved.  It was my choice to stay and work on my family issues because they are important to me and I don't have much money; nonetheless, I did pay the emotional toll for making this decision (even though I feelt it's the right one for me).

I don't know your family r if things will go the same way (everyone's life is different), but transitioning under someone else's roof can be hard and emotionally draining.  Now things can get better if they are willing to learn and adapt; however, it really depends on whether or not they give that effort and how much they bend.  If they can fully accept it and learn to accept it, that can be a great way to develop a support structure and save much needed money for your transition. If they don't make much of an effort, you could put yourself into a tense living environment which may not be the best thing during such an emotional period.  And sometimes being too close to the transition makes it more difficult for their wounds to heal.  This is something to consider if they are giving you a really hard time.  There are pro's and cons to both sides.  Just a warning from someone who has been there and still is. 

In any case, everyone's family and life is different, so I'm really hoping everything goes towards the positive part of the spectrum for you.  Good luck with the therapy session!

I am really sorry to hear we share this same sad history.

Perhaps this reactions is somewhat related to differences from generation to generation. My mother was born on the 60s, she grew up like a hippie, then she got into the punk subculture...and she was much more comprehensive. My grandfather was born on the 30s and my grandmother on the 40s...both are so closed and so hard and unwilling to accept things that they are not familiar with...

I knew since the beginning that their reaction would be terrible...and I wasn't going to tell them so soon...but my mother spoiled everything and broke my trust. She told everything.

Today we were going to have lunch...but then my grandfather avoided staying close to me at all costs and refused eating...immediatley I started crying and had to leave the table...my grandmother went after me and wanted me to go back and finish eating, but I couldn't...

By the way, would you have the means to get your own place if it came to that?  Is there someone you could rent or room with?  If you couldn't pay for it, would anyone let you stay over on a temp basis?  Would your grandparents ensure that you had another place before kicking you out? Sorry for the questions, but it's best to prepare.  I had no plan on where to really go other than sleep at my sister's house (otherwise it was my car), so I was lucky it never came to that.  In any case, it's wise to be as prepared possible.  Good luck and sorry you are going through all this.

I don't I am an only-child, as my mother. My family can be resumed on only me, my mother, grandmother and grandfather...my father died two years ago... Friends? I have none. I have colleagues from the college, but I can't count on them to talk about my problems. I think I just have you people from Susan's to talk to...for now...but who knows for how long will I have my computer and internet conection? They want to take it from me...

About being kicked out of my home, I don't believe they will do it, because they know I have nowhere to go. Also I think my mother wouldn't allow that...

I feel they want to "cut my wings", they want to take everything I have hoping that I will change my mind...but this will only make me worse.

I really hope going to the therapist can help...but I don't know. If they are unwilling to accept it there will be nothing that can change their minds...only time perhaps...

If you don't mind the question...have you finished transitioning? How could you deal with the changes from HRT living close to your family?

I am on HRT for about 4 months...I know transitioning will take time... Lucky me in my country I don't need to pay anything as the state provides the assistance and costs with SRS...but the waiting time for SRS is absurd and the results might not be the bests...

I plan to keep living in boy-mode until I reach the male fail phase...I don't know for how long I will be able to that...I will have to deal with boobs and with my body getting a feminine shape (I am already very different from how I was 4 months ago)...but I think I can hide it and keep living in male-mode until I can find a place to live or until my family accepts me. Is this something utopic? Could I sustain this lie?

[Aina]

I am eating better and running/riding a bike every weekend. I am getting on my shape and besides that it is an amazing sensation that of riding a bycicle on a beautiful park, getting in contact with the nature and breath some fresh air...but even losing weight is something that my family is bothering me. They want me to go back and get overweight again...because I am getting too thin to their eyes.

Me too! I got two major addictions on games because I wanted to escape from my life. First I spent a lot of time living as Natalia on Second Life. It was a marvelous life, but it was only a dream and a demonstration of how my life would have been if I was a woman. On a way it helped me to go on with my researchs and to finaly find out I am transgender.

After it I spent a lot of time playing World of Warcraft. I have 5 level 90 toons...my main has more than 2 months of played time...

If it wasn't for this "damn computer" my life would be a lot worse.

I also spent a lot of time on SL presenting as a female. 9 years to this date actually (I still play). It was SL also that lead me to Susans and finally asking myself the questions I should have been years ago. Also over the years I've played any number of online games and honestly I probably still will, yet I grow bored of just doing that. I want something more!

I haven't got the courage up yet to tell my parents, but ever since accepting myself - I also been exercising every-day. I have cut out sodas out my life. Still need work on "eating" better but eh.

So my suggestion to you is, show them that, show them how "happy" your becoming. That you want to get out more, that your eating better. If they can see you being happy I can't see how any parent wouldn't find you transitioning as a good thing.