I feel beat.

[AdamMLP]

I always said that I would never let this rule my life.  Now I'm finding it hard not to.

I stopped going to the gym a couple of months ago after a bad time there, and people stopped asking me to go with them and I had no motivation to get myself there.  It wasn't so bad when I was with other people because we would do body/free weight stuff and they were a distraction, but on my own I don't know what I'm doing enough to do anything other than use the cardio machines, which have mirrors in front of every single one.

At work we do a fitness test occasionally, and since I started here in September I've put on a kilo (2lbs) and gained about 3% bodyfat.  Technically that makes me healthier for a female bodied person (which everyone congratulated me on), but to me it's hard proof that I'm letting the dysphoria control my life.

Every time I even think about going to the gym again I freeze up with dysphoria, and today I managed to drag myself out for a run around the base, but just ended up majorly disappointing myself.  Even just putting on a sports bra to go out in almost had me beat, and as soon as I reached a sign saying "no entry" I turned around and went back without bothering to work out how to go round it, I was told that you just follow the fence, but clearly not.  I walked a good part of it too.  I came back and physically shook in the shower.

I don't know how to break out of this, I will not let this rule my life, but I don't know how to beat it.  It's getting worse, and I didn't think that was possible.  Not only that, but I'm going to be getting asked questions about why I'm not improving on my personal fitness if they pay attention.

[Jamie D]

Let me use myself as an example.  I let myself go.  I gained weight.  Part of it was to "mask" my obvious gynecomastia as a young teen.  Though I continued to play sports, I was not really "fit."

So, after carrying 25 to 35 extra pounds (2 to 3 stones?), I ended up with three heart operations for clogged arteries - the first on before I was 50.  Alexander, you do not want to end up like me.

Stay fit, stay healthy, eat right. In the long run, the habits you form now will stay with you.

[Adam (birkin)]

I'm sorry to hear this. I definitely have times where dysphoria gets the better of me and I just don't want to do much either. I find the hardest part, honestly, is just getting out the door. Once you pass that hurdle, it gets easier - and it gets easier and easier the further you go. The closer you get to the gym, the easier it will get, even if you are still experiencing dysphoria. Just keep telling yourself that, as many times as you need.

While Jamie is right about the importance of keeping up your health (I gained 85 lbs after I let myself go), I also would encourage you not to be too hard on yourself about the small weight gain. Don't see it as a failure or as losing control of anything to dysphoria. Just focus on trying to be OK and get yourself doing the things you used to enjoy again.

[AdamMLP]

There's no way I'm planning on letting myself get that far.  I have enough issues with my body with dysphoria and feeling like a failure to throw that in on top of it.  Technically, assuming that I should be sticking to the "female" figures as a pre-T guy, I still don't have enough bodyfat to be healthy.  It's not so much the fact that I gained weight that bothers me, although it does, but more the fact that it's figures that are proving that dysphoria is effecting my life.  Although to some extent I don't know if it is not going to the gym that's caused the change, it could just as well be having three meals a day provided to me and my friends making sure I eat them, it was all to easy to eat less than one or two meals a day back at home.

I'm sorry to hear this. I definitely have times where dysphoria gets the better of me and I just don't want to do much either. I find the hardest part, honestly, is just getting out the door. Once you pass that hurdle, it gets easier - and it gets easier and easier the further you go. The closer you get to the gym, the easier it will get, even if you are still experiencing dysphoria. Just keep telling yourself that, as many times as you need.

It's the opposite for me with the gym, every step I get closer to it I feel worse.  Getting changed into something that ensures my body hair is covered and feeling the sports bra on me is almost enough to make me give in, signing my birthname on the register to get in, and then having nothing to stare at except this body in a full length mirror is almost unbearable.  Normally I can't see how narrow my shoulders are, or my hips, because all there is is a bathroom mirror.  Not the case in a gym.  I don't see the point in a CV suite, in the weights room for checking technique yeah, but in there?  Nope.  Surely people are there because they want to change their bodies, not stare at them?

I thought avoiding that, getting my boots down so I can run on uneven, relatively unlit ground would avoid the problem, but there was still the sports bra thing, and not knowing entirely where I'm allowed to go.  Maybe I'd have felt better about that if I hadn't run past armed guards patrolling.  Nothing like a SA80 to scare you out of running on their precious grass

[overdrive]

Sounds like the bigger issue here is that you aren't familiar enough with workouts to design your own so you're a bit lost at the gym. There are many machines you can do without a spotter and many things you can do other than cardio. Really cardio should be the end of your workout anyways, not your entire workout but better that than nothing. My suggestion is get a personal trainer at the gym if you can afford one. You don't need to sign up for too long just get their minimal package which often times is 3 sessions. Let the personal trainer know your goals and tell them you just need help designing workouts. If you aren't comfortable telling them the reason for your lack of interest in cardio just tell them something else like you would rather run around the track than to use the treadmill for example. Put on headphones when you do cardio as well as its a bit of a distraction. I tend to get really bored doing cardio without music.

If you can't afford a personal trainer, google "Push Pull Workout" and you'll get some good suggestions. As an athlete I have been training at a very high level for many years. I've tried virtually every type of workout and this gives the best results as far as strength gains and weight loss as muscle burns fat. Stay away from the full body workouts that most novices do, anyone who sticks with weight training learns that they don't work so I'm trying to help save you the time. So you would do a day of a push/pull routine, then end with 45-60 min of cardio of your choice. Cardio can be running around the track, jumping rope, etc if you dont want to look in the mirrors. Rowing machines at the gym are often not in front of the mirrors like the rest of the stuff or are faced sideways so you might want to look into them as well.

Heres a couple links with information on Push/Pull to give you a starting point anyways. The first link has some good information about the Push/Pull methodology where as the second link has a better schedule and exercises and set listed for a person newer to training. Don't worry about things like drop sets, forced reps, negatives, supersets right now. I utilize them in my workouts but they're not something a person just getting into a routine really needs to do as you're just looking to get moving and learning about muscle groups at this point.

http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance/the_pushpull_workout

http://www.sixstarpro.com/performance_lab/push_pull_strength_training/

[AdamMLP]

Sounds like the bigger issue here is that you aren't familiar enough with workouts to design your own so you're a bit lost at the gym. There are many machines you can do without a spotter and many things you can do other than cardio. Really cardio should be the end of your workout anyways, not your entire workout but better that than nothing. My suggestion is get a personal trainer at the gym if you can afford one. You don't need to sign up for too long just get their minimal package which often times is 3 sessions. Let the personal trainer know your goals and tell them you just need help designing workouts. If you aren't comfortable telling them the reason for your lack of interest in cardio just tell them something else like you would rather run around the track than to use the treadmill for example. Put on headphones when you do cardio as well as its a bit of a distraction. I tend to get really bored doing cardio without music.

If you can't afford a personal trainer, google "Push Pull Workout" and you'll get some good suggestions. As an athlete I have been training at a very high level for many years. I've tried virtually every type of workout and this gives the best results as far as strength gains and weight loss as muscle burns fat. Stay away from the full body workouts that most novices do, anyone who sticks with weight training learns that they don't work so I'm trying to help save you the time. So you would do a day of a push/pull routine, then end with 45-60 min of cardio of your choice. Cardio can be running around the track, jumping rope, etc if you dont want to look in the mirrors. Rowing machines at the gym are often not in front of the mirrors like the rest of the stuff or are faced sideways so you might want to look into them as well.

Heres a couple links with information on Push/Pull to give you a starting point anyways. The first link has some good information about the Push/Pull methodology where as the second link has a better schedule and exercises and set listed for a person newer to training. Don't worry about things like drop sets, forced reps, negatives, supersets right now. I utilize them in my workouts but they're not something a person just getting into a routine really needs to do as you're just looking to get moving and learning about muscle groups at this point.

http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance/the_pushpull_workout

http://www.sixstarpro.com/performance_lab/push_pull_strength_training/

I can't get a personal trainer as it's not a normal gym.  I'm staying on a military base at the moment, and have use of their gym, but that's it.  We can't use them as trainers, and I wouldn't get the clearance to get someone onto the base, they get funny about even letting partners on if you've been with them for less than two years.  That also makes it very intimidating to use the weights room when it's filled with massive military guys, and the majority of their thinking is that you're a waste of space and shouldn't be there, although the rent our company pays is actually keeping the base open... 

I've thought about the rowing machines, but they're by mirrors too, almost all of the wall space is covered in mirrors, except for the bikes, but static bikes always seem to hurt my knees quickly, unlike actual bikes.  Unfortunately my bike is both very broken and the other side of the country so that's not an option either.

I'm going to keep trying to find something that works for me, and dragging up the strength to hopefully do something.  At the least I'm going to make sure I keep doing plenty of push ups and other bodyweight stuff I can do before getting into the shower every night.  It's better than nothing in the least, and I can do that in private with my shirt off, somehow being topless makes me feel manlier so that helps me push out more of whatever I'm doing.

[overdrive]

If you're looking for a list of body weight exercises to do outside the gym. I had actually put a list together for a friend of mine a while ago who does a lot of traveling. I'll dig it up and repost here, maybe will give you some more ideas on what you can do in the privacy of your own home.

[AdamMLP]

If you can find it that'd be great.  I'm a little limited as I'm in shared accommodation and the only privacy I get is in the showers, but there's space for most things to work.  I really appreciate it.

[overdrive]

Heres the list, its a long one so you should be able to find a lot of exercises to do here. Theres a few that incorporate a pullup bar or medicine ball which I included because they are generally inexpensive to buy and depending on travel can be fairly easy to travel with as well. If you have any questions on them feel free to respond to this thread or PM me and I'd be happy to help you out.

Back
Alternate Arm/Leg Lift
Body Weight Good Mornings
Corner Reverse Pushups
Low Back Extensions
Medicine Ball Seated Rotation
Medicine Ball Standing Rotation
Medicine Ball Standing Twist Toss Backward
Medicine Ball Wood Choppers
Prone Alternate Arm Leg Raise
Pull Ups
Reverse Push-Ups
Superman

Biceps
Closed grip Chin-ups

Chest
Hindu Pushups
Medicine Ball Bounce Pass
Medicine Ball Chest Pass
Prone Single Leg Bodyweight Push-up
Pushups
Hindu Pushups
One Arm Pushups

Core/Abs
Abdominal Crunch
Alternating Roto Crunch
Back - Press Up
Bench Crunch
Bench Tuck
Bicycle Abs
Crunch & Reach
Crunch Knee Up
Crunches
Floor Knee Tuck
Half Crunch
Hanging Bent Knee Leg Lifts
Horizontal Scissors
Knee Tuck and Hold
Medicine Ball Overhead Pass
Medicine Ball Slant Board Situp & Toss
Medicine Ball Standing Rotation
Medicine Ball Standing Twist Toss Forward
Medicine Ball Wood Choppers
Medicine Ball Wrap Around Pass
One Leg Cross Reverse Crunch
One Leg Cross Roto Crunch
Reverse Crunch
Roto Crunch Bent Knees
Roto Crunch Knee Cross
Roto Crunch Knees Up
Roto Crunch Legs Up
Side Bends
Side Knee Ups
Standing Twists
Supine Straight Leg Raise
Toe Touches
V-Ups

Hips
Kneeling Leg Circles Backward
Kneeling Leg Circles Forward
Large Hip Rotation
Legs Swings Front to Back
Side Lying Leg Raise
Small Hip Rotation
Supine Iron Cross

Legs
Body Weight Backward Lunge
Body Weight Diagonal Lunge
Body Weight Front Lunge
Body Weight Squat
Body Weight Step Up
Body Weight Walk Lunge Backward
Body Weight Walk Lunge Forward
Glute Kickback
Hindu Squats
Jumping Squats
Single Leg Squat
Squat Lunge

Shoulders
Bear Crawl Backward
Bear Crawl Forward
Big Arm Circles Backward
Big Arm Circles Forward
Hand Stand Push-Ups
Medicine Ball Overhead Pass
One-Armed Figure Eights
Small Arm Circles Backward
Small Arm Circles Forward
Lateral Raises (find something heavy to use like milk jugs)

Triceps
Bench Dips
Triangle Pushups
Towel Tricep Extension (Either tie something heavy on such as milk jug of have partner apply pressure to end of towel)

Full Body
Medicine Ball Between Legs Forward Throw
Medicine Ball Overhead Backward Throw


NOTE: You can add weight to almost all bodyweight exercise by holding onto something heavy like milk or water jugs (if you need more weight you can put sand or sand/water in them too). You can also incorporate many dumbbell exercises by using those types of weighted objects in place of the dumbbells by either holding onto them directly or running a towel or cloth through the handle of the the item and holding onto that. I've got a ton of dumbbell exercises too if you're interested in a list of them as well let me know.

[4736251]

I totally get what you're saying.  Even though I want to exercise to increase T levels and what not, i still hate going to the gym because: 1) it's crowded.  2) all the other guys are way more athletic than me.  I feel very embarassed going to the gym because I suck at lifting weights compared to everyone else.  I feel weak.  I'd much rather go to the gym if there was no one there.  Then I wouldn't be as self conscious.

[overdrive]

I totally get what you're saying.  Even though I want to exercise to increase T levels and what not, i still hate going to the gym because: 1) it's crowded.  2) all the other guys are way more athletic than me.  I feel very embarassed going to the gym because I suck at lifting weights compared to everyone else.  I feel weak.  I'd much rather go to the gym if there was no one there.  Then I wouldn't be as self conscious.

Years ago before i had an entire home gym including weights and cario, I used to go to the gym too. Even though I'm very athletic and knew what I was doing, I always used to go late at night after 10pm as there were far less people there and pretty much everyone went to workout and not people watch.  Earlier than that theres too many people who are more interested in watching others than to actually workout.