Sharing my thoughts

[IamLIZ]

So these couple of days have been a little strange. I'm been seeing myself taking positive steps forward, even though they might be small each one counts. But what's getting to me is these floods of memories that are coming back. Things I've blocked out or repressed over the years. To be honest most of my 20s (29 btw) have been a pretty big blur. I have bits and pieces but things are all unsorted.  But lately it's like I'm experiencing deja vu at every turn. Over these last couple of days or week I feel like I've done this all before.

Last night I found myself just lying in bed for hours unable to sleep. From 3am to 12pm I just couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. The only positive is that I didn't spend all that time smoking. I think I only had 3-4 cigarettes in that time. Which is a vast improvement for me. I ended up falling asleep on my back a totally new thing for me and ended up waking up at 3:30pm. At least I think I got some sleep I'm not sure. Have you ever felt like you slept but didn't actually sleep? Maybe it's because I haven't had any weed in two days and it's starting to affect me.

I've spent most of my day today just listening to Paramore 2013 and without fail by the time it gets to "Part II" and on I just feel so sad and lost. I've cried a couple of times already.  I'm trying to look forward to the future and I really want it to come but it's so hard to let go of the past pains and regrets. My Mom is going to be setting up my appointment tomorrow for therapy and I hope comes soon. I'm not sure how much longer I wait. That is what's getting to me I think, the waiting. I'm ready but my patience is starting to wane. I hope there is a opening this week I need to get in there and take this head on. I need to get my life back. I need to hug someone, you know besides my Mom. Mom's are great but sometimes you just need someone else.



and here's to the future.

[Rachel]

Hugs,

I am straight edge 5 years and sober and drug free 15 years. There is hope and it does get better. I am 51, 1 year in gender therapy and almost 8 months HRT. I have a GID determination. In therapy I have dealt with physical abuse, sexual abuse, trans*, limited coming out (for my advantage only and to limited number of persons) and HRT. I spent many years dependent because I wanted to be numb (7th grade to age 36). My health was very bad and I was addicted and 325 pounds. 

I can tell you some things I found out about myself. I now want to live and I look forward to expressing myself. My fears are just that my fears. The gate keeper is me. I really like what I am becoming.

I know it sucks waiting but therapy has some great advantages. Informed consent, if available, has advantages too it that is what you want to do.

I know two things, GID get worse and Trans* does not go away.

Be yourself, be free and love life.

[IamLIZ]

Thank you snd congrats on getting over your demons.

Yeah I'm feeling pretty good today. As peaceful as Mr. King would want us all to be. There have been no tears today and it's all be smiles. I think the most difficult part is over, not that the rest will be all easy peasy. But I'm feeling good. Really good 

[BlossomRevane]

Hello and congrats I am very much in the same boat as you. Quitting weed is a great step in the right direction I have nothing against it but haven't touched it in a year and my life has improved! Cigarettes are a tough habit I have been having great results with an e-cig by the way =)
I have just recently been able to start sleeping on my back kind of lol its funny when you cant and when you start to its almost like it was all caused by being depressed...if that makes any sense I don't really know! Now I feel like I can relax put on some Cher, hug a pillow and drift into dreamland! Great choice in music by the way I love me some paramore. I hope all goes well for you and therapy I will be doing the same real soon! Keep your head up and feel beautiful because well....you are!! =)

[IamLIZ]

Woohoo therapy Day one tomorrow. status